Wednesdays Make You Want to Have One-Liners of Your Own

Little white boy to frustrated black nanny who is trying to hail a cab: My daddy always gets a taxi!

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Dan

Little boy: This place is like a dead zoo.

–American Museum of Natural History

Four-year-old boy: Yo, this sofa is mad comfy!

–Used Furniture Store, Staten Island

Four-year-old boy: That’s enough, I’m calling Interpol!

–A Train

Overheard by: Swarles

Little girl to mom after terrible Skyride attraction: Mommy, can we never do this again?
(random guy behind her starts laughing) Stop it! Stop laughing at me!

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: Claire

Eight-year-old boy: This museum is inappropriate.

–The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Greek & Roman Sculpture Wing

Overheard by: Taylor

Posted on November 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Boys, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Death, Empire State Building, Glad the Condom Broke, Kids, Laughter, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Museum of Natural History, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Parents, Soho, Staten Island, Store, The Met, Upper East Side, White People

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't That Kind Of Streetwalker

Police officer to taxi driver: If you just hit one, the rest will scatter.

–Herald Square

Guy to girl, pushing her into the street: Anna versus car, who will win?

–E Houston & Ave D

Overheard by: haha

Tourist to New Yorker: You're not supposed to jaywalk!

–Herald Square

Chick to another: We didn't get hit by a car… Oh well, maybe next time.

–7th & 23rd

Overheard by: Stormy

Guy with stroller to passing car: You hit my baby, I'll take your car!

–Fordham & Hoffman

Overheard by: sromeo

Crossing guard, watching pedestrian cross in a hurry: My money's on the bus!

–Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: Steve

Posted on September 29, 2015
Accidents, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Babies, Cabbies, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cops, Girls, Guys, Lower Manhattan, Money & Class, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Public Transportation, Questions, Strangers, Street, Stupidity, The Bronx, Threats, Tourism, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

He Works in the Irony Precinct

Guy: I thought you couldn’t write diplomats tickets.
Cop: You can write ’em, they just don’t have to pay ’em!
Guy: Oh.
Cop: Yeah. Fuck them!

–6th between B & C

Posted on August 13, 2015
Cops, Foreigners, Guys, Talking/Convos, Union Square and East Village

Tonight's Movie: Shootin' It Old School

Woman, shouting as she is being told to leave building: You ol' crackhead bitch anyway!
Police officer: You're that last person to be callin' someone a crackhead.
Woman: I ain't a crackhead. I'm a dope fiend! Dope fiend, dope fiend, dope fiend (repeats until she leaves)

–Madison Square Food Court, 31st & 7th

Overheard by: Jeff Johnson

Posted on August 11, 2015
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cops, Hard Drugs, Insults, Restaurants & Cafes, Women

Um, I Think Those Were Mannequins.

Suit #1: Did you see them?
Suit #2: No.
Suit #1: They were either Secret Service men, or really in-shape accountants…

–Union Square

Posted on August 4, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Cops, Jobs & Careers, Suits, Union Square and East Village

Plus I Need the Answer to a Really Tough Math Problem

Latino cop #1 (directing traffic): Yo, why you stopping that guy? You let all the other people through.
Latino cop #2: Yo, Chinese people do not know how to drive.

–Broadway & Fulton, Brooklyn

Posted on July 27, 2015
Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Cops, Latinos, Race

…But I Have This Machete Just in Case.

(cop has police tape pulled across intersection to prevent pedestrians from walking while traffic is moving)
Ten-year-old kid, wearing gray sweatshirt and blue baseball cap: Why are you doing that?
Cop: We got a call about someone wearing a gray sweatshirt and blue baseball cap prowling the streets, so this is to keep you safe. Do you feel safe, kid?
Kid, looking terrified: Yeah?

–5th Ave & 47th St

Posted on July 26, 2015
Cops, Fears, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions

Tour De Wednesday One-Liners

Large female southern tourist: It'd be really funny if we got stuck on the toilet and couldn't get up. It'd be the whole "help! Get me off this toilet!" thing.

–Bathroom, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Tourist woman to husband: Where's that cop who was here a minute ago? He gave me the wrong directions, and I wanna cuss him out for it!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Deeds

Tourist: Is this the building where people go all crazy about the numbers?

–Outside New York Stock Exchange

Overheard by: Kyle

50-something tourist husband to wife, while they share bites of same apple: I don't know why we came to this city… We can't even afford breakfast.

–34th & 7th

Posted on July 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Business and Commerce, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cops, Couples, Directions, Fat People, Food, Insults, Money & Class, One-liners, Penn Station, Questions, Southerners, Stupidity, The Met, Tourism, Tourists, Travel, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Well, Ralph Was Able to Punch Alice to There

Cop: I won’t issue you a summons if you can answer this question correctly… What’s closer to New York, Italy or the moon? I’ll give you a hint. You can see the moon.
Perp: Ummm… the moon!

–Brownsville, Brooklyn

Overheard by: po-pos do give 2nd chances

Posted on July 20, 2015
Brooklyn, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Global Geography, Idiots, Stupidity

To a Number of Prior False Arrests

Thug #1: Oh, shit! It’s the po-po! Let’s get outta here, man! Come on, let’s go!
Thug #2: Yo, chill, we ain’t done nothing wrong!
Thug #1: Yeah, you’re right, dog… just a reaction.

–21st & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: SUSAN

Posted on July 18, 2015
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Thugs

Cops