Guy #1: I mean, maybe I would spoon with you if it was really cold or if it was winter and we were in the mountains or something. But I’m really not that interested in spooning with you or anything. That’s the last thing on my mind.
Guy #2: Dude, I wasn’t offering.
Guy #1: I mean, I really don’t want to spoon you at all. Like, at all. That’s not my thing.
Guy #2: I really was not offering at all.
–1 Train
Lively black man: My sense of smell is back. I can smell pussy again!
–LIRR
Overheard by: meg
Black girl on cell: …you know it smells like straight bootymeat!
–Times Square
Overheard by: patrick
Obese black woman wearing skin-tight World’s #1 Dad t-shirt: This train smells like urine.
–Downtown A Train
Overheard by: World’s #2 Dad
Guy on cell: Baby, all I’m saying is when you came home last night, you smelled like another dude!
–107th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: HuntingSnark
Woman to male friend: I’ll just have to call you "anus breath" from now on.
–Jewish Theological Seminary, 122nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Sticking to mouthwash from now on
Woman: I smell dick. (licks her hand, sniffs it) Sho ’nuff!
–R Train
Guy: What makes you think the guy she likes is gay?
Girl: He’s a bartender in a gay bar. But he says it’s only because they tip better.
–Cosi, 13th & Broadway
Father to little daughter: You are the most beautiful girl in this photo… and I’m not biased.
(daughter smiles)
Father: Do you know what “biased” means?
Daughter (rolling her eyes): Yes, it means that you like both boys and girls.
–F Train
Drunk man to friend carrying him: And she keeps making fun of my tiny dick, but then she keeps grabbing my ass. Can you explain that to me?
–5th Ave
Overheard by: John-Boy
Man to friend: Ya know I’ve touched both your dick and your brother’s dick… and his is much bigger.
–44th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: bigstoopit
20-something guy: I’ve just decided I need to quit dicking around and buy some q-tips.
–1 Train
Overheard by: drew
Guy, yelling: I did not put Peter’s dick in my mouth. I didn’t see it, I don’t even know what it looks like! None of us even came and it’s not important!
–Greenwich Ave
Obviously straight guy: For a million dollars. I’d suck the Jolly Green Giant’s dick, I don’t care if it did break my jaw.
–MacDougal St
Wall Street guy #1: So I was watching A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila and my son asked: “Dad, what’s a lesbian?” I mean, I wish I could tell him about it when he’s ready.
Wall Street guy #2: Yeah, so anyway. They have these only boys and only girls birthday parties for the little kids down at Fire Island…
Wall Street guy #1: So you think the parties turn them into lesbians?
Wall Street guy #2: No, I’m just trying to segue into talking about something other than… (looks around train suspiciously) lesbians.
–Downtown 6 Train
(mom yelling at six-year-old son playing with several magazines)
Mom: Eric, let’s go now!
Eric: But Mom, I want one!
Mom: For Christ’s sake! Just take one and let’s go.
(Eric takes Gay Life)
Mom: Your father is going to kill you.
–80th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Schatz
Middle-aged guidette: He’s gay, he’s gay, he’s gay!
Uptight white woman: My husband isn’t gay. Loving Jesus doesn’t make you gay.
–Port Authority
Lesbian daughter: Wow, I have such burnt-out memory cells. Not to be confused with my sickle cell.
Sister, laughing: It’s all mom’s fault! All mom’s fault.
Lesbian to mom, screaming and laughing: Why didn’t you eat my placenta?! You should’ve eaten my placenta! You needed to eat my placenta!
Mom, calm as can be: I’m not African. And besides, you have enough people eating your placenta.
–Parking Lot, NYU College
Overheard by: Lesbian’s Wifey
Dispatcher’s voice on walkie talkie: Four black males seen in the subway station, dressed as women. Repeat, four black males dressed as women.
Cop, into walkie talkie: Ten-four to central… Is that breaking a law?
–77th St Subway Station
Overheard by: AJ
