Woman: Who do you think would win a fight between Ann Coulter and Maureen Dowd?
Man: A fight?
Woman: Yeah, you know, a death match.
Man: I’m gonna go with Ann Coulter.
Woman: You think? They both wear long, spikey heels. They could put each other’s eyes out pretty fast.
Man: But Ann Coulter would be like, “Rock on, I’m in a death cage!” And Maureen Dowd would be like, “Wait, what am I doing in a death cage?”
–Alt.Coffee, Avenue A
Girl: Like, my grandmother got stabbed with an ice pick by her brother. And then they were estranged for years.
–Bobst Library, Washington Square South
Thuggette to random Latina girl: That's right, keep walkin' bitch! I'll throw yo' ass in the trash right 'bout now!
Thug: Can't we act civilized just for like, five minutes?
Thuggette: Fuck you, nigga!
–Times Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Tim
Father-of-the-year: My son. He came home with a swollen eye. I asked him why and he said another boy hit him. I asked him if he hit him back and he said, ‘No.’ I asked him why and he said, ‘Because that would hurt him.’ So I said, ‘He’s hurting you, isn’t he?’ So I told him to hit him back. That’s how the world is. Do you think when he starts going to school he’ll catch on?
–53rd & 6th
Hard hat meathead: Hey man, I haven’t seen you since that time you hit that guy in the face with a wrench!
–LIRR – Long Beach to Penn Station
Evander Childs graduate: Oh, you went to Spellman? I think I beat up a kid from Spellman.
–125th & Lenox
Angry man on cell: Tell her that if she walks in the wrong direction again, I am going to punch her in the fucking face!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Marissa
Guy: Dude, I’ve totally had girls ask me to give them bloody noses before sex.
–5th St between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: MMS
Girl: There were these spiders on her so the guy she was with gave her a good beating all over.
–1 train
Overheard by: arachnophile
Customer: Got anything to kill a mouse?
Clerk: Hammer!
Customer: Yeah, tried that.
–True Value Hardware Store, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: I Prefer A Circular Saw
Black lady to coworker: Girl, I got me a real bad paper cut this afternoon. Hurt like a bitch! I swears, a real bad paper cut hurts more than actually being stabbed.
–M3 bus
Overheard by: Mooka
Chick on cell: I can’t decide if I want to fuck you or push you into oncoming traffic on the BQE.
–51st & Lex
Young girl to young guy: I don’t know you yet, so you can’t hit.
–Union Square
Overheard by: So happy to have finally overheard something worth submitting!
Guy on cell: Yeah, I got a fuckin’ ass whoopin’ for him on lay away, though.
–36th & 8th
Overheard by: Jenn
Crotchety old man: The best part was when his daughter stabbed him in the neck with scissors.
–Outside AMC, Times Square
Overheard by: Max Wastler
Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn’t need no more than that…are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser–leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he’s sleeping (there’s kids around but y’all know what muscle I’m talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.
–4 train
Overheard by: Anna
Four-year-old boy: I have gun! Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun!
–Gate, Newark Airport
Overheard by: minkey
Man on phone: Yo! The last time I saw that nigga I shot at that nigga!
–43rd & 7th
Overheard by: Alex
Guy with facial piercings: My mom’s such a bitch. She’s like, ‘I don’t want any guns or drugs in the house!’ and I was like, ‘Fuck you, Mom!’
–Penn Station
Woman on cell: Kings County is the best hospital to go to if you get shot in New York.
–14th & Union Square
Overheard by: Mole
Thug kid to thug friends: I don’t do shootings. And besides, this is my stop.
–7 train, Queens
Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair
Girl #1: He told me not to worry about his girlfriend. He was like, “You know you’re gonna like it!”
Girl #2: Oh my god, that’s so your type! Like, borderline rapist!
–Bungalow 8, West 27th Street
Overheard by: Katie
