Tourists

Statutory Wednesday One-Liners

Tourist: I want to have sex. I’m old enough!

–Outside Cold Stone Creamery, 42nd St

20-Something frat boy: Ya know, something tells me my wife hasn’t even been born yet…

–6 train, Astor Place

Overheard by: Al

Young woman: If I were a pedophile, I would be the best pedophile ever because nobody would suspect me!

–6 train

Overheard by: Innocent bystander

Man, trying on glasses: No, these make me look like a pedophile.

–9th Street Optical, 9th St between 5th & 6th, Brooklyn

Chick on cell: Yes, I got fired at my job! Yes, I got fired at Barely Legal! I got tired of playing Twister in my pajamas.

–Airplane, LaGuardia Tarmac

Overheard by: Judy

If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere

Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.

–Battery Park

Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It’s people like that who give New York City a bad name.

–Lindy’s, 7th Ave

Overheard by: joemikehap

Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I’m a New Yorker; it’s practically a requirement!

–F train

Overheard by: Braincurve

Tourist on cell: Yeah! I’m in New York! Yeah, it’s kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can’t drink in the streets.

–Grand Central

Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Laura

Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that’s why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York…except for niggas on the train.

–Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Clitoris Rex

Little girl: There’s a lot of people in this New York City!

–Times Square

Add a High-Speed Cab Ride and a Couple of Hot Dogs, and That’s Pretty Much It

Tourist: Okay, that was so weird last night. I mean, you took me to a bar, and in the bathroom there was a window that looks out on a gay bar!
Guy: Well you said you wanted the authentic New York experience.

–SoHo

Overheard by: grr

Even There, They Will Not Be Treated Like Family

Tourist: Yeah, we’re looking for The Olive Garden.
Cop: Really?

–43rd & 7th

Overheard by: Seriously?

You Can Always Count on New Yorkers to Immediately Break a Situation Down to the Essentials

Tall tourist: Hey, they just said Union Square; is that our stop?
Big-Haired tourist: Our stop is 5th Street.
Conductor: The next stop will be 8th Street.
Doe-Eyed tourist: Is that our stop?
Big-Haired tourist: Our stop is 5th Street.
New Yorker #1: There isn’t a stop for 5th Street.
Big-Haired tourist: Then how do we get to Central Park?
New Yorker #2: You should get off and go the other way– 5th Avenue.
New Yorker #3, as doors open at 8th Street: But wait until Canal. Otherwise you’ll have to pay the 2 bucks to get back on the train.

Big-Haired tourist wanders off the train without his tourist counterparts.

Doe-Eyed tourist, as the doors are closing: Wait. Why did he get off?
Tall tourist, to doors: Open up.
New Yorker #2, as the train pulls away: Do you have cell phones?
Tall tourist: No, ma’am.
New Yorker #4: Well, at least his hair looked good.

–Downtown R train

Overheard by: good lord, the tourists are in season

Oh, Just Like You Bringing Me to Orgasm?

Texan mom: It says here that the French gave this statue as a gift.
Texan dad: Ain’t no way France coulda sent that. They ain’t got no boat big enough.
Texan mom: But it says here…
Texan dad: Ain’t possible means ain’t possible. Gittit?

–Liberty Island

Overheard by: Colman

Wednesday One-Liners Tape It to Their Leg When They Play Sports

Tourist girl: Oh my God! That bum, his balls are showing! I’ll give you twenty bucks if you go up to him and say, “Excuse me, sir, but your balls are hanging out.”

–Penn Station

Overheard by: mb

Guy: Yeah, there is this great picture of me taken a while ago. I am sitting on the couch with just my boxers on and I am all ripped and I look really good except no one pays attention to how good I look because you can see my nut sack is hanging out.

–49th & 10th

Overheard by: Grace Tydwr

Wednesday One-Liners Are Legends in Their Own Minds

Girl: I think Elvis died on my birthday…No, wait, Elvis died on Madonna’s birthday. Why do I always get that confused?

–36th St

Geeky guy: Dudes, we are staying at the Bellagio. That gives us instant credibility.

–Jet Blue Terminal, JFK

Overheard by: Dungy

‘Please’? What the Fuck is That, Some New Hipster Insult?

Conductor: All right, people, there is six hundred feet of train. Let’s try to use more than one door, please.
Tourist: Well that was rude.

–Downtown F train, 42nd St

They’re Great With Toe Jam and Peter’s Foot Skin

Tourist #1, looking at sign: What is a bunion?
Tourist #2: It sounds like something you can eat.
Tourist #1: Like an onion bun?
Tourist #2: Yeah, like that.
Tourist #1: Mmm, that makes me hungry. Let’s get some food when we get off the train.

–2 train

Overheard by: dubs

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