Wednesday One-Liners Are Thicker Than Water

Girl: Every time I fart, more blood comes out.

–SoHo

Guy on cell: The blood bank’s coming and they want me to give blood…Naw, I’m like, “I’ll give blood for Yankee tickets.” I’ve done enough for good causes. You know, I gotta hold on to that shit. That’s my blood, man.

–48th & 3rd

Jerseyite: Wait, mosquitoes suck blood?

–Prince & Lafayette

Girl, to guy singing loudly: Shut up, before I take my bloody pad off and smear it on your face! Times seven!

–Village Community School, W 10th St

Overheard by: Keesha Brown

Posted on August 2, 2006
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Wednesday One-Liners Set the Bar Low and Then Step Over It

Friend: First you suspect he’s a date rapist, and now you’re worried he isn’t going to call?

–Union Square

Trendy woman: I need to be touched by a man in a loving way…It doesn’t even have to be loving.

—Pirates of the Caribbean 2 advance screening, the Ziegfield

Overheard by: Nick Draven

20-something girl on cell: I just wanna kiss someone!

–M15 bus

Girl: I’m going to make out with someone tonight. I’ve already decided.

–4th St, between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Ted

Well-dressed guy: You just hate that you can’t get a one-eyed, homeless black guy to think you’re hot.

–B train

Overheard by: Sugarnuts

Posted on August 2, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Foreplay, Handicaps, Hugs, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, One Night Stand, Race, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Hang Around Home Depot

Hobo: Make New York safe for women! Lesbian jail! Put those vicious, ass-grabbing lesbians behind bars.

–E/V subway platform, 53rd & 5th

Overheard by: colin

Girl: I think I could totally be a lesbian…except for the whole, like, lack of penises thing.

–Three of Cups bar, 5th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: beepster

Guy: If I ever went to a drag bar, I’d never want to draw attention to myself. But two 400-pound lesbians?! I mean, come on.

–Office, 57th St

Guy: So tell me what those lesbian meetings are really about!

–St Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: mariana

Amateur sociologist: I think a lesbian counts for two gay people because they’re rare.

–Rivington & Ludlow

Posted on August 2, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Gays and Lesbians, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Tie the Knot

Guy: I have to sleep with her before she gets married.

–9th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Alison R.

Girl on cell: It’s marriage, not racism.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Phe

Woman on cell: I want the wedding without the husband. No, really, I want to wear the dress and have a party all about me.

–Bergdorf Goodman

Dude on cell: So she said, “Don’t you want to marry me?” and I was like [shrugging], “Why the fuck not?”

–Central Park, southwest entrance

Girl on cell: I can’t believe you can’t spend three hours to come to my wedding so you can study for the bar exam. I’m your sister! And this is my first wedding, so it’s really important to me.

–N train

Man: If I had known how much work marriage was gonna be, I would’ve said, “Fuck the cow. Give me the milk for free.”

–31st & Ditmars, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Shannon

Supportive friend: Well, they’re past the murder-suicide part of their marriage, so that’s good.

–6th St, between 1st & 2nd

Posted on July 26, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Marriage, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are Potty Trained

Girl on cell: What? What do you mean? What do you mean your audition is gonna be in a bathroom?

–42nd and 10th

Overheard by: dk

Hurrying lady: …and a urinal cake is worth fifteen points.

–43rd & 8th

Overheard by: Casper

Gay usher, loudly: Sex just isn’t the same when you’re constipated.

–Daryl Roth Theatre, Union Square

Hipster girl: So I just said to him, “Bye, I have to go now. I have diarrhea!”…Diarrhea is like the anti-aphrodisiac.

–Brooklyn bound F train

Woman on cell: Did you just say that you had a dream where Gene Wilder peed in your closet? Like, Willy Wonka, pissing on your clothes? Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard correctly.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: baffled

Dude: Nah, I wouldn’t piss on someone if I didn’t know them.

–Bar, Queens

Man, to woman having trouble with the bathroom door: Oh come on, you fucking cunt, work the damn door. Big fucking place like this, they got only one bathroom, I am fucking pissing on the floor. I will piss on the damn floor. That’s my fucking right as an American. I’m a patriot. Patriot, that’s an adverb. An action adverb. Mrs. Riegell told me in third grade if you have a syllable you’ve got an adverb, and I got a damn syllable, so damnit, I’m pissing on the fucking floor.

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

Posted on July 26, 2006
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Wednesday One-Liners Aced Anatomy 101

Mother, to little boy: No, you cannot smell my armpit!

–Keyspan Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jesse

Doctor on cell: Look, having knees doesn’t make you special.

–Oustide New York Presbyterian Hospital

Ghetto chick: When she’s asleep, I’m gonna squat on her brain.

–16th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: alyssa

Father of little girl who has just hit her head: Did your brain fall out?

–Chili’s, Staten Island

Overheard by: Ada and Andi

Chick: His teeth are really straight. But that’s because he was home-schooled.

–Baskin Robbins, 23rd & 8th

Guy: Every time a girl sees my teeth, she’s like, “Naaah.” I’m gonna get this whole shit redone, where they take them all out and replace the whole thing. It costs like $20,000…Only thing is you have to go two months without any teeth.

–29th St & 33rd Ave, Astoria

Middle-aged man, to college girl in skirt: Excuse me, miss, you have very nice legs. Have you ever thought about doing voice-overs?

–31st & 6th

Overheard by: plo

Teenage boy: Who wants to play guess which body part am I fidgeting?

–North Gannon & Bradley, Staten Island

Overheard by: Shamrocknroll

Posted on July 26, 2006
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Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Have a Leg to Stand on

Mom, to two small children: I think it is better to be born with no legs than to be born with two and have them taken away.

–11th St & 8th Ave

Laundromat owner: She think she know everything! If he love her so much, why’d he go get that other girl pregnant two months after she lost her leg?! He should be giving her a baby!

–Laundromat, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Suparna