Tween swimmer girl #1: I’m nervous. I think I look funny when I’m naked.
Tween swimmer girl #2: No offense, but everyone looks funny when they’re naked!
–Manhattan Plaza Health Club locker room, W. 43rd St.
Overheard by: Andrea
Tween swimmer girl #1: I’m nervous. I think I look funny when I’m naked.
Tween swimmer girl #2: No offense, but everyone looks funny when they’re naked!
–Manhattan Plaza Health Club locker room, W. 43rd St.
Overheard by: Andrea
Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can’t help it. He’s half black… what? He is.
–Queens
Blonde to other: Don't worry, within like an hour you'll have Jameson running through your system.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Girl on cell: I'm kind of hungover–I think that gin and tonic was a bad idea. I was already drunk, I don't know why I felt the need to have one… And then I went home and made scrambled eggs, and then I wrote a long email to Jen* about how good they were and then I read it this morning and I was like "I am such an idiot!"
–Broadway & Great Jones
Overheard by: Lillian
Sorority girl on cell: Well, I'm going to have some champagne, but it's not like I'm knocking back shots with the guys. (pause) Yeah, I know, I know, I'll be careful. (pause) Don't worry, mom, I've done worse drugs than drink before! (long pause) I don't want to talk about it. (long long pause) So…I'm going to go horseback riding!
–Broadway & 34th St, Astoria
Overheard by: Horsies Are Pretty
Bartender: Ladies and gentlemen! Don't run away from or by the bar! You have an hour to walk to your seats. Again, please do not run from the bar, run to it!
—Wicked, Broadway
Girl to friend: I only get tipsy enough to go into the Virgin Megastore…
–2nd Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: Jonathan
Man to friend, about AA: Y'know, if I could drink like normal people, I'd get drunk every night.
–Central Park
Overheard by: John Tidyman
Girl to friend: When I told you to seize the moment I didn't know you were drunk!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Rebecca
Chick: Was she a gymnast, or a feminist?
–Café, 113th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Anthropology professor: Everyone's a misogynist. Women attend seminars, "seminar" comes from the word "semen," which comes from the Latin for "a unit of knowledge." And this, my friends, is how women get smart.
–Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: thats how I got into NYU
Rambling man: Nobody's gonna be in charge anymore! (pause) Except the ladies.
–Rivington & Forsyth
20-something to friend: If I didn't do so many drugs, I could probably afford to go skiing and shit like that.
–Williamsburg
Art school student: If I can stop doing heroin, I can do anything!
–Outside School of Visual Arts
Tourist guy to tourist friends: Yeah, I remember when he went to school on shrooms, and then he went to the principal and told him that he was on shrooms.
–40th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Bones Jones
Father to daughter: Don't say "no" to drugs. Say "no, thank you."
–45th St & 5th Ave
Blonde Catholic schoolgirl: Maybe after we pop the E we'll roll over to 149th Street.
–Q88 Bus
Guy: No homo, but Derek Jeter has a pretty amazing ass. Probably the best ass in baseball.
Girl in front of him: Oh, it is not at all gay to appreciate Derek Jeter's ass. The New York Post once said it could stop traffic.
–Yankee Stadium
Girl: Is Beirut the same thing as Beer Pong?
Guy: What?
Girl: Beirut. Is it the same thing as Beer Pong?
Guy: Beer what?
Girl: Beer Pong.
Guy: Beer Pong?
Girl: Yeah. I feel like Beirut isn’t a real sport.
Guy: Oh, is Beirut a sport?
Girl: I don’t think so. I think it’s like Beer Pong.
Guy: Oh, I always thought it was a country.
–Columbia University
Pretty tourist #1: Do you think they'll ever have the Tour de France in New York?
Pretty tourist #2: No, you moron. (beat) There aren't enough hills.
–47th & 7th, Fashion District
Overheard by: Zac
Employee #1: Hey, look at this picture.
Employee #2: Yeah, she never would have made cheerleader if she had two legs.
Headline by: azione
Runners-Up:
· “Amputation is the New Anorexia” – Amanda
· “And they want to take away affirmative action?” – Holly G
· “But I’d Still TOTALLY Bang Her” – Jason
· “But her talent is obvious…” – fuel
· “Come on, Eileen” – Parker
· “Four legs good, two legs bad!” – Zomzom
· “From the McCartney – Mills Divorce Files” – Gimpy La Rue
· “How to lose those extra pounds to make the squad: amputation” – Sean McGurr
· “Kids will do anything to make the team” – Spin
· “Or a head.” – Jeremiah Lewis
· “Playing the amputee card” – Mandaliet
· “She’d still be a virgin now too” – Sarah
· “Title IX didn’t say they had to actually do the routines.” – CityGirl
· “Tryouts were tough for the Special Olympics cheer squad.” – John
· “We call her Tripod Betty” – Wendy
· “When Affirmative action goes too far” – Marv in DC
Woman: Who do you think would win a fight between Ann Coulter and Maureen Dowd?
Man: A fight?
Woman: Yeah, you know, a death match.
Man: I’m gonna go with Ann Coulter.
Woman: You think? They both wear long, spikey heels. They could put each other’s eyes out pretty fast.
Man: But Ann Coulter would be like, “Rock on, I’m in a death cage!” And Maureen Dowd would be like, “Wait, what am I doing in a death cage?”
–Alt.Coffee, Avenue A
