The Sum Of All Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: And when my brother got near him, his poop came out. That's how scared he was.

–107th & Broadway

Woman on cell: So yeah, they are really scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark really loud, and that's totally worse than them biting you.

–Majestic Theater

Girl on cell: I went in for genetic counseling and I found out things that scared me.

–10th Ave & 39th St

Overheard by: Todd Fletcher

Girl on cell: No, you can't go! I'm too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.

–Supermarket, Astoria

Conductor: Never fear! The phantom of the train is here!

–7 Train

Overheard by: Alex

Posted on June 14, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Conductors, Family Ties, Fears, Girls, Grocery Stores, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Man's Best Friend, Medicine, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Poop, Public Transportation, Theater, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women

I Wouldn’t Be Surprised If Scientists Have Found a Way

Little boy: So, you’re telling me boy cows don’t have udders?
Father: Nope, they don’t.
Little boy: Then how do you get milk from a boy cow?
Father: Well…

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: jackster

Posted on June 11, 2021
Kids, On the Subway, Questions

She Doesn’t See Sexual Assault as a Celebration, Like We Do

Drunk, creepy guy #1: She’s always telling us about our flaws, and why she won’t get with us, but she won’t listen to us tell her about her flaws!
Drunk, creepy guy #2, burning his hand with a lighter: Yeah, she probably acts the way she does because she was raped, but she’s like “I don’t want to talk about it!”

–1 train

Posted on June 11, 2021
Default, Drunks, Gripes, Guys, On the Subway, Rape, Weirdness

Great –Now I Have to Throw Up

Little girl: I’m going to throw up.
Mother: You can throw up when we get off the train.
Little girl: [pauses] I love you, mommy.

–N Train

Overheard by: Rachel

Posted on June 10, 2021
Default, Girls, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Vomit, Weirdness

The Von Trapp Children Are Just Annoying in Real Life

Loud girl: She's leaving the train!
Loud friends #1, #2, #3 and #4: Yay!
Loud friend #1: She's leaving the train!
Loud friend #2: She is! Yay!
Girl getting off train: I love you guys! I'm leaving!
All: Bye!
(train leaves platform)
All: She's off the train! Yeah, she got off the train!
(they all start singing very loudly)

–1 Train

Posted on June 7, 2021
Friends, Girls, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Weirdness

Lindsay Reps Her Own Urine These Days

Hobo putting hand on Justin Timberlake look-alike’s shoulder: Oh, shit! It’s Justin Timberlake, everybody!
Look-alike: Uh, what?
Tourist teenybopper: Can I have your autograph, please?
Look-alike: I’m not Justin Timberlake.
Tourist teenybopper: But you are.
Hobo, to look-alike: Dude, you work with me here, okay? We’ll do business. [To train] Ten bucks for Justin Timberlake’s autograph, everyone! For 20 bucks he’ll dance for you.
Tourist teenybopper: I have five dollars…
Hobo: We’re in business!
Look-alike: I’m going to kill you.
Hobo, to look-alike: Damn, this is the best plan I’ve ever come up with! Except for the time I tried to sell Lindsay Lohan’s piss for 20 bucks. Well, it was actually my own piss. I think God put me on this Earth to fuck with people.

–4 train

Posted on June 4, 2021
Hobos, Jobs & Careers, On the Subway

I’m Really Sick of Him Filling Me Up with His Love

Jesus freak: Before you make love to your wife, you must make love to God.
Blonde: Ewww!

–2 train

Overheard by: invid

Posted on June 4, 2021
God, God Squad, On the Subway, Sex

He Was Merely Trying to Help Them Through the Fence

College girl: So you’re a real farmer! What do you have? Cows, pigs, sheep…?
Long-haired guy in overalls: No, no — had to get rid of the sheep. They were all liars.

–D train

Overheard by: Murray

Posted on June 1, 2021
Animals & Nature, Girls, Liars, Lies, On the Subway, Paranoia, Questions, Students, Wishes & desires, Yeaaahhh College!

Wednesday One-Liners Are One Baaaad Mother– Shut Yo' Mouth!

Cute JAP talking about all the stuff she gets: I don't need a man, I have my mom.

–Rare View Bar

Overheard by: white guy

Blonde girl to male friend: Listen, John. Fifteen minutes, your mom. Fifteen minutes, your mom.

–R Train

Annoying 40-something new mom: A good mom always has a diaper in her pocket!

–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Coworker: I got a bootleg mother.

–Midtown

Window-shopping tourist to wife: Look, honey! It's the dress your mother wore when they buried her!

–Union Square

Overheard by: CJ

Guy: I go over to the house for Mother's Day and she yells at me for not calling her for Mother's Day like my brother did. So I go outside and call her from my cell and say "happy Mother's Day!" and she yells at me for being an idiot.

–37th & 7th

Posted on May 31, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Bars & Clubs, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Coworkers, Death, Girls, Guys, Insults, JAPs, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, Parents, Store, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

I Don’t Know Where to Begin Fixing This Sentence…

Queer: New York is a gay-Jewish city; of course everybody complains!

–6 train

Overheard by: Secondhand Nose

Posted on May 24, 2021
Gays and Lesbians, On the Subway, Queer guys, Race

On the Subway