…You Dutchbag.

Black guy: And lemme get two Dutches…
Store clerk: (puts them on the counter)
Black guy: And lemme also get that … that female Dutch.
Store clerk: (looks confused)
Black guy: You know, man, that female Dutch. You know what I'm talkin bout, man.
Store clerk, pointing to various items: This one? This one?
Black guy: Nah, man, you know, that female Dutch! For the pussy, man! For the pussy!
Store clerk: (takes down a douche) This one?
Black guy: Yeah, yeah! See? You knew what I was talkin bout!

–130th St & Lenox Ave

Overheard by: Kosi

Posted on October 27, 2014
Black People, Clerks, Foreigners, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Offers and requests, Shopping, Store, Vagina

Isn’t There a Bar That’d Take You In?

Store employee over loudspeaker: Attention shoppers. The time now is 9 pm. This store is now closing, please bring all your items to the front register.
Loud guy in the back: I don’t want to go home!

–238th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Mandy

Posted on October 23, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Customers, Default, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Offers and requests, Shopping, The Bronx, Time

Tales from the Supermarket

Obese cashier lady: This soy milk supposed to make you slender?
Woman: Uh, I dunno.
Skinny cashier lady: Girl, ain’t no soy milk gonna make your fat ass slender!
Obese cashier lady: Shut your ass up.

–Gristedes, West 64th Street

Overheard by: vegannramember

Man #1: I’m talkin’ about cup noodles, nigga.
Man #2: Them shits is good.
Man #1: They’s cheaper than mac and cheese.
Man #2: Mac and cheese went up by a dollar!
Man #1: Tell me you is playin’!

–L train

Overheard by: Mason Buck

Cashier lady: How come this rings up as “Homo Milk”?

–K-mart, East 8th Street

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Loudspeaker: Aisle 10 is now open for customers with less than a million items.

–Key Food, Astoria

Overheard by: Christa

Posted on October 19, 2014
Advice, Diet/Weight, Food, Grocery Stores, Money & Class, Questions, Shopping, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

Yeah, I Think We’re Going Back to Church, Honey

Little girl at Turkish booth, holding up one a glass evil eye: Daaaddyyy! I need this!
Dad: Honey, you don’t even know what that is.
Little girl: But the man said it would work if you believe, and I believe, Daddy, I really, really do!

–Columbus Circle Holiday Bazaar

Overheard by: Katie

Posted on October 17, 2014
Advice, Body Parts, Dads, Girls, Kids, Shopping, Store

They’re Gonna Sue Mom for Alimony

Mom: How much is it?
Chick: A hundred and fifty bucks.
Mom: Let me pay.
Chick: Mom! No! Don’t give me any goddamn money!
Mom: Here, just take it, dammit!
Chick: Fine, but I’m paying for the taxi home.
Mom: I can’t believe Michael puts up with you. You are so divorced in
five years.

–The Gap, 18th & 5th

Posted on October 17, 2014
Friendship, Money & Class, Parents, People, Relationships, Shopping

He’s Jewish, Not Pushy

Little boy: Mommy, I want this!
Mom: Do you want Santa to bring it for you?
Little boy: No, I want you to get it now.

–FAO Schwarz, 5th Avenue

Overheard by: CMC

Posted on October 15, 2014
Holidays, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Shopping, Store

There's a Wednesday One-Liner in My Hair! Get It Out! Get It Out!

Guy: I don't think bees even have vaginas.

–23rd & 3rd

Suit to another: I want him scrutinized. At a gnat's ass level!

–Midtown Office

Middle school thug: I been radioactivatin' spiders in my kitchen.

–C Train

Overheard by: Emily B.

Mother to five-year-old boy: No, you can't buy grandma a plastic spider for Christmas!

–74th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane's Husband

Guy on cell: Hey, did I tell you I got drunk last night and ordered 1,500 ladybugs off the internet?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ashley

Posted on October 15, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Brooklyn, Drinking & Drunk People, Family Ties, Gifts, Guys, Insects, Internet, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Office, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Science, Sensory Experiences, Shopping, Street, Suits, Teens, Thugs, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

I Told Her, ‘Pollock Has Done That to Death. Find Your Own Niche!’

Exec #1: So, uh, she’s a squirter.
Exec #2: What?!
Exec #1: Yeah. I really haven’t had any experience with that before.
Exec #2: Details.
Exec #1: Just…everywhere.

–Bed, Bath & Beyond, 19th & 6th

Overheard by: Mr. Waiting in Line

Posted on October 7, 2014
Orgasm, Sex, Shopping, Suits

Yes, But Thoughts Are Usually A Penny

Street Vendor: Hey, hey, hey man, jewelry blow out special. Everything a dollar. Buy something nice for your wife for the holidays. One dollar!
Businessman: A dollar? I’m not gonna buy my wife jewelry for a dollar.
Street Vendor: It’s the thought that counts.

–57th and 8th

Overheard by: Josh Caldwell

Posted on October 2, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Advice, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, Shopping, Suits, Talking/Convos, Vendors & Street Performers

Wednesday One-Liners: Guaranteed to Rot Your Teeth.

20-something women in yoga gear, simultaneously: It was like a blessing in cake form.

–Astor Place

Girl: I'm too single to eat a brownie.

–NYU Library

Guy on cell: Soft Serve is so good, you will step in dog poop and not even care!

–14th St b/w 7th & 8th

Serious guy on his way out of restaurant, to girl: So all we need are aspirin and Skittles.

–Angelo's Pizza

Assertive little boy in shopping cart seat, grabbing mom's face: I want to buy a chocolate croissant and eat it. Do you understand what I'm saying?

–Food Coop, Park Slope

Overheard by: Jenny

Posted on September 28, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Library, Man's Best Friend, Medicine, Moms, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Poop, Questions, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, Shopping, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Shopping