Guys

Wednesday One-Liners Are My Anti-Drug

Hot black girl: Where did summer go? Now we're all back to wearing glasses and snorting Adderall… or taking it with water.

–24th St & 3rd Ave

Guy to friend: If I just gave up speed I'd totally be getting more ass.

–Bleecker & LaGuardia

Overheard by: Jack

Guy to another: Yeah, so you take a gram of coke, then mix it with a ground-up Xanax, then mash up an E. Then you put it all into pill form, and down it with a Sparks!

–N Train

Architecture professor: Everything in moderation… except for heroin. Heroin, you go for the gusto.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Denali

Okay, Now You Can Go

Fat guy: Just because you have a bus pass doesn’t mean you can go to the liquor store while I wait.
Small Asian girlfriend: Here, have a devil dog.

–Grand & Greene Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: megan m

Ad: At Night She Rises from the Dead… to Masturbate the Living!

Dude #1: Would you let Clooney give you a handjob?
Dude #2: Hmmnn. George or Rosemary?

–Broadway & Houston

Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary

Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."

–Central Park

Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!

–Duane Reade, Flushing

Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!

–6 Train

Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!

–84th St & Amsterdam

A Tradition I Continue to Honor

Girl: Did you know that my ancestors invented the thing that links subway cars together?
Guy: Did you know that my ancestors got drunk in the subway cars?

–MTA Transit Museum

… I Guess I’ll Be Gay This Year

Dude #1: What? You want me to take my clothes off?
Dude #2: No, I– [Dude #1 begins to disrobe.] Never mind.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: Not really, no.

Wednesday One-Liners? Please Hold.

Guy on cell: I'm gonna come over and give you a big hug before doomsday.

–Outside NYU Dorm

Guy holding up drunk friend: I have to hug the fat kid?! Why don't you try hugging a fat kid?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: Laura

Hobo to startled girl: If you give me a dollar I won't hug you.

–7 Train

Small boy, loudly, after some take-off turbulence: The plane is going down… Everybody hug!

–Runway Strip, JFK

Overheard by: PSUny

As Kind of a “Welcome to the Neighborhood”

Hispanic guy to tall guy passing by: Pssst!
(tall guy turns head without stopping)
Tall guy: No, thanks. (keeps walking and Hispanic guy starts following him)
Hispanic guy: Psssssst!
(tall guy stops at door, opens it)
Hispanic guy: Oh, you live here. I live over there. Why don't you let me suck your dick?

–35th & 9th

Overheard by: Brad

Maybe We Should Make Law Enforcement Illegal, To Bring Prices Up

Blind date boy: So how long was your ex on the job?
Blind date girl: Well, he’s been a cop for three years, but he still lives with his parents because of how little cops get paid.
Blind date boy: Cops get paid shit in the beginning.
Blind date girl: Well, he was making a lot more before, you know…
Blind date boy: Oh yeah, being a drug dealer.

–Austin St & 72nd Ave, Queens

As Compared to Girls, All Guys Are Easy

Young hot guy #1: I want you to know you really were considerate when you fucked me. I mean, I'm not easy.
Young hot guy #2: I try to help out.

–Union Square

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