Parents

Wednesday One-Liner: Is It in You?

Girl on phone: Oh my god, mom! Aren't you so excited about these new reforms? I am so excited about these new reforms! Almost as excited as I am about my new water bottle!

–Barnard College Campus

Black guy to two other guys: And then he disrespected me… So I threw a bottle of Snapple at his head.

–Central Park

Guy selling water in the street: Ice cold water! Ice cold water! One dollar. Only a dollar. It's only a dollar, assholes!

–Harlem

Guy speaking to someone else: Juice! It's moose, with a j, holla!

–Highline Ballroom

Overheard by: Pasha

Has “Fruit” Been Reclaimed Yet?

Dad: So what did you learn in school today?
Son: Ummm…a tomato is a fruit.
Dad: What? A tomato is a fruit?
Son: Yeah, cause it has seeds.
Dad: You’re telling me a tomato is a fruit? Is a pumpkin a fruit?
Son: Yeah, they have seeds.
Dad: What about a cucumber, is that a fruit?
Son: No.
Dad: What about a squash? A zucchini? You know what I think? I think you’re the fruit!
Son: No, I don’t have seeds.
Dad: …I’m not going there.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Rehey

Must Be a Booty Call

Drunk girl #1: God, I have to take a piss. I hope this chick hurries up.

Phone rings.

Drunk girl #2: Is that your phone? I love that ring. Who is it?
Drunk girl #1: It’s Richard. Who the fuck is Richard?
Drunk girl #2: Well, answer it and find out.
Drunk girl #1: I’m not answering if I don’t know who the fuck it is.

They stare at each other and think real hard.

Drunk Girl #1: OOHHH! Richard’s my dad.

–Milady’s, Soho

Overheard by: rhyno

If You Include Mother Nature

Mom to little kid: Joey has two moms.
Kid: I'm pretty sure he has three.

–116th St & Amsterdam Ave

Wednesday One-liners for the Holidays

Guy: If I ever beat my kids during Christmas, this is the song I’d play.

–Ulysses, Pearl Street

Overheard by: Dennis Sugrue

Unfortunately, They’re Attending A NAMBLA Meeting

Dad: How old are you?
Teen boy: Thirteen.
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: You know he’s thirteen.
Dad: It says here [gestures to brochure] that if you’re eleven or younger, you get in free… How old are you?
Teen boy: Oh. Eleven.

–Roxy Deli

Overheard by: Kelsey

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Nouveau Riche

Female shopper to Bloomingdale's cologne sprayer: Don't you dare spray your $30 over my $150.

–Perfume Aisle, Bloomingdale's

Old lady on cell: I mean, it's just five million…

–Madison & 77th St

Very rich mom to new nanny, about baby in stroller: Okay, well, she loves sushi, and…

–Upper East Side

Rich teen: I asked my mom to go to Louis Vuitton with me this weekend and she was like, "we're in a recession, let's go to Dolce."

–42nd St

Overheard by: I want a m6

Label-whore eating grapes and cheese, to friend: Oh my god, I feel so rich when I eat this stuff… Oh, wait, I am.

–Paul's Cafe

Kyle Gets Payback for Mom's Gaydar Remark

Five-year-old boy: I have nipples! Look! I have nipples!
Mother: Yes, you do.
Five-year-old boy: I have breasts!
Mother: No, boys don't have breasts.
Five-year-old boy: Neither do you!

–Old Navy, Chelsea

Failing That, the Coke Machine Gets Custody

Teen girl #1: Listen, if you put a dollar in a Coke machine, the thing that comes out is your Coke, right?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, but–
Teen girl #1: –I’m just saying, the father should get the baby.

–9th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Nicole

That’s My Girl!

Father with screaming two-year-old on shoulders: What’s wrong with Elena?
Mother: She’s foaming at the mouth. She’s rabid.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: Sarah

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