Union Square and East Village

Omg, Like W.O.L.s, Lolcatz!

Girl to another, loudly: Oh my god! Where the fuck were you this morning? I was about to text you, but I realized you couldn't text. And I couldn't text either! And you wouldn't pick up your phone! And I needed to talk to you! But I couldn't reach you! So I just like fucking sat there and screamed for ten minutes!

–B9 Bus

20-something male to friend: I am so MIA right now. I am MIA. Like, I text you, but I am MIA. Like, so many people send texts to me, and I'm just MIA.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: dallas

Girl leaving movie: Well, I'm sure she'll send out a mass text the second she has her baby.

–AMC Theater 19th & Broadway

Overheard by: Julie

20-something to another: Tiffany, I know I left Jason at the altar…but why didn't he text me back?

–1849 Bar, MacDougal & Bleecker

Laughing hobo to another: That is the funniest joke I've ever heard! You have to text that to me!

–St. Mark's Church, 2nd Ave & 9th St

Overheard by: cody

Wednesday One-Liners Love the Skin They're In

Skinny pale male hippie with hair in top knot, to friend, calmly: I'm going to lose my brain. A piece of my brain.

–E.11th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Liz

Man on cell: Yeah, he crossed the line. Then, when he started talking about my wife's anatomy I was just disgusted.

–31st Parking Garage

Thug, about his baby son: So, I'm lookin' at this kid. I be lookin' at him real hard. He got everything I got! Square head, the shoulders, the flat feet, everything! Straight down to the penis!

–Staten Island Ferry

Out of towner to friend: I just want to let you know your armpit is making my wrist very warm right now.

–3 Train

Overheard by: there are worse places you could put that, I guess…

Man to friends: He empties his mind into your face.

–5th Ave & 11th St

This Round's on Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo to another: Now the average American might not know about the economy and the depression. But they know about Budwieser. If they go to the bodega and there's no Budweiser, they know there's a problem.

–53rd Street E Station

Overheard by: SJG

Bald 30-something man: I believe in whiskey and little else.

–Lorimer & Union

Girl walking down the street: You took methamphetamines, I'm getting a Diet Coke!

–2nd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: dazed and confused

Elated girl: This beer is really helping my canker sore.

–93rd & 2nd

Overheard by: brian w

Guy at bar: If the New York Public Library served Scotch, I would go there.

–Karl's Klipper, St George, Staten Island

Overheard by: Johnny Drongo

Train conductor: Next stop, Moshulo Parkway…and can someone get me a fucking soda! I'm in car 3! I need a damn soda!

–4 Train

Overheard by: B-Dizzle Yo

I Don’t Know English, I’m American

Spinster #1: How do they pronounce it in French ‘Oh Bow Pain’?
Spinster #2: Well, it is French and you pronounce ‘Au Bon Pain’.
Spinster #1: I don’t know French; I’m Spanish.

–Au Bon Pain, Union Square

Overheard by: Tamika J.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Wednesday One-Liner

Nine-year-old boy: Sometimes I just think I am a robot. I mean, aren't I a robot?

–E 17th & Broadway

Overheard by: definitely human

Tall guy: Yeah, you have to learn not to trust those shifty-eyed robots.

–Union Square

Hipster: And, like, he wasn't even gay… he was just not human.

–88th & Park

Comic book guy: No, not Optimus Prime. But yes, I have had sexual thoughts… about robots.

–40th & 7th

Cute chick: You don't need a sex robot to have sex with a robot.

–Old Town Bar

Overheard by: Lieut. Liplock

Dude, We’re Not Relatives

Large maintenance man #1: Yo, you remember your little girl you left a while back?
Large maintenance man #2: Fuck, man, why you gotta bring that up?
Large maintenance man #1: I think I fucked her last night.
Large maintenance man #2: How the hell would you know that?
Large maintenance man #1: ‘Cause she made that face you make when you lift shit.

–15th St & Union Sq West

Overheard by: margo

You Should at Least Stop Tearing Guys’ Cocks Off

Teen dude: So you wouldn’t?
Teen girl: Hell no! I’d break up with any dude who’d had his cock torn off and reconstructed using part of his thigh! That shit ain’t natural.
Teen dude: That’s so shallow.

–Union Square

Hope These Two Crazy Kids Realize They Belong Together

Girl: We need to find you a rebound for your rebound.
Guy: Isn’t a rebound rebound just a girlfriend?
Girl: Whoa.
Guy: Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out with my existentialism. You are high, after all. [Girl is silent.] Bright colors! Wavy things!

–7th & 3rd

I Got Sent to Solitary for Developing Economical Fusion Power

Thug #1: She’s perfect! I couldn’t stop thinking about her while I was in prison, man.
Thug #2: Yeah, you can think of pretty amazing things in prison…

–Union Square

Overheard by: Melissa

How About Gefilte Fish and a Halogen

Guy #1: So what should we get him for his birthday?
Guy #2: I don’t know….what about a menorah?
Guy #1: What? But it’s not Hannukah.
Guy #2: Yeah, but he’s Jewish. And his room is dark.

–Union Square

Overheard by: curious

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