Threats

Jewish girl: She signs up for JDate, goes out to dinner, and is engaged in four months. I sign up for JDate, and I go out to dinner with a duck. What the hell!

–Astoria

Suit on cell: That's what you get when you start dating at age 18 while volunteering in a Croatian refugee camp.

–M66 Bus

Female 30-something suit: Why would you think I don't have taste in men just because I'd do a guy with a hook, or a guy in a wheelchair?

–31st & Crescent, Astoria

Loud woman on cell: It's called "communication," Larry! Communication! You are such an idiot!

–3rd Ave b/w 40th & 41st

Overheard by: Tom

College guy to friend: I don't understand it, man. Every time I go out with this girl, like her vagina is showing.

–8th St & University

Man on cell: 26 years? Damn! After 26 days, I'd be all like, "bitch, I love you and all, but the next word that comes outta yo mouth, I'm gonna have to bash yo head in with a frying pan. I'm sicka hearin' the sound of yo voice!" No, of course I don' mean that, baby.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Riot

Girl in Mets jersey: My sister put me on anti-anxiety pills and now I'm gonna kill her!
Guy in Mets jersey: Rad! Go Mets!

–59th St & Roosevelt Ave

Overheard by: Stephen's Wife

Latino #1: My wife’s been sick lately.
Latino #2: Hope she ain’t pregnant.
Latino #1: If she’s pregnant, I’m callin’ Maury Povich!

–Dallas BBQ, St. Mark’s Pl

Old man: Hey, you just kicked my bag!
Young man: Dude, it was just sitting there. For all I know it has a bomb in it.
Old man: But I’m right here!
Young man: Look, you show me a bag that looks like a bomb and I’m gonna kick it, every time.

–Men’s room, Union Square Regal Cinemas

Girl #1: Hey, what's up?
Girl #2: I'm gonna kick you in the throat.
Girl: Okay…

–B9

Five-year-old child: Is this our stop, mommy?
Mother: No sweetie, this is the ghetto. Never get off here.
(two people sitting across give them dirty looks as they leave the train)

–Metro-North, Harlem

Overheard by: getting off at the 125th street stop

White guy #1: Whoa, so you're gonna fight me?
White guy #2: I think I'm gonna fight you… And maybe that tree.

–Steinway St & Broadway

Overheard by: One scary looking tree

Homegirl on cell: You live in Staten Island, that’s too close to the wilderness, near the border. I am not emotionally ready to meet you in Staten Island.

–LIRR

Suit: He’s from Staten Island. That my Graceland.

–53rd & 6th

Overheard by: The Sock

Asian chick: What is that fruit called? Durian? That thing stinks so bad! It stinks like Staten Island bad!

–G Train

Overheard by: paco

Girl #1: In how many stops do we get off?
Girl #2: [Blank stare.]

–Staten Island Ferry

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is South Ferry. From there, you can go to the wonderful Battery Park, go see the beautiful Statue of Liberty… Or go to Staten Island.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Smarlow

Ghetto mama: Gimme some of yo’ Skittles, boy.
Little boy: No, they be my Skittles.
Ghetto papa: Boy, you best to give yo’ mama some Skittles or yo’ ass is nevah gonna taste that rainbow again.

–1 train

Mother to young son: Get down from there. Walk down the stairs like a human being!
Son: I’m not a… I’m a alien.
Mother: Fine then. Maybe we’ll just leave you here… In your natural habitat.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Jordan Leyton-Mange