Age/Aging

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Ups and “Downs”

Dog owner to another: Dogs are funny. They're like little retarded kids.

–Tompkins Square Park Dog Run

Guy on cell: She went from Debbie downer to Debbie Down Syndrome.

–62nd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Timo Lipping

Dad: I thought she would like Carolina, so we took her to see four schools there. I asked her if she liked them and she said, "I liked the schools… But everyone there seemed slightly retarded."

–W 54th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Johnny V.

Southern woman who just ran NYC marathon to Southern friend: Well, we can't have a baby now because it would be retarded… because I'm 35, you know?

–Becco Restaurant, Theater District

Overheard by: mersayseh

Slang: The Right Way and the Wrong Ways

Lady #1: Look at all these kids! I feel so old…I can’t date in this city any more.
Lady #2: Are you kidding? Listen, honey, let me tell you…I just finished my starter marriage, and I’ve been dating like crazy!

–6 train

Overheard by: BBW

Girl #1: Look at my new ring! Isn’t it shiny and big?
Girl #2: Omigod. When did you get it?
Girl #1: Yesterday, my manlover gave it to me.
Girl #2: “Manlover”?
Girl #1: Yeah, he’s not a boy or my friend, hence manlover.

–F train

Overheard by: fridayweasel

Black chick #1: I told her to keep her badussy hands off my sandwich
Black chick #2: “Badussy”?
Black chick #1: Yeah, It’s like butt and pussy.

–Union Square

Guy: No, I mean I could but it’s not going to change the fact that he did it and he’s probably just going to do it again at some point.
Girl: But you could still gain the satisfaction of telling him he’s a bitch-ho.

–6 train

Girl #1: I’m on the brown; it stinks.
Girl #2: Brown?
Girl #1: You know, when your period is ending.

–Q train

Or Was That an Episode of M*A*S*H?

Old fart #1, after another exits bus: Did you hear that old fart? ‘Damn cell phones! Oughta be illegal…’ I was talking low! Not bothering him!
Old fart #2: Mmm-hmmm.
Old fart #1: Hey, the 92nd Street Y — that’s where I saw my first naked woman!
Old fart #2: When was that?
Old fart #1: When I was 46! … Nah, when I was 16 — drawing class… They were nurses.

–Bus, 86th St

Overheard by: stephie

Wednesay One-liners, The End

Fratboy: They’re going to tear that building down, because it’s seriously decrapitated. I mean, just totally decrapitated.

–BAM Cinematek

Girl on cell: He’s going to hell and I don’t even care. He’s going to die and I’m fine with it.

–Houston & 1st Ave.

Guy: My mom was going through menopause, and I could totally relate.

–Lafayette & 3rd St.

Overheard by: Tedd

What Not to Wednesday One-Liner

Hipster girl: Look, just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you have to dress like a fifth grader.

–Union Pool, Brooklyn

Vain fag, looking at pants: I really love these shorts, I hope they’re *in* this summer…

–LIRR

Guy wearing bright green leather clogs: No, I’d never wear crocs. They’re ugly.

–Forest Hills Gardens, Queens

Overheard by: Aloof Loner

Goth girl: Let’s buy fur coats and throw paint on ourselves.

–Bloomingdale’s

Disembodied voice: Yo, these are mom jeans. I hate that shit! The waist goes all the way up to your stomach and then it makes a little V-neck pouch for your vagina. I hate that shit!

–Fitting Rooms, Gap in Herald Square

Overheard by: Zarya

[Waiting in line for the washroom.]Lady, bawling her eyes out: Sorry, I ordered this jacket, and it’s two sizes too big!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Tracy

Is Your Suicide Vest Too Tight, Honey?

Child: Mommy, why do we have to take off our shoes?
Mom: Because that’s the kind of irrational world we live in, where little children have to take off their shoes.

–Security line, LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: jenya

Better Than That Place Where the Comedians Beat You Up and Rob You

Comedy club promoter: Hey, you guys want free beers and some laughs?
Teen tourists’ chaperone: They’re underage.
Comedy club promoter: How about free sodas and a few giggles?

–Outside Hilton Theatre

Overheard by: Amused Teenage Tourist

At Least I'm Not Adopted

Little girl, in very loud voice: Mommy, how old are you?
Older woman: Twenty-two.
Little girl: No, you're not! You're like fifty something!

–JFK

Okay, but a Burlap Sack and Shower Cap?

Chick: Does she think that looks hot?
Friend: She’s ten.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Jax

To Be Fair, the Nun's Habit Tends to Throw a Person Off

Chick #1: Did you make out with a hooker?
Dude: I didn't *make out* with anyone!
Chick #2: Did you seventh-grade kiss a hooker?
Chick #1: Did you seventh-grade *think* about kissing a hooker?
Dude: I didn't even know she was a hooker until twenty minutes into our conversation!

–F Train

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