Stupidity

Wednesday, with a One-Liner Chaser

Female day-drinking tourist: Oh shit, I left my vodka in the church!

–Outside Trinity Church

Man on cell: If it's possible to ferment it, we have fermented it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Middle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the other. I'm like that. My bladder has room for the equivalent of one good cocktail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Overheard by: Ah….middle age

Commuter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: baconista

Old drunk walking into a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my prescription?

–Broadway & 106th St

Overheard by: rickbruner

Pay No Attention to the Deity behind the Curtain

Guy #1: Dude, let’s go see Fiddler on the Roof. I heard it’s sick.
Guy #2: Oh, that’s the sequel to The Wizard of Oz, right? With the witch of the East… Right?
Guy #1: Let’s go get high.
Guy #2: Okay.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Darius Izad

Misspoken Wednesday One-liners

German: Why those birds suddenly appear? Every time! In the mirror!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Wife: Ooh, look, honey, they’ve got that Le Courvoisier chair!

–MoMa

Raise Your Hand If Your Mom Misinformed You More Than Once

Little girl in stroller, pointing to fossil in subway wall: Look! A skeleton fish!
Mother: And what's another name for a skeleton fish? (pause) A dinosaur!

–C Train

Overheard by: Kaitlen

You Also Thought That About Abraham Lincoln

Dumb chick #1: What are those Jewish people with the curls called?
Dumb chick #2: I think they're called “aesthetic Jews.” Or “hestetic Jews.”
Dumb chick #1: Oh. I though they were Amish.

–Elevator, Midtown Building

Overheard by: I know what they're called

Not Having to Think Frees Up a Lot of Time for Watching Reality TV

Dude with clipboard to couple passing by: Excuse me, you two! Sign this! It’s your independent right as an American.
Guy: No, thanks. I hate rights.
Chick: Yeah, just being told what to do rocks.
Guy: Conforming is sweet.

–Bleecker St

It’s Even Funnier If They Had

Doorman: Where is the building you’re looking for?
Lady: It’s on 40th.
Doorman: 40th and what?
Lady: I’m almost positive they said between Sixth and Avenue of the Americas.

–40th between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: conor hogan

Wait, So Where Are We, Again?

Chick #1: Which one of these countries does not border Argentina? Brazil, Uruguay, Peru, or Bolivia?
Chick #2: Peru, duh.
Chick #3: Obviously. [Makes note on paper, reading aloud] Peru, Europe.
Chick #2: Peru’s not in Europe, dude.
Chick #3: No, no, because all the other countries are in South America, the reason Peru isn’t connected is because it’s in Europe!

–NYU

Step Three: Revise Facts to Fit Hypothesis

Girl #1: So, you’re a vegetarian?
Girl #2: Yep. Eating animals kills.
Girl #1: Wait, but you had sushi the other night.
Girl #2: Fish doesn’t count. It’s, like, not an animal.
Girl #1: Huh? Yeah, it is. It, like, breathes and stuff.
Girl #2: But it’s underwater.
Girl #1: No, it’s an animal, ’cause it moves around and swims.
Girl #2: Then how come I can eat it?

–NYU

It's Like My Parents' Custody Battle All Over Again

Hipster, walking to registers with an armload of toothpaste: Who wants me?
Cashiers: (stare blankly, not moving)
Hipster: What, no one wants me? Ah, damn. That's sad.

–Duane Reade

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