All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy

Knitting girl: Don't let your drunk girlfriend name your cat, because eventually you will break up with her and then you'll have a cat with a stupid name.

–The Point Knitting Cafe

Overheard by: Heather

Woman coming out of restroom, holding a bottle of liquid soap: You gotta keep the cat clean!

–NYU Hospital

Overheard by: A nurse who wish she wasn't sometimes!!

Female tourist, to herself: There are nine ways to skin a cat, and I know all of them.

–23rd & 8th

Man to woman, arguing: Fuck you, Nina, that's the point. You're not taking my cat!

–Central Park

Old man to friend, during lunch: I don't like cats' attitudes. Unlike dogs, they can be so aloof. Especially to Jews…

–Deli, 1st Ave

Overheard by: Allison

Cuba Gooding Jr: “Show Me the Wednesday One-Liner!”

CEO on phone: Fuck you! Just get me the things I need to make money.

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Older man wearing yarmulke, screaming into cell: Hi! I think I left a check for $19,000 in the armoire, can you check if its there? (pause) Oh, good! I was so worried! I will deposit it tomorrow! (pause) Yeah! I'm going over the bridge! (pause) Okay? I gotta go! Bye!

–Q Train

Frustrated girl on cell: I've only got a metro card and $20! I can't take the bus!

–85th & Columbus

Overheard by: Jesse D

Female student: My dad didn't pay two $200,000 for me to be a bartender.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Greg

Singing hobo: I work hard for the money, I work hard for the money, so you better work hard for me!

–W 4th St

Overheard by: DRC

Bursar office attendant: All we do is take yo money.

–Pratt Institute

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center of a Wednesday One-Liner?

Chick: How am I supposed to exercise my authority when people are asking me, ‘Do you want to lick it?’?!

–Churrascaria Plataforma

Dude: I used the little bathroom in the back, and there was sauce all over the toilet. I wanted to lick it up.

–DiFara’s Pizzeria

Teen boy: Oh my god, Barrett Foa! He’s so hot… I want him to lick my vagina! Oh, my poor, crusty vagina…

–Stage door of Golden Theatre

Overheard by: Emo Barbie Julia

Hipster boy: I will climb down on those tracks and lick that third rail. I will lick it!

–L train

Overheard by: how many hot dogs?

Punk chick: Why are you so disgusted by licking other people’s eyeballs?

–17th Ave, Brooklyn

Wheeling and Dealing Wednesday One-liners

Teen girl #1: I don’t care, I’ll talk booty all night for $50. Works for me.

–Keyspan Park

Overheard by: birdw0rks

The Best Things in Life Are Wednesday-One-Liners

Thug: Why da hell should we tip her? We didn’t get nuthin fo’ free!

–Bubba Gumps

Overheard by: Gregorio

Man, reading newspaper: It’s the best kind of abuse! Free abuse!

–D train, 47th St

Overheard by: can i have some free abuse?

Girl: People are eating corn like it’s free out here!

–Union Square Farmer’s Market

Overheard by: Thompson

AM New York hawker on rainy day: Free paper! C’mon, free paper! Put it over your head!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ben

Newspaper guy: Get your free Daily News. Find out why Whitney’s back on crack. Free Daily News!

–59th St subway

Overheard by: MRP

Man: It was a gigantic free cupcake. I think that if I didn’t take it, then thirty years from now, I’d feel stupid.

–Office, Broadway & 55th St

Overheard by: Paul

Guy: I need a deserted island. A free one!

–6th Ave & Waverly Place

Overheard by: Jim G

Like Shooting Wednesday One-Liners in a Barrel

Dude: My navel smells like fish.

–138th & Convent Ave

Overheard by: The City Planner

Thug: Yo, any saltwater fish — mad high maintenance!

–N train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Chick on cell: I mean, I don’t understand why he couldn’t just be supportive and eat the trout!

–83rd & 2nd

Dude, if I had gills, that’d be great. I’d be banging tons of mermaids.

–34th & Park

Man to female walking companion: We have so much in common! Do you also think that scallions are seafood?

–Broadway & Waverly

Overheard by: Rachel

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Archaic and Bourgeoise

20-something woman to friend: Man, can I just tell you how absolutely bizarre coffee shop conversations are in this area?! I am never ever getting married if this is the sort of stuff married women talk about all day.

–Smith & Bergan

Overheard by: Mako Shark

30-something to older woman: I can’t get married yet! I haven’t experienced even… half of the women in the world yet!

–86th & Broadway

Overheard by: Carol

Tween boy getting into the face of another tween boy: (loudly) I’ll be your fucking wife!

–Morgan’s Market

Overheard by: Akiko

Little boy: We saw a peanut marrying a princess!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: blue

Girl to friends: I think my husband’s gonna divorce me now that gay marriage is legal.

–N10th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Non Hipster

Woman in a wedding dress and veil, on cell: Yeah, I got kicked out.

–Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Heart Meerkats

Pretty 20-something girl: I might reconsider if there is a horse involved.

–Manhattan Beach

Overheard by: The Tutors

Girl to friend: Look at sociology. Look at the animals. That totally explains it. It is just like the animals, sociology explains everything.

–West 4th & Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Darci

Woman to man: Because I'd really like to understand what makes a good toreador and what makes a bad toreador.

–70th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lisa B.

Girl who was just handed an anti-bird-porn flyer: I have never even seen birds mating. Now I am intrigued.

–Hair Rush Line Central Park

Overheard by: Krysta

Pet store clerk to customer: I don't know what flavor it is. It's turtle food. It's what they eat.

–Flushing Petland Discount

Park janitor to pigeons: I need all's you guys to be flappin' yo' wings and help me be cleanin' up these leaves. (pigeons coo, janitor starts cooing with them)

–Clinton & Congress, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Was a good impression

‘I’ Before ‘E’, Except After ‘C’, or in Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, it’s weird, it feels like I’m still alive.

–W 8th & Broadway

Guy: I still think surprise necrophilia is weird.

–Robert Louis Stevenson School

Overheard by: Lucas

Man to woman companion: I hate single people. They’re all weird.

–90th b/w 2nd & 3rd

Man on cell: February is a weird month for Jews.

–9th St. and 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Hannah

Trader Joe’s employee to another: No, I would not call her weird. It takes a lot for me to call somebody else weird because I am not the most normal person on the planet myself. Meow!

–Trader Joe’s, Union Square

Overheard by: Ingwall

Observant girl: Just because you get weird haircuts doesn’t mean you’re smart.

–Bowery & Rivington

These Wednesday One-Liners Are Not Yet Rated

Sixth grade boy reading list of movies to himself: Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Men in tights… Men in tights… I don’t know what the movie is about, but I like the title.

–Middle school, Park Slope

Angry dude: I can’t believe no place in all of New York City has this fucking movie. You can get anything in this city. Anything. If I wanted to get two midget strippers who’d let me do rails of coke off their asses tonight, I would be able to, but I can’t get this one fucking movie!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Hipster: I’m sorry, but there’s just never going to be a movie starring a midget.

–14th & 1st

Overheard by: Peter Dinklage, The Station Agent

Hipster dude: So I woke up, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, watched a movie, went out to the movies, came home, and watched another movie. I love movies. But then I had to sleep on my futon, and I woke up to a dog peeing on my head.

–R train

Asian chick to preggers friend: It would be so cool if your water broke during the movie.

–IMAX Theater

Overheard by: I don’t think it would be…

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