Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the Hogwarts Express. This is platform 9 3/4, and we will be leaving shortly for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Preteen holding Harry Potter book, to suit holding Harry Potter book: Oh my god! I knew they would come for me!
Suit holding Harry Potter book, to himself: I did too.
–C Train
Student #1, looking at financial data: Oh, crap, the dollar went down again.
Student #2: Why do you care if the dollar goes down?
Student #1: Because I want to go to Canada and pay less for strippers.
–Cooper Union
Overheard by: Yasha
Stoner preteen #1: I wonder if we could travel to the sun.
Stoner preteen #2: Yeah, dude. I wonder what would happen if we stood on it.
Stoner preteen #1: Our feet would totally burn.
–R Train
Little boy #1: Where are we going?
Little boy #2: We're walking to Russia.
–33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Miss Sunita
Employee: I was eatin' with my fried Okra and I vomited all over your fetus…and that's why you're so ugly.
–The Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: Dazzle
Girl on cell: Oh, please! That bitch is ugly and her cooch probably smells too, he can have her! Because I don't need him or his greasy ass head or pencil dick. (pause) What? Oh, fuck you also! (hangs up and storms off)
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Rich
Serious gay black man on phone: Oh, please honey…there are just so many ugly white women in Europe…it's got to be something in the water!
–45th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Culturally Challenged
20-something guy on cell: She ain't the prettiest bitch, but she got these crazy little hands.
–Throop & Macon, Bedford-Stuyvesant
Overheard by: elephantgiraffe
Hipster girl: I have ugly friends. I just don't hang out with them on weekends.
–McCarren Park Pool
Overheard by: I don't hang out with ugly people
Attractive tween to friends: And then Lindsay's aunt came into the bathroom to comfort us and said, "pretty people always get blamed for things ugly people do."
–W 65th St. & Columbus Ave
Chick #1: We should go to Montreal some time.
Chick #2: My friend was telling me about this trip he took to Canada. It was like seven hours on the Long Island Rail Road.
–N Train
Girl: So I was in Sweden, right, and we were riding these bikes and I sorta fell off the seat onto the bar underneath it and when I went to the bathroom there was blood in my panties and it really hurt.
Asian chick (yelling): Ohmigod, you totally lost your virginity to a bike.
Girl: Great, now the whole train knows.
–4 Train
Son: It is cold, like Canada!
Mom: You've never been to Canada.
Daughter: Don't talk about Canada.
–Spanish Harlem
Overheard by: Jaina
Country gent with thick drawl: I need tickets for two seniors and two adults, please.
MTA booth worker: Okay, where you goin?
Country gent with thick drawl: My son's house.
MTA booth worker: What train station?
Country gent with thick drawl: I dunno, does “Hartford” sound about right?
–Harlem 125th Street Metro North Station
Tourist #1: I've been in about 40 states so far.
Tourist #2: Wow, that's like half of them!
–Central Park
Overheard by: 1f
