Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Are Masters of Their Own Verbal Domain

Guy: They’re squatters and ravers. They squat and rave…They squave.

–Belle and Sebastian show, Battery Park

Overheard by: Lacey

Suit: You know how some people wing it? Well I wanged it. I totally wanged it.

–52nd & 7th

Overheard by: Jatmos

Asian guy: It seems like everyone is giving headjobs these days.

–Flinders St

Overheard by: duygu

Female nurse: I’m telling you, he is totally intercontinental. I have to change him 4 times a day.

–Hudson & Spring

Overheard by: AJ Stone

Wordsmith, on the phone: Ma’am, her train is being delayed because of constipation.

–Office, 1250 Broadway

Teen on cell: He’s not very smart…Yeah, I just need someone to conversate with.

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Chelsea

College guy: The word “secretion” just fucks me up.

–NYU

10-Year-Old boy: I ain’t speakin’ no language.

–B48 bus, Franklin & DeKalb

Overheard by: Kyri

Tourist: Sexual attention is the only language I really understand.

–Around the Clock Diner, Stuyvesant & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: gweny

Woman: The lesbians don’t like the Jews…I mean the Lebanese.

–Party, 16th & 1st

Girl: Stop staring at all the buildings, you look like a terrorist!…I mean tourist. Same thing.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: ceci

Girl: Oh, my shoes totally fell asleep…Fell asleep? Fell apart!

–Fort Greene Park, Brooklyn

The Rainbow Flag Hangs Over Wednesday One-liners

Queer: That’s why you never bring a drunk pussy to a gay club.

–17th between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Robert

Girl on cell: But wait, was she gay or was she lesbian?

–8th & Broadway

Queer on cell: Pussy? You mean Pussy?…No?… No, I know Hibiscus…Is that the one with the boyfriend at the bar?…Pussy!…Well, are you the good witch or the wicked witch? Oh, I guess that won’t work for you, you’ve never seen Wizard of Oz.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: mh

Girl: Oh my God, I hear heterosexual voices!

–18th & 8th

Older guy: I’m still trying to figure out who designed this bathroom. I mean, whoever designed this place wanted something up their ass.

–Pavilion movie theater, Park Slope

Overheard by: Daniel Radosh

Girl: Yeah, but I mean, this gay thing’s gonna be in him forever…

–East Drive, Central Park

Woman on cell: Well, if he wears a dress shirt with really nice jeans, that makes it a little less gay for them.

–4th Avenue & 12th Street

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

RuPaul II: Mmm, I would suck spare rib outta his dick…sauce and all.

–Christopher Street

Guy: Yeah, I don’t like lip rings that much. They get dirty too easily, y’know, from food and sucking cock…

–MacDougal Tattoo, Sullivan Street

Overheard by: gwen limbach

Chelsea boy on cell: Hey, honey, I saw you leave with that hot bartender last night. I’m coming over with a couple of videos and that vinaigrette I borrowed, and you’re telling me everything.

–21st & 7th

Woman: Of course. I’m in and out of the closet all the time.

–Dojo, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Ellen

Girl on cell: So he told me that sucking cock didn’t make him gay…and I said, “How’s that if you never go down on me?”…fucking faggot!

–F train

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Crash Moment

Teen chick: You know, when I think about it, I really don’t know how she can be my sister. Our birthdays are exactly one month apart, and she’s light-skinned.

–B48 bus, Brooklyn

Overheard by: eefers

Kid to another: No, really. I’m telling you — Michael Jackson used to be black. I saw it on TV.

–B61 bus, Brooklyn

Lady to friend: Your black ass is going to melt just as fast as my white ass if there is a nuclear war.

–116th & Broadway

White girl to another: So, what’s your dream ethnicity?

–Q train, Canal St

Big black guy: I love Old Navy because it’s like GAP, but for black people.

–Old Navy, 6th Ave

Conductor: Next stop, Penn Station. Black power, motherfuckers.

–2 train, 42nd St

The Wednesday One-Liners behind the Badge

Male cop to another: Did I tell you today how much I love you?

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Egon

Thug jumping onto train just as doors were closing: Yo, what train is this? Nah, I don’t care as long as the cops didn’t see me.

–C train, Penn Station

Overheard by: go rangers!

Cop car loudspeaker to random driver: Please use your turn signal when you make an illegal left turn and cut off the bus causing an accident.

–8th & University

Overheard by: misspenny

Conductor: Do not go in between cars at any time, whether or not the train is moving. This is becoming a police state. That’s why I’m outta here.

