Maury Povich Says You’re the Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on phone: His dad’s, like, crazy, and he lives in a house all by himself, and the saddest thing is… the saddest thing is this guy’s dad is even uglier than our dad!

–Waverly Place b/w Mercer & Greene

Woman: Don’t even think about humping your father’s feet!

–President & Columbia

[Before the start of the NYC pillow fight.]Pillow-fighter: I’m gonna beat you all down like you were my daddy! [Hits people with his pillow.] Why weren’t you there, dad, why!?

–Union Square

Guy on cell: Hey dude, my flight has been delayed like an hour, yeah it does suck… [Pause.] Dude, from this point on I’m calling you "daddy". No: "big daddy". Yeah, hey big daddy…

–US Airways Terminal, Laguardia Airport

Little girl pointing at a grizzly bear: Daddy! Daddy!

–Museum of Natural History

Posted on June 9, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Girls, Guys, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Museum of Natural History, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, Parents, Physical appearance, The Village, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Violence, Weirdness, Women

…And These Herpes Magically Disappear?

Way too blonde girl: Do you want to stay at my house tonight?
Dude: Absolutely not.
Way too blonde girl: What if my parents aren't home?

–Restsurant, University Place & 11th St

Overheard by: CourtSnort

Posted on June 8, 2015
Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Offers and requests, Parents, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Wishes & desires

That’s an Order

20-something woman: You’re going to worship my mother when you meet her.
Man: I will?
Woman: Yes. Because I do.

— Pizzeria, Boerum Hill

Posted on June 7, 2015
Brooklyn, Family Ties, Men, Moms, Parents, People, Places, Restaurants & Cafes, Topics, Venues, Women

Is There Any Possible Way I Can Blame New York?

Tourist mom: The last thing I wanted was to be drunk in front of my children.
Son: Too late.

–Embassy Suites, near WTC

Overheard by: Shanaca

Posted on June 7, 2015
Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Hotels, Kids, Moms, Parents, Tourists, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Nothing When You Have a Sony Contract

Six-year-old boy: The talent show is tomorrow.
Mother: Oh, are you doing anything?
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, 50 Cent.
Mother: Honey, that’s a little inappropriate.
Six-year-old boy: What does inappropriate mean?

–2 train

Overheard by: Ana Orellano

Posted on June 6, 2015
Music, On the Subway, Parents, Pop Culture, Should've Used a Condom

Wednesday One-Liner: Is It in You?

Girl on phone: Oh my god, mom! Aren't you so excited about these new reforms? I am so excited about these new reforms! Almost as excited as I am about my new water bottle!

–Barnard College Campus

Black guy to two other guys: And then he disrespected me… So I threw a bottle of Snapple at his head.

–Central Park

Guy selling water in the street: Ice cold water! Ice cold water! One dollar. Only a dollar. It's only a dollar, assholes!

–Harlem

Guy speaking to someone else: Juice! It's moose, with a j, holla!

–Highline Ballroom

Overheard by: Pasha

Posted on June 6, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Black People, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Drinks, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Moms, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Questions, Vendors & Street Performers, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Words

Has “Fruit” Been Reclaimed Yet?

Dad: So what did you learn in school today?
Son: Ummm…a tomato is a fruit.
Dad: What? A tomato is a fruit?
Son: Yeah, cause it has seeds.
Dad: You’re telling me a tomato is a fruit? Is a pumpkin a fruit?
Son: Yeah, they have seeds.
Dad: What about a cucumber, is that a fruit?
Son: No.
Dad: What about a squash? A zucchini? You know what I think? I think you’re the fruit!
Son: No, I don’t have seeds.
Dad: …I’m not going there.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Rehey

Posted on June 3, 2015
Dads, Education, Food, Grand Central, Innuendo, Insults, Kids, Manhattan, Parents, People, Places, School and studying, Sex, Topics, Train Station, Venues

Must Be a Booty Call

Drunk girl #1: God, I have to take a piss. I hope this chick hurries up.

Phone rings.

Drunk girl #2: Is that your phone? I love that ring. Who is it?
Drunk girl #1: It’s Richard. Who the fuck is Richard?
Drunk girl #2: Well, answer it and find out.
Drunk girl #1: I’m not answering if I don’t know who the fuck it is.

They stare at each other and think real hard.

Drunk Girl #1: OOHHH! Richard’s my dad.

–Milady’s, Soho

Overheard by: rhyno