Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Hang the Cross Upside Down

Girl: It smells like blasphemy!

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: I only smelled mulch

Tattooed chick: It’s Christa. You remember, Christ with an A, because I’m so fucking godlike.

–8th & A

Overheard by: Meredith

Guy: She looks like the female version of Dave, which is a bit disconcerting to me…He looks like traditional representations of Jesus.

–Manhattan bound L train

Overheard by: Philip

Guy: Me and Jesus don’t get along.

–W 30th, between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Maggie

Femme on cell: So, like, our periods stopped at the same time for two hours so we could have sex and I was like, God loves me. Jesus was clearly gay.

–103rd & Broadway

Middle-Aged lady: Yeah, you can’t go switchin’ churches like that. That’s too many different spirits. You’ll be dealin’ with demons and stuff.

–F train

Overheard by: Yanni

College guy: No, really, dude. The guy’s a full-time, licensed exorcist!

–W 4th St A/C/E uptown platform

Overheard by: EJ

Muscular dude: I am devoted to crack but not to Christ! Please explain that to me. I’m a good crackhead, but I ain’t a good Christian!

–Downtown 1 train

Street vendor: NYU students, you gotta love them. They be going through hell and jumping out of windows and shit.

–Spring & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Are Black and White and Read All Over

White girl on cell: Wait, you’re watching BET? Well, do you feel black and/or entertained?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Casey

Black guy: So you see, white bitches just don’t understand that I have a big ass penis.

–St. Mark’s

Teenage black girl: See those buildings over there? That’s where I stay. Yeah, it’s nice and shit. I like it. Too many white people moved in, though. That’s why I’m KKK…Krazy Kracker Killa!

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: aq

Black guy to white girl: You’d better not stay in the rain too long; sugar melts!

–117th & 5th

Overheard by: robin b

JAP: It’s not like I don’t like his parties, I just don’t fit in. Hello! I’m white!

–8th St & 5th Ave

Black guy: Well I have black friends, but they just don’t understand. You know what I’m sayin’? Certain races, dog.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Ghetto girl: What was these two white bitches doing in Harlem at 2:30 in the morning? You know how white they was? They so white they names was Ashley and Haley. That’s how white they was!

–Uptown 5 train

Midwestern tourist points to a black guy and says, to his tween daughter: You see that guy over there? You see how he’s a different color than you? You see that sometimes in big cities.

–Downtown 6 train

Overheard by: Gwen

Black girl to black friend: Yo, man, you’re acting like a black person.

–N train, Ditmars Blvd, Queens

Juicer: Oh, shit! We got customers in the store! We gotta stop acting so black!

–Jamba Juice, University Place

Frustrated woman, who has been trying in vain to hail a cab: What am I, black?

–21st & 6th

Black girl to black friend: We never gonna get a cab unless we start hangin’ with some white folks.

–Orchard & Houston

Overheard by: white folk

Teenage girl: But Bob Dylan is Jewish. That’s kind of black.

–Upper West Side

Black girl: Why we gotta be black all the time? Why can’t we be white for two minutes?

–Wendy’s, W 34th St

JAP: I hate being white!

–66th & Broadway

White teen girl: Now I know what it feels like to be a minority.

–Chinatown

White woman to black woman: I feel like I understand the black struggle because I feel I was black in a past life.

–Penn Station

Thug on cell: Black people like catfish also, nigga!

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mappy and Chocolate

Ghetto girl at crosswalk: Ooh, lil’ white man tells me to walk, so I’m walkin’!

–Times Square

Overheard by: bully

Wednesday One-Liners Are Thicker Than Water

Girl: Every time I fart, more blood comes out.

–SoHo

Guy on cell: The blood bank’s coming and they want me to give blood…Naw, I’m like, “I’ll give blood for Yankee tickets.” I’ve done enough for good causes. You know, I gotta hold on to that shit. That’s my blood, man.

–48th & 3rd

Jerseyite: Wait, mosquitoes suck blood?

–Prince & Lafayette

Girl, to guy singing loudly: Shut up, before I take my bloody pad off and smear it on your face! Times seven!

–Village Community School, W 10th St

Overheard by: Keesha Brown

Wednesday One-Liners Set the Bar Low and Then Step Over It

Friend: First you suspect he’s a date rapist, and now you’re worried he isn’t going to call?

–Union Square

Trendy woman: I need to be touched by a man in a loving way…It doesn’t even have to be loving.

—Pirates of the Caribbean 2 advance screening, the Ziegfield

Overheard by: Nick Draven

20-something girl on cell: I just wanna kiss someone!

–M15 bus

Girl: I’m going to make out with someone tonight. I’ve already decided.

–4th St, between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Ted

Well-dressed guy: You just hate that you can’t get a one-eyed, homeless black guy to think you’re hot.

