Wednesday One-Liners Swore They’d Never Become Like Their Parents

Dad to young daughter: If you want to hit daddy, you’ll have to take a number.

–Outside Court St. Bagels, Court & Bergen, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Exhausted dad to loud, hyperactive, young son: Yes, everyone knows you’re here. Terminal six food court line.

–JFK

Overheard by: Jen

Mother, to seven-year-old son as she enters a liquor store: Jesus, what’s wrong with you? This is why nobody likes you -you’re annoying!

–Outside Liquor Store, W 57th St

Overheard by: PetRunner

Father quizzically looking at waddling toddler: How can you be anti-park? I mean, you’re a kid! You can run around!

–Fort Greene Park

Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy

Sassy inner-city mom to dawdling daughter: Get ovah here or I’m going to have to take out my imaginary belt.

–Tompkins Square Park

Mother, to five-year-old daughter picking up cookies: Is that what you eat at daddy’s house?

–The Food Emporium, 88th St

Overheard by: charlotte

Mother speaking sternly to her infant in the baby carriage: Capiche???

–53rd & 9th

Overheard by: AH Hell’s Kitchen

Posted on April 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Dads, Food, Grocery Stores, Insults, JFK Airport, Kids, Leisure, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Parks, Public Transportation, Punch, Questions, Store, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires, Words

We’re Just Thankful It Wasn’t Another Auschwitz Joke

Douchebag trying to get on an over-crowded train: Move in!
Annoyed lady: There’s no more room!
Glib red-headed chick: It’s a subway, not a clown car!

–4 Train

Posted on April 21, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Guys, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Women

We Didn’t Have to Show Our Passports or Anything?

Daughter, looking at “NJ Transit” sign: Why does it say we’re in New Jersey?!
Mother: Aren’t we?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jay

Posted on April 18, 2008
Default, Girls, Moms, NYC Geography, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, U.S. Geography

If Everybody’s Wearing Pants and Nobody Takes Your Wallet, It’s a Successful Commute

Crazy hobo, dancing and singing as he walks down the aisle: Yeah, yeah, yeahhhhhh… Yeahhh yeahhh yeahhh. And now for my grand finale! [pulls emergency break and exits car.]Angry woman: Oh, hell no. He did not just do that. I knew he was gonna to do that shit.
Friend: Why didn’t you trip him or somethin’?
Angry woman: Are you fuckin’ kidding me? And get beat up by a crazy? Did ya’ll see that?!
Young woman: Fuck my life.

–D Train

Overheard by: KK

Posted on April 17, 2008
Crazies, Crazy, Friends, Hobos, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Punch, Questions, Women

Edwar Ramirez Threw a Puck Right Past Henrik Lundqvist

Businessman #1: Have you ever rode on the subway before?
Businessman #2: Yeah, last time I was here, we took it to a Yankee game. I think they were playing that other New York team, the Rangers.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Stef

Posted on April 14, 2008
Default, Names, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Sports, Stupidity, Suits

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Drive the Bus Below 50 MPH

Tourist: This is New York. Nothing happens fast here.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Get out of my way – I’m in a hurry

Empowered shopper: I have a cart. I can go as slow as I want.

–Chelsea Whole Foods

Overheard by: and she did

Girl to friend, after introducing her boyfriend: It’s not that he’s slow. He just hesitates before answering because he’s thinking of movie quotes and stuff.

–515 Bar, 34th Street & 3rd Ave

Mom of fast-walking baby: YO YO! Slow your roll.

–Grand St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alicia Van Couvering

Woman, while swiping metrocard: Gotta do it fast, just like a handjob.

–79th St Subway Station

Loud beeatch: Dammit, why you movin’ so slow? Don’t you know what city you’re in? Shit!

–42nd St & Madison

Overheard by: Jen

Conductor on PA: Attention, passengers. We have red signals ahead of us. Still working out the kinks. The good news is, once we get past Bergen, we’ll be back up to our normal speed. [pauses] which still isn’t too fast.

–F train

Overheard by: He ain’t kiddin’

Posted on April 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Biotechs, Brooklyn, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Girls, Hand-Jobs, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Relationships, Shopping, Subway conductors, Times Square, Tourists, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Women

Why Is It “Obvious” That He Was Wearing Pants?

Girl #1: I got completely wasted last night. I woke up outside my friend’s bathroom with my pants off, credit cards all over the floor. But here’s the thing -my top was on.
Girl #2: WTF?… What did you do?
Girl #1: I’m not sure…I don’t really remember. The last thing I remember is rubbing my face in some guy’s crotch with people in the room. Oh, he had his pants on, obviously.
Girl #2: You’re such a slut.
Girl #1: I know right. Anyway, my friend woke me up, telling me that I was going to miss the fung wah.
Girl #2, puzzled: Where were you going?
Girl #1: Boston.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: I’m really not sure.

–C Train

Overheard by: Noah Tizzle

Posted on April 8, 2008
Bimbettes, Celebrations/Parties, Clothing, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Nudity, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Sex, Travel, U.S. Geography

A Brother Who Finally Gets It

Black girl, to her brother while boarding plane: C’mon y’all, our seats are in the back of the plane, go to the back.
Brother: Yea, back a’ tha bus, back of the fucking bus.

–Boarding Plane, La Guardia Airport

Overheard by: BDOG

Posted on April 8, 2008
Airports, At the Airport, Black People, Brothers, Default, Offers and requests, Public Transportation, Sisters, Words

God Bless Wednesday One-Liners

Cop: There are no downtown express trains! I repeat, there are no downtown express trains. If you have a problem with that, take it up with the President of the United States!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Trixie

Suit on cell: The problem with Canada is that it’s not the U.S.

–129th St, Harlem

Overheard by: Koen

Black guy on cell: Yeah, what is Condoleezza Rice, anyway? I think she’s Puerto Rican or Dominican. She’s definitely not American.

–Barnes & Noble, W 66th St

Black guy to white friend eating lunch: Ah, yes, the American dream: doing nothing while eating a sandwich.

–Stuyvesant High

Hobo: Thirty-two-gallon garbage can — who wants this beautiful 32-gallon garbage can? Made right here in the US-of-A! Come on, people! It’s an American product at Mexican prices. Now, what’s my first bid?

–4th Ave & Atlantic

Overheard by: Mike N

Large black lady on cell: I know, right? Osama bin Laden is like the Uncle Sam of America!

–CVS Pharmacy

Posted on April 2, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Business and Commerce, Cops, Default, Food, Friends, Global Geography, Government, Harlem & Morningside Heights, History & Geography, Hobos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Politics, President, Public Transportation, Store, Street, Stuyvesant Town, Suits, Terrorism, Weirdness, Women

Public Transportation