Tween boy #1: Did you see her monkey?
Tween boy #2: She has a monkey?
Tween boy #1: The monkey in her pants, tard.
Tween boy #2: She has a monkey in her pants?
Tween boy #1: You need to watch more porn.
Tween boy #2: Porn with monkeys? My brother is right, I'm not ready for any of this.
–D Train
Overheard by: BobK
Gay guy #1: So how was the party last night?
Gay guy #2: Oh, it wasn't too bad, but there were a bit too many tacos and not enough sausages, if you know what I mean.
–Fordham University
Guy at bar: I’m sorry if I’m being an asshole.
Gay bartender: Oh, don’t worry -I deal with assholes all the time.
–Montien, 12th & 3rd
Hipster passing large, bald man blocking doorway: Excuse me.
Large, bald man: What are you in a hurry for?
(hipster points to condoms and goes to the counter to pay for them)
Large, bald man: You’re totally on a condom run!
(hipster smiles and glances back to the man)
Large, bald man: Did you pull out of that shit?
Hipster: Nope, just having marathon sex.
Large, bald man: I’d high-five you, but I know where those hands have been.
(hipster leaves, laughing)
–Deli, 7th Ave & Christopher St
Overheard by: a
White queer to friend: So I was sitting there at the restaurant with my parents and looked to my left, and who was there? LL Cool J! Ooooh, girl, he is fine. I was all: "Hey, LL, you can park your big Underground Railroad right in my behind!"
–UES
Hipster: You can’t really enjoy Evel Knievel in the traditional sense.
–St. Mark’s Place
Nine-year old boy to another: Ooh, Indiana Jones! Look, Shia LaBeouf! I used to go out with him.
–St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: learned something new about Shia LeBeouf
Proud teen: I had my picture taken with Dennis Rodman’s sister.
–Houston & West Broadway
Worried hipster: And I think Judge Judy would just say that I don’t have a leg to stand on.
–W 19th St
Bus driver: I know what it’s like to miss a flight. You have to ride a Greyhound bus and sit next to a fat guy who eats Cheez-Its and talks about Scott Baio way too much.
–NYAS Shuttle, JFK
Overheard by: innocent bus rider
Exterminator, running late: Hey, sorry, but I was doin’ this guy in the Village -I was foggin’ him and bombin’ him, the whole nine yards…
Client, snickering: Wish we could get that kind of service here.
Exterminator, oblivious: Well see, he pays extra…
–106th St & Broadway
Global teacher, about review packet: You must look at my package in order to see what’s there!
–History Class, Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
Woman in business suit on cell: Yeah, work is crazy right now because I have a big release coming out next week. (pauses) That’s what he said.
–26th & Park
Overheard by: absnola
Lady in the audience: Which one is Patti LuPone?
–St. James Theater
Dorky older guy to female bank teller (smiling): I’ve got a really big deposit for you.
(teller looks down and starts laughing)
–Chase Bank, 24th & 7th
Overheard by: Joe
Timid Asian deli boy to deli owner: Excuse me, I don’t know how to do number two.
–Deli, Union Square
Black waiter to Asian female customer: Enjoy your black balls.
–Ninja, Hudson St
Man #1: She bitched at me this morning because we haven’t had sex in over a week.
Man #2: They don’t understand that we can’t turn it on anytime they want it.
Man #1: Face it. We have to get gassed up, start the ignition and drive. All they have to do is open the garage door.
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: John Strybos
Woman: So, how is your relationship?
Man: Well, my relationship is kind of like cigarettes for you. It’s not so good for you but you kind of need something to put in your mouth.
–Caravan of Dreams, 6th St b/w 1st Ave & Ave A
Overheard by: Stoop
Asian guy to girlfriend: That’s the best part about being in a relationship.
White girlfriend: Sandwiches?
Asian guy: Always having an extra pair of hands.
–49th St Station
Overheard by: missalicious
