This Season's Most Unlikely Friendship

MTA guy: Okay, folks, everyone out! This train is going out of service! C'mon, mister, off the train! Let's go, let's go!
Hobo, dragging enormous black trash bag: I'm going, man…my bag tore. You got another bag? I need another bag.
MTA guy: You want a bag from me? Damn! They hardly pay me anything, I can barely feed my family, when we go on strike y'all get mad at us, and now you want a bag? Ease up, man, ease up!
(pause)
MTA guy: Hey, man, your pants are falling down.
Hobo: Yeah, I can't keep 'em up.
MTA guy: You know why that is? 'cause you got the baggy fit underneath the boot cut! With the straight cut in between!
Hobo: I used to have an overcoat. I loved that overcoat. You should have seen it. I loved that coat.
MTA guy: You got five coats already! What do you need with another one?
[pauses]Hobo: Hey, you won't believe what I saw on the train the other day.
MTA guy: What's that?
Hobo: A man beatin' up on his lady.
MTA guy: Oh yeah?
Hobo: Yeah. With his shoe.
MTA guy: With his shoe! No way, man.
Hobo: I saw it.
MTA guy: Why didn't you stop him? You should have stopped him!
Hobo: Well… He was a big guy.
MTA guy: You should have stopped him! You should have hit him with your big Santa bag! Why didn't you hit him with your big Santa bag?

–A Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on January 5, 2009
9 to 5-ers, Clothing, Hobos, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Shoes, Violence, Weirdness

For Best Results, Start Encouraging Sibling Rivalry in the Second Trimester

10-year-old daughter: Mommy, why you always belly bumping me?
Mother: That's right. The belly's hitting you.
10-year-old daughter: He's always hitting me, mommy.

–Elevator, Ridge St

Posted on January 1, 2009
Body Parts, Family Ties, Kids, Moms, Violence, Williamsburg

Ok, So She Sleeps Above the Covers. Four Feet Above the Covers!

Guy #1: The girl I'm thinking of, she's not exactly crazy, but…
Guy #2: What, am I gonna wake up tied to the bed?

–15th & 5th

Posted on December 28, 2008
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazy, Guys, S&M, Violence, Weirdness

Why Ninjas Don't Eat Beans. / Make Their Uniforms of Corduroy

Teen boy: Those were not stealthy ninjas!

–Flushing Meadows Park

Posted on December 28, 2008
Parks, Queens, Teens, Violence, Weirdness

Hannibal the Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on bench smoking cigarette, on cell: But he has no problem lifting his legs so you can eat his ass.

–Central Park

Cornrowed boy to cornrowed girl: Stop chewing on me!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Kelly D

Random girl showing a picture to friends: I'm eating the baby's head. It's what I do in my spare time.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Woman to another with colored contacts: I just want to eat your eyes!

–Elevator, Broadway & 32nd St

Four-year-old boy to teenage babysitter: Oh, yeah? I'm gonna bite your vagina!

–86th & Broadway

Woody Allen lookalike: But buses are so creepy. I mean, what if there are cannibals on the bus?

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: or snakes

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Babies, Body Parts, Boys, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Kids, Leisure, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Staten Island, Stupidity, Teens, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Of Course!

Corporate girl: Dude, he's got a monkey.
Corporate guy: A monkey?
Corporate girl: Yeah.
Corporate guy: Like a real monkey? Or a monkey monkey?
Corporate girl: Like a real monkey.
Corporate guy: Does it bite his kids?

–52nd St & Ave of the Americas

Overheard by: what's a monkey-monkey?

Posted on November 7, 2008
Animals & Nature, Girls, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Talking/Convos, Violence

When Syllogisms Attack!

Guy #1: Left-handed people should all be incinerated.
Guy #2: Did you know that Gerald Ford would write left-handed when he was sitting at a desk, but…
Guy #1: That's why he died.

–Astor Place & Broadway

Overheard by: …but right-handed on a chalkboard?

Posted on October 28, 2008
Death, Guys, History & Geography, Idiots, The Village, Violence, Weirdness

Buying Her That “Cumdumpster” T-Shirt Backfired Bigtime

Ghetto girl #1: I'm gonna kick her ass. She's such a waste.
Ghetto girl #2: She is a waste. She's a waste of sperm.

–Times Square Shuttle

Posted on October 18, 2008
Cum, Default, Ghetto Chicks, Insults, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Times Square, Violence

Three Blind Wednesday One-Liners

Homeless man, watching cute little mouse: That mouse is aggressive! It'll attack you if provoked.

–Central Park

Concerned Long Island tween, pointing at a rat in the tracks: Oh my god, how did a squirrel get in here? Seriously, we should help it.

–W 4th St Station

Father to daughters, with head cocked up listening to dark void in the platform: Hear that, girls? The rats are playing.

–96th & Broadway Subway Platform

Overheard by: sueinthecity

Random blond chick: I don't wanna be the fricking mouse.

–Asian Restaurant, Chinatown

Dude: I was raised with rodents.

–Hunter College

Eight-year-old Italian kid to another: Hey, you know that bracelet you got at the feast? The next day I saw a mouse with it around his neck, swear to god!

–Lorimer & Maujer, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Natalya Petrovna

Posted on October 8, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Boys, Central Park, Chinatown, Dads, Education, Fashion, Girls, Guys, Homeless, Hunter, Italians, Kids, Men, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sensory Experiences, Stupidity, Tweens, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires

And His Wife Was a Great Lay

Cranky old guy: I used to get so goddamn pissed at that old rat bastard Frankie. Sometimes I wanted to snuff him out. He was a good dude, though, y'know?
Old buddies #1 and #2: Word!

–Bergen St, Brooklyn

Posted on October 6, 2008
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Insults, Men, Old People, Violence, Weirdness

Violence