Public Transportation

Wednesday One-Liners Start a Love Train

Student: I just always assumed everyone’s love of integrals.

–John Jay Hall, Columbia

Dude: I had her up against the wall and was all like, ‘Jimmy cracked corn,’ and shit. She was lovin’ it.

–A train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Ilyse

Man: I did scream, ‘I love you Lindsay Lohan!’ when I saw her at the costume thing, but that’s just ’cause everyone else was.

–20th & 5th

Man on cell: No, not that Jim. The Jim who loves acid and foie gras.

–Metropolitan & Union, Brooklyn

Overheard by: liza

Conductor: I know you’ve heard of the love boat. Well, this is the love train.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Mark Schilsky

Guy to girlfriend at table of friends: You just love my average-sized cock!

–3rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Chuckles

Okay, Now You Can Go

Fat guy: Just because you have a bus pass doesn’t mean you can go to the liquor store while I wait.
Small Asian girlfriend: Here, have a devil dog.

–Grand & Greene Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: megan m

I Aspire to Be the Rose That Grows There

(#106 bus arrives)
Black woman to white woman: You know if this bus is going to East Harlem?
White woman: Yes, I know.
Black woman: Oh, okay. I was just making sure you knew where you were going.

–96th St & Amsterdam

A Tradition I Continue to Honor

Girl: Did you know that my ancestors invented the thing that links subway cars together?
Guy: Did you know that my ancestors got drunk in the subway cars?

–MTA Transit Museum

It Kind of Just Slows Down, and You Need to Jump

Confused man: Does this train stop at 48th St?
Four random people, in unison: No!
Train conductor on loudspeaker: The next stop is 48th Street.
(confused man looks even more confused)

–Downtown V Train

Overheard by: jonescicles

Wednesday One-Liners? Please Hold.

Guy on cell: I'm gonna come over and give you a big hug before doomsday.

–Outside NYU Dorm

Guy holding up drunk friend: I have to hug the fat kid?! Why don't you try hugging a fat kid?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: Laura

Hobo to startled girl: If you give me a dollar I won't hug you.

–7 Train

Small boy, loudly, after some take-off turbulence: The plane is going down… Everybody hug!

–Runway Strip, JFK

Overheard by: PSUny

Not the Worst Place to End Up, Actually

Daughter: Dad, where are we getting off?
Father: Um…42nd Street…Times Square…Grand Central Parkway…something like that.
Daughter: 142nd street?
Father: Yeah, something like that.
(doors open for Penn Station)
Mother: I think we should get off here.
Father and daughter: Yeah.

–Uptown 2 Train

Wednesday One-Liners for the Fine Young Cannibals

Hipster: Everyone I know is either married, divorced, gay or crazy.

–37th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Matthias Sundberg

Karaoke panhandler singing Gnarls Barkley: "Does that make me craaaaazy? Maybe I'm craaaaaazy!" It's Memorial Day and I'm sitting here singing to people I never met before in my life. Mmmmmm…craaaazy!

–Times Square Subway Station

Black woman to janitor companion: I am so glad I live in the ghetto. These motherfuckers down here are crazy! (companion nods) And I live in the ghe-tto, 2 train ghetto.

–22nd St & 5th Ave

Hobo, watching man and woman having sex against a statue: I think I'm going to have to move to Europe or something. This place is getting too crazy.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Westsider

30-something guy on cell: Well, that's what my crazy sister said about my more crazy sister.

–Broadway & 114th St

Overheard by: mary e.

Little boy in abandoned shopping cart: I've gotta get off this crazy train!

–Target, Atlantic Ave

Dad’s Mistake Was Watching Speed with Him

Little boy sitting on dad’s shoulders and crying: But I make good decisions! I want to take a taxi! I don’t want to take the bus! I make good decisions. Why doesn’t anybody listen to meee?!
Dad: Honey, because you’re three.
Little boy, sobbing and hailing a cab: Taxi!

–Uptown M15 bus stop

As Close As Two New Yorkers Can Get, I Suppose

Girl #1: So you know how New York buses have two doors, a front and a back? Well, I was running to catch the bus this morning and I got up to the back door and the bus drove away.
Girl #2: Harsh.
Girl #1: I couldn't believe it. And it was the same driver I ride with every morning. I thought we were close.
Girl #2: Apparently not.

–Broadway & 44th

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