“This muffin tastes funny.”

Shopgirl: Can I help anyone with anything?
Man: Yeah, can you give me a lobotomy? ‘Cause I really need one.
Shopgirl: Sorry, no.
Man: C’mon, just bring out a sledgehammer!

–Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker Street

Posted on February 24, 2006
Anger Management, Death, Manhattan, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Violence

Clothes Make the Wednesday One-liners

Guy: You know, for a hundred dollars, you can get that old mink stole
made into a teddy bear!

–M104 bus

Overheard by: Ron Caldwell

Posted on February 22, 2006
Brooklyn, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Crazies, Fashion, Hipsters, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Queens, Queers, Restaurants & Cafes, Retail Therapy, Shopping, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence

Wednesday One-liners for Fuck Machines

Old lady: No, Henry, trust me. You were never a fuck machine, and I certainly did know how to fake it.

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Marc Mitchell

Posted on February 22, 2006
Brooklyn, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Elevators, Food, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kink, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Pick-up Lines, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Suits, Teens, The Village, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People

Wednesday One-liners Distrust the Monotremes

Lady: I was fighting with this guy and his dog was in the room; that dog bit me.

–Cobble Hill

Overheard by: d.luxxe

Posted on February 15, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Fighting and ass kicking, Man's Best Friend, Violence, Women

He Thinks That Means a Blanket

Girl: Do you ever think about us? Like, how many more of us there are than of you?
Professor guy: Of course. That’s why I always pack heat.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Jeff

Posted on February 6, 2006
College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Education, Favorites, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Manhattan, People, Places, School, Students, Teachers/Professors, Topics, Venues, Violence

World War II: Hey, what’s up?

Hag: I can’t imagine dropping off my brother at the airport all like, “I’m okay with never seeing you again ’cause you might die in battle.”
Queer: Well, at least he gets a whore.
Hag: What?
Queer: ‘Cause you know they get whores in wars.
Hag: What are you talking about?
Queer: Hello? World War II?

–Olive Garden, Times Square

Posted on February 3, 2006
At the Airport, Death, People, Queers, Restaurants & Cafes, Times Square, Violence

Chinese Torture, Represent! Go Jiang!

Cheerleader girl #1: Terry, what are those people doing? Is that fake blood?
Cheerleader girl #2: I think they’re representing Chinese torture or something.

–51st & 7th

Overheard by: Alvin Cheung

Posted on January 13, 2006
Asians, Bimbettes, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Street, Stupidity, Violence

When You’re in Her, You’re Family

Girl: What about that one ugly girl?
Guy: Man, she is so ugly. I would not touch that shit.
Girl: But you already fucked her!
Guy: Yeah, but it was only once. And I used a rubber.

Guy: You’re an ugly cheating cocksucking whore; you’re a fucking ugly slut. But you know why I stay with you? We have compatible personalities.

Guy: I hate that bitch. I want to fuck her in the ass.
Girl: But baby, you like to fuck me in the ass.
Guy: Yeah baby, but you like it when I fuck you in the ass.
Girl: Yeah, it doesn’t hurt so bad when you remember to breathe.

Girl: So when we get married are you gonna stop fucking my sister?
Guy: But I’ve been fucking her for a while now…It’s like a habit.

–Olive Garden, Times Square

Overheard by: helen r.