Vagina

Wednesday-One-Liners Pledge Allegiance to the Vag

Hipster girl: I don’t want to do that to my vagina! I want my vagina to smell like va-gi-na! Who would do that to their vagina?

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Edward Dandelions

Crazy ranting dreddy guy: Respect the vagina!

–St. Marks & 2nd

Hipster Girl: After sex with him, I like, hydrogen peroxided my vagina.

–1st Ave & 9th St

Angry man on cell: No, we weren’t fighting last night, I ate your pussy!

–C Train

Overheard by: Ada

Girl: So he was like, ‘How was your vacation’ and I was like, ‘My vagina’s sore.’

–Coffee Shop, Union Square

Guy on cell: Put your head between your legs and suck your twat.

–19th St

Overheard by: Gross

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Wait, that’s the vajayjay?

–Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport

‘Eau de Pork Ribs’ Douche Was a Better Idea in Theory Than in Practice

Girl: I smell barbecue!
Guy: Close your legs.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: charninazard

There Will Be a Website Devoted to This Fetish Within One Week

Girl #1: I could never be a lesbian. Like, I might be able to kiss a girl, but if I had to go down on someone, UGH!
Girl #2: Yeah, if I had to go down on a girl I think I’d faint.
Girl #1: I wouldn’t faint, but I’d vomit… probably on her cooch.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Gablowo

Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Reverse-Necrophiliac: I hate dead people. They have such attitude.

–Time Warner Center

Elderly bathroom attendant, finding a used tampon on the floor: Whoever did this, I hope she die! That shit is nasty! I hope her pooty fall out and she die!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Leah Beirne

Hefty guy: No, I will not take pictures of a dead body… Not if it only died for a few hours.

–Target, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: barbat

Co-Worker on phone: If you do die 25 years ago, you don’t die now!

–52nd & 5th

Proselytizer: Listen! Listen to me! You must abstain! Abstinence is the only way! I tell you the truth–if you have sex, you will get pregnant, you will get an STD, and you will die!

–125th St

Overheard by: slightly intrigued

Woman: You’re born, yadda yadda yadda…You learn how to type. You get clarity. And then, ya die.

–24th & 7th

Overheard by: Dennis

Compassionate man on cell: The kid died from an overdose…[laughs] But the kid died from a drug overdose. So it’s not my fault.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot

Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Overheard by: PoisonIvy

Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!

–1 train

Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…

–1 train

Overheard by: sara n.

Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!

–18th & Park

Overheard by: edward

Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!

–Wooster & Broome

Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.

–23rd & 6th

Eternal Damnation in Exchange for Earthly Herpes Is a Shitty Trade

Hipster chick: So what happened? Why did you two break up?
Hipster boy: She’s a slut. Her vagina’s the gateway to Hell.

–L train

It Dams Information Instead of Water

Older woman, irritatedly: What do you mean, he has a beaver?

Younger woman, soothingly: Beeper. He has a beeper.

–Hudson St, West Village

That Is to Say, I Will Cling Tightly to Your Secret

Girl #1: I mean, don’t tell him I told you that. You can’t tell him I said anything, or he will flip his shit.
Girl #2: It’s Vagina Night!

–Rivington & Orchard

Ideally, There Would Be an Echo

Guy #1: You know, I wish I could have sex with two girls, so I can eat two pussies at the same time.
Guy #2: Why don’t you just do what I did? Have sex with a really fat girl so you can have one massive pussy to eat out from.

–Uptown A train

Overheard by: Naidababy

Vagina Man Soon Discovered That None of His Friends Would Play With Him Anymore

Queer #1: I’d rather lose my legs than my hands.
Queer #2: I could probably lose a couple of fingers and still be happy.
Queer #1: What if you lost your dick?
Queer #2: I’d just turn it in and make a vagina.
Queer #1: So you’d basically turn yourself into a woman?
Queer #2: No, I’d still be a man, but with a vagina.
Queer #1: But you wouldn’t feel anything.
Queer #2: I’d still use it.

–34th & 2nd

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