My Wife Was Murdered…Tomorrow at 10PM

Guy #1: You’ll figure it out when you move here…it’s like, I opened my first electic bill and said, “Wow, I really live in New York now!”
Guy #2: Right, it’s like when you’re killing someone with an axe, and you’re just hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and some blood splashes on your face and you’re like, “Oh yeah, I’m murdering someone!”

–E train

Overheard by: Kid W

Woman: Well, you know what I think? I think that the girlfriend has to die.

–Hudson Street elevator

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Guy on cell: Yeah, the dude got shot in the face. Isn’t that awesome?

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: toon

Posted on May 30, 2025
Death, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Only in New York, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People

Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode.

–The Gate, Park Slope

A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese?

–Broadway & 80th

Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, “Arr, you’re a pirate?” and her mom was like, “Actually, she had her eye put out.”

–27th street office

JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for “tall, dark and handsome” and all I ever end up with is “short, hairy, Jewish”. I guess I should just accept my fate.

–Starbucks, 48th & 3rd

Black guy: I ain’t Jewish, so I don’t be doin’ no Yom Kippur.

–D train

Overheard by: Nash Astor

Posted on May 27, 2025
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Food, Hobos, Holidays, Insults, JAPs, Jews, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Park Slope, Pickiness, Players, Starbucks, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Eat, Drink, Wednesday One-liners

British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese.

–27th Street office

Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I’ll pull out your weave.

–Washington Heights

Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau

Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again.

–82nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: JY

Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald’s. It’s all middle class people here.

–McDonald’s, 47th Street

Overheard by: Christa Bramberger

As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: tee sul

Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York.

–Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street

Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Cynthia

Posted on May 8, 2025
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Bartenders, Brooklyn, Drinking & Drunk People, Favorites, Food, Foreigners, Glad the Condom Broke, Hair, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Manhattan, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Music, On Cell, Only in New York, Penn Station, People, Places, Pop Culture, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Venues, Washington Heights and Inwood, Williamsburg, Women, Yuppies

Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I wipe asses just like you do…only metaphorically.

–William Street & Maiden Lane

Overheard by: shawn mac

Rich lady: When I die, scatter my ashes over Bloomingdale’s.

–Neue Gallerie, 86th & 5th

Overheard by: Emily

Peddler: That piece down there was made from an Apple computer box. Forget the painting; I mean, just the box is gorgeous. I have a bit of a cardboard box fetish.

–Spring & Broadway

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Woman on cell: So he was like, “Why are we taking a cab? It’s only 4 or 5 blocks. I know you like exercise. You go to the gym every day.” And I was like, “I only exercise the way God intended…on a treadmill.” I mean, whatever! Right?

–54th & Park

Overheard by: kittikat

Posted on May 6, 2025
All Wednesday One-Liners, Arts & Letters, Ass, Computer, Death, Fitness, God, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Museums, On Cell, Retail Therapy, Rich people, Shopping, Soho, Travel, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Unlike Said Slaves

Girl on cell: I’ll get a celebrity to pay for my trip. Yah, like Oprah. You know, like on TV Oprah? I’m going to stop slavery. There are 7 million slaves in the world and I’m going to stop all of it…If I want to stop slavery, then I will! I can do anything I want to do!

–W train

Overheard by: SS

Posted on April 27, 2025
About Celebrities, On Cell, On the Subway, Philosophy

“Yes, that’s how the zombie identified itself.”

Girl on cell: Wait, you mean John? Like, John John?

–Astor Place

Posted on April 23, 2025
Girls, Names, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Stupidity, The Village

C’mon Gawker Stalker, Get in Gear!

Wannabe model on cell: … and I was on the dance floor, and Gisele was dancing next to me…No, Leo wasn’t there but I was totally dancing next to Gisele and you know what? She like totally can’t dance! I mean, I totally looked hotter than her on the dance floor! I mean, I think she was like on drugs or something! I just couldn’t believe that Gisele can’t dance!

–48th & 6th

Posted on April 16, 2025
Dancing, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell

Maybe You Need to Lose 40 Pounds

Chick on cell: …It was the worst. First of all, he have a big dick. And to make things worse, he did not know how to fuck…I mean, come on, what the hell is that all about?…Uh huh, yeah, you are probably right…and another thing he couldn’t fit…I guess my pussy was too small or something…yeah, uh huh, I don’t think so. It’s not worth the trouble. Would you go back?…Exactly.

–Time Square

Overheard by: Jada

Posted on March 21, 2025
On Cell, Penis, Sex, Times Square, Vagina

Build a Relationship with Wednesday One-liners

Woman: Every time I date Greek men I get fat…Every single time!

–South Cove, Battery Park City

Guy on cell: I know man, sometimes I wish you were her husband instead of me.

–Starbucks, Union Square West

Overheard by: alison

Chick on cell: …so I said, “Stop calling me. It was a one night stand.”

–F train

Black queer: So who is this guy, anyway? Has anybody even met this guy you say you’re dating? Or is he like that “Bob” guy you put in your car so you can drive in the H.O.V. lane?

–Times Square

Guy: She has…two one-eyed cats. She’s never getting engaged.

–Madison Square Park