Gripes

Maybe She's Born with It? Maybe It's Wednesday One-Liner.

Guy preaching on subway: I noticed I would always get hit on by beautiful women when I was with a woman, so I started hanging out with lesbians, and now we pick up women together.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Alexis

Panhandler going through train: God bless you, will anyone spare some money? God bless you, damm! You have a pretty white girlfriend.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Jackie

Woman giving out free loot: You girls are so pretty, want some condoms?

–Grand Central Station

Hobo: Why do rich men get to marry all the pretty girls, kill them, and get away with it?

–125th St

Trashed girl, coming out of bathroom: I hate when guys say, "you're pretty enough."

–Bar 9, 54th & 9th

Overheard by: Ladle

Big slobby schlub, loudly talking to buddy: So, she was about to become another disposable pretty girl.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Rambling crazy man: All of you women look beautiful, but in the end, y'all still have to take a shit!

–L Train

Overheard by: The City Planner

Later He Affixed Some Rubber to Dampen His Impact on Her

20 something man, jumping up as seat collapses under him: You see?! That happens to me every time I stand up from sitting on them, too. I sit down KNOWING it’s going to happen, but it always gets me.
20 something girlfriend: I know, I do the same thing.
20 something man: I mean, how hard would it be to affix some rubber or something so that it dampens the impact?
20 something girl: …and doesn’t scare everyone on the train.
20 something man: Yeah.
[Someone stands up from sitting on one at other end of train causing everyone to jump and look over.]20 something girl: See, I’m sayin!
20 something man: Actually, I think I kinda like it. It’s sort of organic, keeps you on your toes. You never know what the MTA will throw at you…

–2 Train

Overheard by: Ohiowatha

“–this is where I get off.”

Woman: Crowded in here, huh?
Guy: Ha, we’ll be engaged by the 8th floor.
Woman: Ha.
Guy: Ready to have kids?
Woman: Ha.
Guy: I was about to say something obscene, but–
Woman: Say it.

–Silver Center elevator, Washington Square East

Overheard by: adam

That's Where Sand Sculptures Come from

Trendy Dominican teen girl #1: Like, I just don't understand people who have this like, fetish about the beach. Like they looove the beach so much. I like, don't even like to go there. It's like weird, and you…
Trendy Dominican teen girl #2, finishing her sentence: …get lots of sand in your twat, yo!

–1 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Ignore the Bloody Hand

Little old lady to little old hubby: Fuck you, Dick, I am not crossing against the light! I can’t do it. Fuck you!

–Houston & LaGuardia

Overheard by: Almost peed on myself from laughing

Little tourist to mom: We are jaywalking, yay!

–Outside Sak’s

Overheard by: also jaywalking

Guy on cell: … So it’s fucked up, nights in the city. Everyone jaywalks, and they all wear black… Shit, good point! Blacks! … Yeah, you get a black guy wearing black, jaywalking — that’s a perfect storm of trouble! … I dunno, but I bet it has something to do with why insurance is so high…

–Broadway & Bleecker

Two guys cross street on ‘Don’t walk’ signal as car is coming.

Traffic cop: Hit ’em! Hit ’em!

–35th & 5th

Overheard by: mike

Loud grandma tourist blocking crosswalk: What’s the matter with these people?! Why are they crossing the street? Can’t they see the ‘No crossing’ sign? Where do they think they’re going?

–Times Square

Tourist woman to crowd of pedestrians: No, don’t cross! Here comes the big red hand!

–51st & 5th

Overheard by: Micaela

That One Guest Seems to Live in the Mirror

Suit #1: So where are you going on vacation?
Suit #2: St. Bart’s.
Suit #1: Are you staying in a house or at a hotel?
Suit #2: A house. God, I hate hotels. Inevitably there will be one guest that irritates me; I’ll see him around at lunch or something. Then I’ll obsess about it, all vacation long.
Suit #1: Yeah.

–Landmark Gourmet, Pearl Street

Overheard by: freshie

Why Classes Rarely Start on Time at FIT

Art teacher: Now you are true students of FIT! Nobody listens to directions!

–FIT

Great, Now Stop Flinging Poo

Girl: Shut the fuck up, Josh!
Boy: You told me to be a fuckin’ quiet monkey, and I’m being a fuckin’ quiet monkey, and you tell me to shut the fuck up? I am a fucking quiet monkey!

–16th & 1st

Overheard by: Caroline

Might Be Better to Be Fat, Ugly, and Deluded

Asian girl: I was going down the stairs just now, and this girl was getting seriously upset over how horrible she looks today. Then the boy she was with went all, ‘Oh my god, stop it!’ and asked me, ‘Doesn’t she look good today?’
White girl: And then?
Asian girl: I told him she looks lovely, and came here.
White girl: Oh.
Asian girl: But goddammit, I wanted to slap her upside the face! I mean, don’t go around crying over how ugly you look when you’re obviously skinny and gorgeous — that just makes you a bitch!
White girl: Mmm-hm. Seriously.

–Bronx Science

Insane NYC Scenes

A man throws a paper coffee cup on the ground, walks a few steps, then shouts: Clean that shit up!

–45th & 6th

A bag lady approaches a stranger and says: You gotta stop lyin’ to people.

–110th & Broadway

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