Compare/Contrast

A Steady Stream of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Yeah, that was the night I pissed all over his walls.

–Fanelli’s, Prince & Mercer

Overheard by: hjane

Dude: I think she’s pretty cool, even though she tried to pee on me that one time.

–Rumours, 55th & 8th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Girl on cell: …Well, I was, until he peed his pants. It was all downhill from there.

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: kelsey

Guy on cell: She got pissed on… So do I. I guess if she can survive another two months… How much damage do you think he can do?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Al E Ro

Guy entering bank: Fuck that dragworm! It’s my bank! I’m gonna give him a tip because he stepped in front of me to hold the door? Fuck that! It’s like if I was gonna piss and he knocked my hand aside to grab my dick.

–Washington Mutual

Wait, Isn’t Lou Reed Still Alive?

Stoned hipster #1: Dude, Van Gogh is the Sex Pistols.
Stoned hipster #2: Huh?
Stoned hipster #1: Because, think about it: Van Gogh never sold a painting while he was alive, and the Sex Pistols never won any awards or nothing. Yet they’re both appreciated in our time.
Stoned hipster #2: It’s more like Van Gogh is The Velvet Underground.
Stoned hipster #1: Oh my god, Van Gogh is so The Velvet Underground!

–Bowery Ballroom

Overheard by: Abram

Like Fauxhawks and Living with Your Parents

College girl: Like Spiderman and Batman?
College guy, enthusiastically: That analogy is always cool!

–186th St & Arthur Ave

From The Wizard Of Oz! The Wizard Of Oz!

Ugly skinny girl: I swear to god, if you compare us to The Golden Girls one more time, we're not friends anymore.
Cute fat girl: Okay, fine. (pause) God you can be such a Dorothy sometimes.

–54th & 5th

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Can Cook

Drunk college girl: I don’t mean to have sex with ugly guys but more often than not…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lo

Thuggish dude on cell: … You want to look in the mirror and be like ewww, while everyone else looks at you and is like, ooh, you know what I’m saying? When I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I think to myself shit, I am one ugly motherfucker, how the hell do I get so many bitches?

–7 Train

Overheard by: Andrea

Dumpy man waiting on line: I didn’t know court was a beauty contest for ugly women.

–Downtown NYC Courthouse

Man fighting with random woman on train: You’re as ugly as the tip of my dick!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Marlon B

Teenage girl to group of friends: Oh! Did I tell you *Jessica had her baby? Yeah, that shit ain’t ugly.

–Cobble Hill

Loud girl: Omigod I’m soooo pissed! Like, she’s so ugly. Much uglier than me. And you know on Halloween, if I hadn’t been bleeding from my vagina and puking in a bowl he would have hooked up with me instead.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: I was puking in a bowl when I heard this too

“Things That a Wife Would Say”?

Guy #1: Alanis Morissette wrote a song called Under Rug Swept? That’s like Dylan Thomas! Wait, no, that’s Under Milk Wood.
Guy #2: I have officially fired you from talking.

–Starbucks, 8th Avenue & 15th Street

This Round's on Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo to another: Now the average American might not know about the economy and the depression. But they know about Budwieser. If they go to the bodega and there's no Budweiser, they know there's a problem.

–53rd Street E Station

Overheard by: SJG

Bald 30-something man: I believe in whiskey and little else.

–Lorimer & Union

Girl walking down the street: You took methamphetamines, I'm getting a Diet Coke!

–2nd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: dazed and confused

Elated girl: This beer is really helping my canker sore.

–93rd & 2nd

Overheard by: brian w

Guy at bar: If the New York Public Library served Scotch, I would go there.

–Karl's Klipper, St George, Staten Island

Overheard by: Johnny Drongo

Train conductor: Next stop, Moshulo Parkway…and can someone get me a fucking soda! I'm in car 3! I need a damn soda!

–4 Train

Overheard by: B-Dizzle Yo

Granted, With Oyster Cream Sauce

Girl #1: Your pussy smells like fish.
Girl #2: Your pussy smells like a light salmon.
Girl #1: Oh, yeah? Well, you're no more than a brook trout.

–110 & Amsterdam

None Of the Best Earthquakes Vacation There

Brunette #1 to friend: I have like no idea what's going on in the world right now. I should start watching the news.
Brunette #2: Well, I heard that Italy is becoming less popular. You know, like on the Richter scale.

–78th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Teresa

Whereas We Just Saddle Up at Fetish Parties

Long Island guy: I'm from Merrick.
Brooklyn guy: Merrick? What's Merrick?
Long Island guy: It's a town on Long Island.
Brooklyn guy, laughing: A town!? They still have those? It seems so old fashioned! A town! Sounds like in the 1800s, when people would saddle up their wagons and go into town.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand

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