Words

Conductor, speaking in a robot voice: Watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch… Sorry, my finger fell off the button. Watch the gap.

–LIRR

Train conductor: This is a Brooklyn-bound A experience to Lefferts boulevard. Have an optimistic day!

–A Train

Overheard by: soothed passenger

Conductor, in droll voice: For the fifteenth million time, there is train traffic ahead.

–1 Train

Conductor: This is 207th street, the last and final stop. Please collect all your personal belongings and leave the train. Goodnight and happy wabbit season.

–A Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Conductor: Thank you for riding on the C line, the best subway line in the whole, wide world.

–C Train

Overheard by: traPt

Conductor: If you want to get off at South Ferry, please go to the first five cars of the train. All passengers getting off at South Ferry, please move along the platform to the first five cars of the train. Yes, the front of the train is the direction the train was moving.

–1 Train

Conductor: We apologize for the delay, but this happens on the weekends. For info on service changes log onto www.mta.info. If you don’t have a computer, watch NY1, if you don’t have a TV, listen to 1010 Wins, if you don’t have a radio, call 718-330-1234, if you don’t have a phone, go home and wait for a miracle.

–N Train

Overheard by: subway rider

Aloof teen: So, other than getting robbed and coming back pregnant, how was it?

–27th & 6th

Overheard by: Seamus Diddy

Female cashier, looking over cover of Star magazine: Girl, Angelina is having twins?! I tell you what, that girl needs to get her some birth control pills -and you know why? Because she hot and if I was Brad Pitt I would keep knockin’ her up too.

–86th & 1st

Girl on cell: Ugh! I can’t believe she’s pregnant again! That makes futon baby number two!

–Forever 21, Union Square

Girl checking SMS, to friends: Oh shit…[Reads.] "Happy non mother’s day, pass this on to all your girlfriends and women you know who survived another year of not getting pregnant."

–Toys R Us Times Square

Overheard by: Non Father

Guy, chasing after pregnant woman in the fruit section: It’s not a boy? I swore you told me it was a boy! Honey! Come back!

–Whole Foods, Bowery

Overheard by: office peon

Girl #1, about her new website: So, our e-newsletter will be sent out weekly with pictures accompanying every article….
Girl #2, trying really hard to be interested: That’s a very… interesting way to keep things… interesting, and get people… interested… in what you’re selling. That’s great!

–Greyhound bus, Port Authority

Overheard by: Sim

Customer, after studying menu: Do you have turkey sandwiches?
Cashier: We're a Turkish restaurant, not turkey restaurant. We have lamb. (pointing towards large spinning leg on spit)
Customer: That's not turkey. (walks away)

–Bereket Turkish Restaurant

Guy with squash equipment #1: Let's squash.
Guy with squash equipment #2: We squashed her all night and we squished her all day.
Guy with squash equipment #1: That's disgusting.

–Gym, Columbia University

Overheard by: Nava

(two guys bike past blowing a whistle and yelling, imitating a siren)
Old woman: Well, that about sums it up.

–Broadway & 19th

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Grandpa on cell: Okay, well, don't bump and grind with any boys!

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Yours Truly

Older lady: I'm anti-tchotchke!

–Hudson & Bleecker

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Older woman gazing out at the pond: Well this is it! Scumbag park!

–Turtle Pond, Central Park

Overheard by: Confused

Old guy sitting on bench, to other: I'm gonna send your picture to Bellevue, so they can get the food ready for ya.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Lola

Old lady: The sex shops came in after the gays moved up from The Village in the 80s. But that's okay…

–8th Ave & 20th St

Elderly well-dressed lady to other (in front of bong shop): This place looks good.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Philouza

Excited bus driver: Next stop, 6th Avenue! Herald Square! Vicky's secret! Something for everyone! Get off!! Get off!

–M16 Bus

Overheard by: nora!

Bus driver: Everyone who is exceedingly good-looking move to the back of the bus!
(people giggle but still not much room in front)
Bus driver: Well, it's good to know you're a modest bunch, but you gotta move back or I'm not moving this bus.

–Bus, Central Park West

Overheard by: passenger

Bus driver over sound system: Dis bus is out of service! Dis bus is out of service! People in da back get up, close the fucken back window, and leave!

–Bx9 Bus

Bus driver over intercom: Good morning, this is a friendly reminder that the holiday shopping season now begins the day after Halloween. Make sure to allot six hours extra travel time as the city gets rather hectic at this time.

–M23 Bus

Bus driver over intercom: Come on, move back, people. There's coffee and jelly donuts in the back of the bus.

–Crosstown Bus, 57th St

Overheard by: Flexy

Bus driver (calmly): Move to the back of the bus. I heard there is mad room in the back of the bus. Mad room. I got an e-mail up here that says there is mad room in the back. Can someone quantify how much is "mad" for me? Mad room in the back of the bus. Mad room. Mad room!

–Crowded Q 55 Bus

Overheard by: Matt

Bus driver: This is the Q44 express going to Jamaica. We are traveling along Main Street, next stop is 41st Avenue. For those of you that don't speak English: blah, blah, blah, blah…

–Bus, Flushing

Queer #1: I am sorry, I did not mean it.
Queer #2 (angrily): What do you mean you didn’t mean it? You told me that you loved me. You can’t just take that back!
Queer #1: Sorry.
Queer #2: What do you mean you’re sorry!?
(pause for a block)
Queer #1: Thanks for the help. Now I feel ready to tell Brian.

–Univeristy Place &14th St

Girl #1: Hey look! (whispering) It says “poopy” right there.
Girl #2: (goes to the counter and looks at the sign) That doesn’t say “poopy”! It says “poppy”!
Girl #1: Really!? Oh my god! That’s so funny!
Girl #2: At first I thought you said they were “booby bagels”.

–Bay Ridge Ave & 4th Ave

Overheard by: Azzerrr

Street preacher: The day of repentment is here!
Passerby: ‘Repentment’ isn’t a word…
Street preacher: It’s the word of God.

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: The Professor