Suits

Man, to old woman pouring paint thinner into the sewer: You know, you’ll kill the alligators like that.

–39th & Lex

Methodone lover: I told him, “If you do that again, I’m gonna sic the alligators on you!”

–Whitehall Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: Steven Lowell

Tourist, kneeling in front of a giant stone head: Help me, Olmec! Where is the shrine of the silver monkey?

–Museum of Natural History

Chelsea boy: Yeah…My God, the boys there were so hot! Their asses were all tight and round…Mmm…like a Chihuahua’s.

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: CocteauBoy

5-Year-Old boy, passing the smelly horse carriages on Central Park South: Eww, are there camels around here?

–59th between Broadway & 7th

Overheard by: Carmiya Weinraub

Old man, passing bear sculpture: Bears eat too much.

–American Wing Cafe, the Met

Overheard by: guingel

MTA hardhat: Yeah, for lunch I’ll have either the rat on a stick or the pigeon on a stick.

–Bleecker & Lafayette

Overheard by: Brewster

Guy on cell: I just saw a pigeon, and it reminded me of you.

–Houston & Bowery

Overheard by: Jon A.

Commuter: Oh, I’ve always been into manatees.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jon

Woman, to child: That’s why imagination is really nice. You can imagine that cat you have always wanted, and it’s almost like having him for real…even though you never will.

–53rd & Broadway

Animal lover: I never used to like cats. But then I had this dream where this cat, like, told me, “I love you,” so I got a cat.

–10th St & 1st Ave

Bus rider: My son’s frog jumped up there, and now I can’t take a poop.

–Q101 bus

Overheard by: Kaleena

Suit: No, no, it’s a woman with a donkey, not two donkeys! Jesus.

–14th St 1 station

Non-Ghetto woman on cell: That’s nigga’s crazier than a road lizard!

–59th & 7th

Picky girl: You won’t believe the pick up line he used. He actually said, “I want to be your beast.”

–The Strand, Broadway

Overheard by: Miss Parker

Suit #1: Yeah, so they’re selling enough dildos a month that they want to expand.
Suit #2: Really?
Suit #1: Yeah, but he doesn’t have the space.

–33rd & 5th

Girl on cell: I shit you not, it was a small studio apartment converted into a four bedroom on the 6th floor.

–47th & 9th

Fat suit on cell: How many people play the drums in Poland, really?…What? Wow. Cool. Well, plenty of time to practice I guess.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Max T-M

MTV chick: When I used to read, I went from the last chapter to the first.

–MTV cafeteria

Hipster: They’re always on the same train, so the first time you give them money, then remember your face. Every time you get on the train after that, they’ll follow you around. It’s like having your own 6-foot pet!

–1 train

Overheard by: spike

Chick: Professor, Dr. Roberts is looking for you.
Professor lady: No, she’s looking for the lobster.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Procrastinatrix

Suit #1: Gee, I really want a turkey sandwich.
Suit #2: Well, I suppose we could stop at the bread factory.
Hobo: You’re both queer!
Suit #2: How disenchanting.

–55th & 8th

Overheard by: Conrad

Tourist chick: He’s not gay, he’s just neurotic!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Scott

Girl: He’s not gay, he just has a lot of feelings!

–Grand Central

Hipster on cell: Yo, I want to tell you something. I do not want to go down on everyone… Well, I’m not gay, so that cuts it in half right there.

–17th & 8th

Suit to himself: Thanks, but I’m not gay!

–45th & 6th

Overheard by: Alisa

Little boy sitting with haggard-looking mom singing to the tune of Pinky and the Brain song: My penis, my penis is not gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!

–1 train

Overheard by: wondering what network plays reruns of Pinky and the Brain

Old suit: Why can't we cross?
Police officer: The President's coming through.
Old suit: He's not my President. Where do you think you are?

–50th & 3rd Ave

Girl on phone: You know her, red hair, goes to a lot of shows… Her lip is kind of, y'know, stuck to her nose a bit on the one side.

–Union Square

Promoter to older man passing by: Excuse me, sir, you dropped your clitoris.

–St.Mark's Place

Suit: And his head was askew…

–79th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit on cell: The woman's toenails were three inches long.

–The Village

Guy to another: I knew a guy with a tail–an extended tailbone. It was thiiiis (shows) long!

–8th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Rick

50-something New Yorker: He was Barbara Streisand's cousin! And he stretched my urethra. It was great! Well, not at the time. But now it's great!

–Broadway & 59th St

Overheard by: Nikki

Suit #1: Man, I hope management doesn't hose up the bonuses with all this AIG shuck-and-jive goin on.
Suit #2: Well, I tell you. The CFO ain't too worried.
Suit #1: And you know this…how?
Suit #2: Well, the CFO was evidently at Tribeca the other night, promising our admin secretary that he'd show her a real stimulus package.
Suit #1: That dude ain't got squat; all the office females who have it goin on know that. They call him “Get Shorty.”

–Pelham

Suit: So, you wanna bring the strippers to paintball?

–45th St & Ave of the Americas

Suit: They are not stupid people, even though they are from the Midwest.

–53rd & Park

Overheard by: MJ

Suit: We’re meeting in conference room G, but there’s still blood in there from the last meeting.

–53rd & Park

Overheard by: Russo

Suit whispering baby talk into another’s ear: Freddie, wash my butthole.

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Late-50s suit to another: My next-door neighbors, they don’t know how to communicate with their Mexicans.

–N & R platform, 49th St

Overheard by: Wish I could have heard more

Suit to another: I don’t care what they say — once a french maid, always a french maid.

–Rockefeller Center

Suit on cell: If it wasn’t for goat’s milk I don’t know how I would’ve made it through college.

–45th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: y2jon