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The Parable of Wednesday and the One-Liners

Voice on PA system: Attention — if you want to preach, we ask that you please move around the boat. Again, don’t stand in one place; please continue moving around the boat if you want to preach.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Kate

Crazy guy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bible says that the fire will come in the form of locusts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Apache helicopter created by the U.S. Army is in the shape of locusts. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Please believe me, ladies and gentlemen…

–2 train

Overheard by: beeloo

God Squad guy: Let Jesus be your lawyer! OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson — what did they have? Good lawyers! On Judgment Day, you’re going to need a lawyer! Let Jesus represent you!

–Roosevelt Ave station

Overheard by: How come Jesus didn’t represent himself at the Crucifiction?

Black Jewish preacher: Bad boy, bad boy — whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when Jesus come for you?

–21st St

Man: Everything you see belongs to the Lord. He is willing to save your soul. [Cell phone rings, and he answers] Hi, honey… I’m in the Bronx, preaching… I told you last night, remember? I said, ‘God is telling me to preach in the Bronx.’ Yes, I did tell you! [Hisses] You never fucking listen!

–6 train

Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Liberry

Teen boy: Yeah, I read the audio book.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Sarah

Chick: My life has really changed since moving to New York. Like, in L.A. I use to read Us Weekly, and now I read The New Yorker.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: Aileen

UWS mom to hippie college son: Darling, I’ve decided we must get this book because it feels really quite wonderful. [Customers gawk.] I know it sounds weird, but the way a book feels means a lot, and this one feels good. Oh, and I like the cover.

–The Strand

Overheard by: losaida lois

Literary agent: God, I’m so sick of domestic violence memoirs. I just want to go beat the crap out of them.

–W 35th St

Lit professor: Reading Ulysses for the first time, like other life experiences we have for the first time, is not quite as pleasurable as we might have hoped it would be. However, unlike other life experiences we have for the first time, reading Ulysses lasts much, much longer.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: amelia

Okay, One More Time — There Are Two Kinds of Pies

Man #1: No one is going to eat this pie.
Man #2: Yeah, someone will.
Man #1: Well, not after I finger-fuck it!

–Union Square

Separated at Birth?

Hedge fund wannabe #1 pointing to poster: Barry Manilow!
Hedge fund wannabe #2: So gay!
Hedge fund wannabe #1: He looks like what Rod Stewart would be if Rod were a woman…

–53rd St station

Overheard by: Dennis

But I’m Only Taking That Advice because of Your Cup Size

Lady: If you want girls to like you, you need to learn how to be nice to them.
Boy: Okay.
Lady: I’m your teacher. You need to listen to me. You’ve got to open doors for them.
Boy: Uh-huh…
Lady: And you need to stop talking about their breasts!
Boy: All right! I get it!

–Grand Central

Actually, Meg Ryan’s Just Had Too Much Eye Work Done

Woman: Whoopsie!
Male friend #1, drunk: Whoooopsie!
Male friend #2: So, this train goes to Atlantic Avenue, right?
Woman: Right.
Male friend #2, pulling out mini map: So, we’re here… and Atlantic Avenue is…
Woman, lowering voice: You’re standing too close to that girl.
Male friend #1, drunk: What? No I’m not.
Woman: Yes, you are. You’re right in her face.
Drunk man: Oh, she doesn’t care. She’s Korean.

–Q train

Overheard by: the 6′ tall white girl he was standing WAY too close to

The Battle of the Sexes Comes to the Peace Table. Sort Of.

Girl: Please!
Guy: No!
Girl: Come on!
Guy: No!
Girl: Pleeease, just once!
Guy: I’m not going to let you mace me!
Girl: Come on… I’ll let you punch me in the ovaries.
Guy: … Just one, or both?

–Sullivan & Prince

Just Natural Selection Doing Its Job

Rider #1: I see so many girls I want to have sex with when I ride.
Rider #2: That’s because everyone out here is athletic.
Rider #1: Yeah!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Jeremy Willinger

I Shall Enforce This Decree by the Power of My Pussy

Angry girlfriend: I don’t want you to challenge me on anything!
Boyfriend: [Silence.]Angry girlfriend: I don’t want you to tell me I’m wrong!
Boyfriend: [Silence.]Angry girlfriend: If you’re not going to tell me I’m correct, just don’t talk anymore.

–F train

Overheard by: Colleen

Think about It — What Are the Odds?

Activist girl: Sir, ma’am, do you have one minute to help the Democratic party?
Chipper passerby chick: No, but I have your shirt!
Activist girl, unimpressed: Awesome.

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: Christiana Little

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