–B train

Overheard by: Sugarnuts

Wednesday One-Liners Hang Around Home Depot

Hobo: Make New York safe for women! Lesbian jail! Put those vicious, ass-grabbing lesbians behind bars.

–E/V subway platform, 53rd & 5th

Overheard by: colin

Girl: I think I could totally be a lesbian…except for the whole, like, lack of penises thing.

–Three of Cups bar, 5th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: beepster

Guy: If I ever went to a drag bar, I’d never want to draw attention to myself. But two 400-pound lesbians?! I mean, come on.

–Office, 57th St

Guy: So tell me what those lesbian meetings are really about!

–St Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: mariana

Amateur sociologist: I think a lesbian counts for two gay people because they’re rare.

–Rivington & Ludlow

Wednesday One-Liners Tie the Knot

Guy: I have to sleep with her before she gets married.

–9th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Alison R.

Girl on cell: It’s marriage, not racism.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Phe

Woman on cell: I want the wedding without the husband. No, really, I want to wear the dress and have a party all about me.

–Bergdorf Goodman

Dude on cell: So she said, “Don’t you want to marry me?” and I was like [shrugging], “Why the fuck not?”

–Central Park, southwest entrance

Girl on cell: I can’t believe you can’t spend three hours to come to my wedding so you can study for the bar exam. I’m your sister! And this is my first wedding, so it’s really important to me.

–N train

Man: If I had known how much work marriage was gonna be, I would’ve said, “Fuck the cow. Give me the milk for free.”

–31st & Ditmars, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Shannon

Supportive friend: Well, they’re past the murder-suicide part of their marriage, so that’s good.

–6th St, between 1st & 2nd

Wednesday One-Liners Are Potty Trained

Girl on cell: What? What do you mean? What do you mean your audition is gonna be in a bathroom?

–42nd and 10th

Overheard by: dk

Hurrying lady: …and a urinal cake is worth fifteen points.

–43rd & 8th

Overheard by: Casper

Gay usher, loudly: Sex just isn’t the same when you’re constipated.

–Daryl Roth Theatre, Union Square

Hipster girl: So I just said to him, “Bye, I have to go now. I have diarrhea!”…Diarrhea is like the anti-aphrodisiac.

–Brooklyn bound F train

Woman on cell: Did you just say that you had a dream where Gene Wilder peed in your closet? Like, Willy Wonka, pissing on your clothes? Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard correctly.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: baffled

Dude: Nah, I wouldn’t piss on someone if I didn’t know them.

–Bar, Queens

Man, to woman having trouble with the bathroom door: Oh come on, you fucking cunt, work the damn door. Big fucking place like this, they got only one bathroom, I am fucking pissing on the floor. I will piss on the damn floor. That’s my fucking right as an American. I’m a patriot. Patriot, that’s an adverb. An action adverb. Mrs. Riegell told me in third grade if you have a syllable you’ve got an adverb, and I got a damn syllable, so damnit, I’m pissing on the fucking floor.

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Aced Anatomy 101

Mother, to little boy: No, you cannot smell my armpit!

–Keyspan Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jesse

Doctor on cell: Look, having knees doesn’t make you special.

–Oustide New York Presbyterian Hospital

Ghetto chick: When she’s asleep, I’m gonna squat on her brain.

–16th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: alyssa

Father of little girl who has just hit her head: Did your brain fall out?

–Chili’s, Staten Island

Overheard by: Ada and Andi

Chick: His teeth are really straight. But that’s because he was home-schooled.

–Baskin Robbins, 23rd & 8th

Guy: Every time a girl sees my teeth, she’s like, “Naaah.” I’m gonna get this whole shit redone, where they take them all out and replace the whole thing. It costs like $20,000…Only thing is you have to go two months without any teeth.

–29th St & 33rd Ave, Astoria

Middle-aged man, to college girl in skirt: Excuse me, miss, you have very nice legs. Have you ever thought about doing voice-overs?

–31st & 6th

Overheard by: plo

Teenage boy: Who wants to play guess which body part am I fidgeting?

–North Gannon & Bradley, Staten Island

Overheard by: Shamrocknroll

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Have a Leg to Stand on

Mom, to two small children: I think it is better to be born with no legs than to be born with two and have them taken away.

–11th St & 8th Ave

Laundromat owner: She think she know everything! If he love her so much, why’d he go get that other girl pregnant two months after she lost her leg?! He should be giving her a baby!

–Laundromat, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Suparna

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Afraid of Any 666

Old guy on cell: I don’t know, thinking about going to the movies. Maybe I’ll see The Devil in Miss Prada.

–Mcburney YMCA, W 14th St

Girl: Yeah I sold my soul to the devil. I was like, “Hey, devil, can I sell you my soul?” And he was like, “Okay.”

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Natasha

Queer: And, futhermore, we all know that the Devil does not wear Prada. He wears flame-retardant knock-offs from Target.

–Chelsea

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