Does It Come in Flavors?

Teen guy #1: Yo, I was Christmas shopping with Julia and her other friend at Sephora, and they got the weirdest fuckin’ gift for Anne.
Teen girl: What was it?
Teen guy #1: Well, we walked into the store, and Julia asked if they sold this cream that you put on your ass that takes away, like, stretch marks and pimples on your ass and shit. It was fuckin’ nasty. They got her ass cream.
Teen guy #2: That’s fuckin’ weird, yo. It’s like, ‘Oh, Anne, I was thinking of getting you this really nice sweater for Christmas–‘ ‘–Forget the sweater! All I want is some Grade A ass cream!’

–Movie theater, Battery Park

Posted on February 20, 2015
Battery Park, Friends, Gifts

Like Mr. Hefner

Person: So how do you get girls, Mr Lynn?
Mr Lynn: I adopt them.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Excellence

Posted on February 18, 2015
Battery Park, Default, Guys, Kids, Questions, Sexuality, Stuyvesant, Weirdness

But Who Will Prevent Cruelty to Imaginary Russell Simmons?

Skinny black acid-tripper to ASPCA ad featuring Russell Simmons: Yo, I can dance. You can’t dance. You don’t exist. [Pause.] Yo, what you said? I’ll fuck you up!

–near Worth & Mott St

Overheard by: Joe

Posted on January 23, 2015
Battery Park, Black People, Dancing, Druggies

Ever Feel Like the TLC Channel Is the Freakshow Of Our Day?

Tourist father, in serious voice, as if commenting on tourist attraction: Little people.
Tourist daughter: Kids?
Tourist father: No, they're adults. Just little. Did you see the one on the bike?

–Battery Park

Overheard by: Kevin

Posted on January 5, 2015
Battery Park, Dads, Families, Parks, Physical appearance, Stupidity, Tourism

“I'm Having a Wednesday One-Liner– And It's Yours!”

Man in floor-length green dress to passersby: How do you know if you're having a baby? It's by the way you lift your legs!

–8th & 34th

Guy to girlfriend: Just make sure you tell me if you're on antibiotics. I already got like three babies that way.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: It's how I got mine

Large black man: She was poppin' those babies out like an Easy-Bake Oven!

–Coney Island Broadwalk

Hobo woman yelling at random pregnant woman: I told you be careful with that belly! That baby's gonna die! It gonna die!

–Broadway & Liberty

Overheard by: CG

Man talking animatedly on cell: Yeah! Don't be surprised if the baby comes out with a hairy red ass!

–Spring Street, SoHo

Middle aged woman: Your baby wouldn't stop crying, so I put my tit in his mouth.

–W 12th & W 4th

Overheard by: michael diamond

Posted on December 16, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Babies, Battery Park, Black People, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Coney Island, Crying, Death, Fears, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Men, Nipples, Offers and requests, On Cell, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Soho, The Village, Weirdness, West Village, Women, Words

There's No Wednesday One-Liners Like Show Wednesday One-Liners

Festering pedestrian: Well, he didn't mention my name at the Tonys, and for that I'll never forgive him.

–43rd St & 10th Ave

Overheard by: Ryan

Producer of an unsuccessful off-Broadway play: That's what this show makes me do. Everyday I get here and just squeeze my neck just like this, I just squeeze it. I don't do this anywhere else.

–Chelsea Theater

Overheard by: Kyle

Audience member to friend: Of course it sucks. It's Shakespeare.

—Macbeth Performance, Battery Park

Hipster guy: I think this play is by the same guy who wrote Ten Things I Hate about You

–NYCL Production of Shakespeare's Cymbeline, Central Park

Overheard by: digamma

Hipster girl: Last time I was in the third row, but I think I like these better. At least I won't get my head humped tonight.

—Hair Performance, Delacorte Theatre

Teenybopper at intermission: Joe Jonas would make such an incredible bodega guy!

–Richard Rodgers Theatre

Posted on October 31, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Body Parts, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, Teens, Theater, Theater & Dance, Weirdness

He’s Only Ever Seen Them at Whole Foods

10-year-old #1: Man, if I was a duck, I would be like Darkwing duck, except I would have a jet pack so I could fly.
10-year-old #2: Dude, ducks can fly.
10-year-old #1: No they can’t, man. That’s why I would have a jet pack. Vrooom!

–Battery Park

Posted on October 12, 2014
Animals & Nature, Battery Park, Kids

The Birth of the Hair Gel Diet –and You Are There!

Teen girl #1: Man… I really need some hair gel.
Teen girl #2: This morning, my mom told me I was too fat to go to prom.

–Bathroom, Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: thivnav

Posted on October 6, 2014
Battery Park, Default, Diet/Weight, Girls, Hair, Jobs & Careers, Parents, Stuyvesant, Stuyvesant Town, Teens, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

200 Wednesday One-Liners, and There's Nothing to Watch.

Professor: Do you guys watch American Idol? It's painful.

–Lehman College

Film student #1: It's kind of like Cloverfield meets The L Word.

–Waverly Place & Broadway

Valley girl wearing UGGs, pointing to Guggenheim: Oh! I think this is the building where Blair and Serena live!

–Outside of Guggenheim

Really effeminate 40-something man: I always pick up when he calls, and he was so mad I didn't this time… but I couldn't, because I was still in mourning over American Idol!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Melissa

Queer to female friend: I was watchin' Oprah the other day. Oprah is legit! She had Christina Applegate on. You know, that girl from Married with Children and she was talkin' 'bout her breasts. She got breast cancer and they took both of them off! She had on of them lumpectomies.

–J Train

Guy: That's the new American dream–fuck up your life so much that you get your own tv show.

–Fundraising Walk, Battery Park

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Posted on September 27, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Battery Park, Cancer, College, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dreams, Film, Friends, Girls, Guys, Idiots, More museums, On the Subway, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Queer guys, Questions, Rack, Store, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Village, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

That, and They Never Go to the Gym

Girl, in line for Circle Line: Oh my god! The squirrels here are so fat! Fatter than the ones back home!
Guy in line: Kick it!
Girl: The pigeons are fat, too!
Guy in line: Kick it!
Girl: I don't want anymore of this pretzel. Here, pigeon…
Stranger girl, annoyed: That's why the pigeons are so fat here!

–Battery Park

Posted on September 26, 2014
Animals & Nature, Battery Park, Birds, Diet/Weight, Girls, Guys, Junk Food & Fast Food, Strangers