–S train, Grand Central

Overheard by: Hametuka

Pepé Le Pew’s Scentimental Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Hey, ladies. [Girls giggle.] You smell so good — like Campbell’s soup!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emily

Man on cell: You tell your smelly sisters that they have to shower tonight.

–39th & 5th

Queer hipster to fag hag: Oh my god, his placenta stank!

–N train

Overheard by: Lauren

Chick to friend: Shut up, or I’ll sniff you in a minute!

–Central Park

JAP: Ew, like — I like, washed my hair, like, this morning… Why does it, like, smell? Ewww… That’s sooo bimmey!

–1 train

Chipper thugette: I smell pussy!

–L train, Bedford stop

What's Eating Wednesday One-Liners?

NYU guy on cell: Hey dude, I just wanted you to know that I left my burrito in your fridge. Yeah, I'll come around next Tuesday to pick it up.

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Julium

Rotund old woman at lesbian hipster cafe: Give me a sesame bagel, pound it down till it's flat, then toast it till it has a nice rich brown coating. And please, a coffee with cream. Make it a nice tan color.

–Paradise Cafe, 8th & 17th

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Middle aged dad, yelling while crossing street with sons: I will learn to make Pad Thai!

–Union Square

Girl on phone: But seriously, you give me good food, and there's a pretty good chance I'll have a thing for you.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: molly

Man: You know, when I was 25 all I thought about was spending the night at the Playboy mansion. And now I'm 35, and all I really want to do is eat barbecue.

–Hill Country BBQ

Overheard by: I'm just here for the ribs.

Start the Clock, Wednesday One-liners

Suit: You know, at 2:30 in the morning, I become, like, a zombie of love.

–G train

Chick: There’s this guy who lives in that clock over there. They showed his apartment on TV. It’s like a prehistoric landmark.

–F train

Overheard by: mh

Chick on cell: Yeah, I’m a ten-minutes-early girl and you’re a ten-minutes-late girl, and together that makes us twenty minutes late.

–Houston & Eldridge

Overheard by: Shane

Yuppie lady: Let’s see your tits!…Hey, we’ve got time. Take off your top.

–Bryant Park

Guy on cell: You can’t fist someone for that long. They turn into a handpuppet after 5 minutes.

–47th & 5th

Q: What's Black and White and Red All Over? A: An Embarrassed Wednesday One-Liner

Girl to friend: Oh, my God, I think I just left the most embarrassing thing in the bathroom.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: V

Woman to roommate: When we get home, we'll have embarrassing sexual accidents!

–Pathmark, Massapequa

Overheard by: Are they really accidents if you plan ahead?

Nerdy TA: The thesis talk is kind of like the sex talk. It's a little embarrassing, no one really wants to give it, but it'll make you grow as adults.

–Columbia University

Girl to friend: I'm not embarrassed that I peed in his bed. I'm just not.

–Columbia University

Girl on cell: I saw it and I thought, "how embarrassing would it be riding on a bike with a nun."

–Grand Central

Overheard by: galgal

Wednesday One-Liners: Fact or Fiction?

Guy: It's like August: Osage County, but with zombies.

–Manhattan Theatre Source

Overheard by: Emily B.

Girl: You know what they say: two in the bush, one in the wizard.

–Dorm, Pratt Institute

College student: Ghosts? They're like VT!

–186th St & Amsterdam

Black female suit on cell: Yeah, well you betta hope Tinkabell comes along… Or whoever the fuck it is who grants you ya damn wishes!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: emily d.

Annoyed man on cell walking down stairs: No, mom, I don't know what werewolves eat! No, mom, I don't! Mom, I can't talk right now, I'm going into the subway!

–Union Square Subway Entrance

Overheard by: Masked Avenger

People for the Ethical Treatment Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to guy: I don't think that hamsters respond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.

–Bank St. & Greenwich St.

Overheard by: Katie Compa

Crazy redneck-looking guy to PETA circus protester: They're gonna do to us what they did to the lions! We'll be put in concentration camps!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Santiago and Catie

Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!

–W 103rd St

Graying Brooklyn guy to another: You know, the only thing I haven't seen is a bobcat.

–7th Ave & 4th St, Brooklyn

Underclassman to another: Lizards can't impregnate anyone. They don't even have penises.

–Townsend Harris High School

Overheard by: amused

Drunk man in tiger costume to McDonald's worker: There's an escaped zoo animal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serving your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for breakfast menu)

–McDonald's

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