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Wednesday One-Liners Will Leave You Spellbound

Man on BlackBerry: Yeah, it's about a freaking partnership. And there's no "I" in partnership.

–Washington Square Park

Subway announcer: There is a downtown b train approaching 96th Street. That is "b" as in "delta."

–86th St Subway Station

Manager, looking at display that has been knocked over: This place is trashed. T-r-s-h-a-e-d! Trashed! (awkward silence from employees) What? What did I say?

–Bed Bath & Beyond

Overheard by: Melissa

Theater tech guy on phone: So you're saying every time Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter "b," you cried? If that's the case, I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry I offended you with a letter.

–50th & 9th

No Gang Colors in Rite Aid, Ma'am

Little girl: Oh! Nail art, can I have it?
Mom: No, I got a problem with you today.
(little girl sulks)
Mom: I don't care if you think it's an accident: when someone hits you, you hit them back and ask questions later! When you learn this then I will buy you those nails!

–Rite Aid, Brooklyn

Overheard by: kay arrgh

…It's Taking Everything I Can Muster Not to Grab Your Ass Right Now.

Girl: There are six feet in that bathroom stall! You should check it out.
Employee: Do I look like a sex cop to you?

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

The “H” in “H&M” Stands for Hell, Ma'am

H&M employee: The manager will be here in 20 minutes.
Angry female customer: Look, I just want to return these pants here and I gotta go to the bathroom, so I'm gonna be urinatin' on the floor!

–H&M Store

Paris Hilton: “That's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Boy: If my hand was botoxed, could I hold hot things without getting hurt?

–K-Mart, Astor Place

Drunk douchebag: If I was a gay guy, I totally wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, unless it was with a hot chick.

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to another, as smoking hot woman walks by: She's so hot I'd eat the corn out of her poop!

–42nd & Broadway

Guy to dinner date: I hate it when people tag me on Facebook. It's like, I'm in sweat pants! I'm a mess! I just ran three miles, leave me alone… You're gonna tag that?! Like "tap that." You're gonna "tag that"? (pause) What do you think about the waitress, pretty hot huh?

–Diner, Washington Heights

Overheard by: April Marks

Wednesday One-Liners Have Fifty Nursery School Rejection Letters

Two-year-old boy to mom: And after dinner, it's butt-shaking time!

–Brooklyn Heights

Tot in stroller: Mommy, I want the tabouleh… Mommy! My tabouleh!

–Food Emporium

Little brother pestering older brother playing PSP: What do you like better, Nutella or A-Rod?

–Stanton Tailor Shop

Two-year-old, after falling to floor when train swerved: Mother, I resent that.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sunny

With the Pink Hair Standing Straight Up and All

Saleslady #1: You look like one of those dolls. I forget what they're called.
Saleslady #2: A doll? Oh, like a Barbie?
Saleslady #1: Nah, not a Barbie. I forget what these dolls are called. They're kinda short…
Saleslady #2: Kinda short? A Bratz doll?
Saleslady #1: No… Ummm… No, not a Bratz doll… Oh yeah, they're called Trolls. You look like a Troll.

–Old Navy

Overheard by: MG

Wedne$day One-Liner$

Blonde: But I want my money to have personality.

–Bleecker St

Overheard by: Late Night Doritos

Guy in Sweeny Todd t-shirt: Oh my god, we have to go back, we forgot the cardboard! How can we make money without cardboard?!

–McDonald's, 3rd Ave

Eastern European man: I never waited for an ATM in my life! What the fuck!?

–Bank of America, University & 14th

Well-dressed middle aged woman: Money is so expensive these days…

–Filene's Basement, Union Square

Overheard by: Bargin Shopper

Woman in line for general admission, to companion: An $18 museum? You'd better look at fucking everything, and touch some stuff too!

–Guggenheim Museum

Overheard by: Tom

We Might Even Get Crazy and Go Watch a Kitten Play with It!

Guy who just bumped into a group of women from work, in incredulous tone: So, you're all just out shopping for yarn and stuff?
Group of very excited 30-something women who just bought yarn: Yeah!

–Smith St, Brooklyn, Outside Yarn Store

Overheard by: Zoe

What Kid Doesn't Want to Wear a Wire?

Five-year-old boy to mother, exiting store: When I grow up I want to be a cop!
Mother: You know that cops have to listen.
Five-year-old boy: Oh… I know!

–Century 21, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Nikole

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