He's Not Allowed Back at the Sperm Bank for the Same Reasons

Crazy dude: Hey, can I have a sample?
Barista: I'm sorry?
Crazy dude: A sample of your coffee.
Manager: Sir! I told you last week not to come in here anymore.
Crazy dude: Huh?
Manager: Don't you remember when you threw a cup of coffee, hot coffee, at one of my baristas?
Crazy dude: No.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Flea

Headline by: drkipper

Runners-Up:
· “I Was Just Venti-ng” – fuvvcckkk
· “In His Defense, No One Else Thinks That It’s Really Coffee Either” – Peter G.
· “Naomi Campbell’s Lesser Known Brother Strikes Again” – Jakal
· “The Sequel to “Memento” Lacks the Narrative Drive Of the First” – Toby
· “You Should See What He Did at the Sex Shop Down the Street” – Charlie

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on April 30, 2009
Baristas, Bosses, Coffee, Crazies, Crazy, Free stuff!, Guys, Headline Contest Winners, Offers and requests, Questions, Starbucks

Harry Wednesday and the Half-Blood One-Liner

Chick on cell: Look, there are only two people other than me who can construct a sentence that awesome: Severus Snape and Keith Olbermann, and one of them isn't even real!

–18th & 6th

Middle-aged man on cell: Hey man, guess what. I just saw Harry Potter's magic wand!

—Equus, Broadhurst Theatre

Overheard by: Kilfy

Chick on cell: Is he one of Voldemort's friends from high school?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Loud girl to friend: Because seriously, how many real redheads do we actually know? And Ron Weasley doesn't count!

–NYU

IT VP: This guy at work told me the ending to the last Harry Potter book before I read it. So I fired him.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Jason E

Posted on April 8, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Books & Writing, Bosses, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friends, Friendship, Girls, Hair, Jobs & Careers, Magic, Men, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Questions, School and studying, Store, Theater, Wednesday One-Liners

Anyone with That Many Vowels in His Name Is Not to Be Trusted

Fro-yo patron #1: Yo, my boy told me he just saw Giuliani rollin' through the hood.
Fro-yo patron #2: Wait…who's Giuliani?
Fro-yo patron #1: One punk ass bitch, nigga.

–yogoMonster, Court St. Brooklyn

Overheard by: bojangles

Posted on April 7, 2009
Bars & Clubs, Bosses, Brooklyn, Insults, Politics

But I Told You I Didn't Want This Baby

Sales girl: Yo, I'm sorry I'm taking so long to close this register.
Supervisor: And I'm sorry I opened your register and it slammed you in the uterus.

–The Met

Posted on March 27, 2009
Apologies, Bosses, Clerks, Private Parts, The Met, Weirdness

Except Get Married, Obviously.

Gay manager: Ugh! They just keep on giving me more things to do.
Girl at counter: It's because you are gay!
Gay manager: Because I'm gay I get more responsibility.
Guy at counter: Blame the makeover shows. Make a few formerly hopeless fashion cases look good on tv and they think you can do anything.

–Retail Store, Union Square

Posted on March 17, 2009
Bosses, Fashion, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Physical appearance, Queer guys, Store, TV, Union Square and East Village

Because It's a Problem You Can't Fuck Your Way Out Of

Boss: Genocide is funny.
Intern: Genocide is not funny. Aids is funny.

–59th & Madison

Posted on February 9, 2009
9 to 5-ers, AIDS, Bosses, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Weirdness

Eric Cartman: “Wednesday One-Liner My Authori-tay!”

Disrespectful dude: We don't respect our old people here. Just makes more sense.

–Penn Station

Boisterous, deep voiced, West Indian woman: Miss, if you want respect, you must give respect! (pause) What the fuck are you gonna do about it? (pause) Miss, we will fight and we will die on this bus!

–Bus, Church Ave

Overheard by: Dena C.

Conductor: Please step away from the doors. (pause) I'm asking you in a nice way to please step away from the doors. (pause) If you do it out of respect for me, or, um, I guess, you don't have to, but at least respect the other passengers.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Vivi

Guy: Yeah, I would never fart in her face, that's disrespectful.

–Madison Sqaure Garden

Overheard by: adelynn

Emphatic bakery delivery man to store manager: You guys don't respect my bread.

–46th St & 43rd Ave, Queens

Overheard by: Anna Rose

Guy on cell: I lost all respect for her after she fucked the ice cream man.

–Dust Bowl, Central Park

Overheard by: Jay Softe

Posted on December 17, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bosses, Central Park, Conductors, Death, Farting & Burping, Fighting and ass kicking, Food, Guys, India Indians, Insults, Madison Square Garden, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Queens, Sex, Strangers, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liner Get Paid Under the Table

Guy drinking wine: Coming to work wasted is frowned upon, but also lovingly embraced.

–Tartine, West Village

Fake bag hawker to woman in suit with briefcase: Can I get a job, miss? Are you hiring, miss?

–Canal St

Suit: When I die, don't go to my funeral, just go to work.

–33rd St &3rd Ave

Crazy girl on cell: All I know is that I need a really fucking good job with no fucking drug test.

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Sam Fez

Weird guy to girl: I mean, I come home from work not feeling sexy at all. (subway car screeches) It's not exactly the most testosterone-filled job there is. (car screeches loudly again, then guy starts using hand motions) I have no idea how to get in the mood again!

–6 Train

Overheard by: fresca

Boss to peon: And grab Mary. (pause) Gently.

–Broadway

Posted on December 17, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bosses, Crazies, Death, Drugs, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Museum of Natural History, Offers and requests, Office politics, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Strangers, Suits, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Wishes & desires

There's a Reason Some Stereotypes Exist.

Bodega counter guy, to girl walking up to buy beers: Fuckin shit! Oh, pardon my language miss. Watch your mouth boys, there's a lady!
Girl: Dude, I'm buying two double Pabst and rolling tobacco, say whatever the fuck you want,
Patron in line behind her: This is Brooklyn, ain't no ladies here.

–Grove & Broadway, Brooklyn

Posted on December 7, 2008
Bosses, Brooklyn, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Insults, Smoking

The Size of Their Instruments

Barista: Weren't you showing me some German porn just a little earlier?
Patron: It was not porn! It was a music video! With…lots of naked German men in it.
Barista: And the difference is what, exactly?

–Starbucks Near Brooklyn College

Overheard by: Kosi

Posted on November 22, 2008
Baristas, Bosses, Brooklyn, Brooklyn College, Music, Nudity, Porn, Questions, Starbucks

Bosses