Friends

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Nouveau Riche

Female shopper to Bloomingdale's cologne sprayer: Don't you dare spray your $30 over my $150.

–Perfume Aisle, Bloomingdale's

Old lady on cell: I mean, it's just five million…

–Madison & 77th St

Very rich mom to new nanny, about baby in stroller: Okay, well, she loves sushi, and…

–Upper East Side

Rich teen: I asked my mom to go to Louis Vuitton with me this weekend and she was like, "we're in a recession, let's go to Dolce."

–42nd St

Overheard by: I want a m6

Label-whore eating grapes and cheese, to friend: Oh my god, I feel so rich when I eat this stuff… Oh, wait, I am.

–Paul's Cafe

You Know You Love It. Xoxo.

20-something hipster guy to friend: Dude, did you see Gossip Girl last night?
Friend: (stares)
20-something hipster guy, indignantly: Shut up! If you started watching it, you wouldn't be able to stop, either!

–168 St Subway Station

Overheard by: Kat

Birthday One-Liners

20-something guy on cell: My girlfriend's birthday is tomorrow. (pause) I don't know. Maybe a bong.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Steve Popovich

Girl to friend: I just wanted to hook up with him because we had the same birthday.

–8th St & 5th Ave

Rent cast member (shouting over shoulder): I turn 34 on Friday, I'm old but at least I made it past Jesus.

–Nederlander Theatre

Woman arguing loudly with her mother in the laundromat: My 30th birthday is gonna be ruined if we don't go to the wax museum!

–4th Ave & 14th St, Brooklyn

Guy handing out New York Post: Grab your free copy of New York Post, it's free, it's free! Oh, and happy birthday to me today, thank you very much for remembering it! Oh, what a lovely day…

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: Eve

I'm Not Just Her Attorney, I'm Also a Client

Suit to suit friend: That's so nice of her, to pick you up at one in the morning. You just asked her to come get you?
Suit friend: Yeah, I called her and I was like “hey, babe can you come get me? I got out of work late. Just wake the baby and bring him in the car.” Twenty minutes later she was there. With divorce papers she had been working on.
Suit: Well, at least she picked you up, bro.
Suit friend: Very true.

–12th & 5th

Overheard by: Sarah

…If I Make Her.

White woman to friend: I don't know if this is a stereotype or anything, but Asian women are really subservient, you know? I mean, they all like keep the house and cook and clean and keep the place neat for their husbands and do whatever they want.
White man, overhearing: Yes, that is a stereotype. And my girlfriend could kick your ass.

–2 Train

… For Money

Girl: Are you saying I’m a whore?
Guy: No, no, I’m just saying… [whispers].
Girl: You’re saying I’m a whore!
Guy: No, I’m saying… [whispers].
Girl: I’m a girl who likes to watch porn and what? [Guy whispers.] I like to watch porn and what?
Guy, softly: … Likes to watch porn and have sex.

–Menchanko restaurant, 45th & Lex

Overheard by: emily

It’s Too Hard Pretending to Be Who I Already Am

Metrosexual: Have you gone to that hair salon I told you about?
Scruffy artist: I walked by…
Metrosexual: It’s beautiful.
Scruffy artist: I can’t go in. It’s too hipster.
Metrosexual: No! It’s anti-hipster.
Scruffy artist: Well, I can’t do the cultural math.

–Ft Greene apartment building lobby

Jimmies Give It That Great Flavor

Guy #1: Have you ever had Tasti D-lite? It’s disgusting! It tastes like frozen cum.
Guy #2: Well, it’s not that good.

–7th & Christopher

Overheard by: Gordon

Ok, That’s My New Worst Fear Too

Girl #1: My worst fear is falling on a picket fence or getting eaten by a shark.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, well my worst fear is someone pushing me forward onto a blackboard and having my teeth scrape down the front. That would be awful.

–Grand Central Station

Dogs Don’t Usually Burn Holes in Things

Queer #1, stopping at store window: I don’t know. Should I? Well, actually, can I go in?
Queer #2: Sure you can. They let dogs in. Why can’t you go in with a cigarette?

–The Village

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