Brooklyn

English teacher: We need nine groups. How many people are in there in this class? 26. So that’s nine groups with… Nine times three is 36. Times two is 18. Eight times four is 32. Times three is 24. So eight groups of three with one group of two. Count off. Okay, ones over there, twos over there, threes over there, fours over there, fives… Oh. Guys, why didn’t you catch this? I’m an English teacher for a reason!
Student #1: Why don’t you just group them in threes, like first set of three there…
Teacher: No, I wanted to mix you guys up. Alright, starting over, one to eight.
Student #1: One.
Student #2: Two.
Student #3: Three.
Student #4: One.

–Goldstein High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Guy #1: Where’s your girl?
Guy #2: She’s at a fuckin’ buffet. She’s eating at a buffet, the fat fuck.

–Brooklyn College

Girl #1, smoking: She was such a lesbian. She made vegetable lasagna. Vegetable lasagna!
Girl #2, in disbelief: Wait–so her culinary choices dictate her sexuality?
Girl #1: Well, then she fingered me.

–Zombie Hut, Smith St

Overheard by: double d

Chick to guy on cell: Excuse me — this is a random question, but are you a piano tuner?
Guy on cell, pausing to stare at chick: That is the most random question someone has ever asked me in my entire life. [Walks away.]

–Clinton & Joralemon, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: WTF?

Student #1: Yo, you got a piece of gum?
Student #2: Huh, what do you mean?
Student #1: Is there any other way to interpret that? Idiot!

–High School, Fort Hamilton

Guy on cell: OK, well, be safe. If you get raped make sure he wears a condom.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Daniel

Girl: Don’t let me talk to boys after I take blue pills.

–31st & 2nd

Girl #1: Sometimes he like to rape my ass.
Girl #2: Ew! Hee hee.

–outside The Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: Josh Neufeld

Girl #1: Well, she was raped.
Girl #2: I wasn’t really raped.

–Vertigo, 26th & 3rd

Yuppie chick #1: Sweetie, you’re going to get raped dressed like that.
Yuppie chick #2: No. I have an umbrella.

–Delancey & Allen

Overheard by: Mitchell Linetti

Female law student: We're going to start a bicycle gang called The Tortuous Tigers.
Male law student: Yeah, we can ride all over Brooklyn wreaking havoc and intentional torts!

–Joralemon & Court, Brooklyn

Thug #1: Do you wanna watch The Real World with me?
Thug #2: Who’s on that show?
Thug #3: Just some crazy white people.

–Leon M. Goldstein High School, Brooklyn

Lady over loudspeaker: Would a customer named *Amanda please report to checkout ten. *Amanda, please report to checkout ten.
[Pause of about 45 seconds.]Lady over loudspeaker: *Amanda, please report to checkout ten. You mom is here and her back hurts.

–Pathmark-Atlantic Center Brooklyn

Overheard by: Bart Procacci

Little girl #1: What’s your name?
Little girl #2: No!
Little girl #1: Want a cookie?
Little girl #2, snatching it and shoving it in her mouth: No!

–Sandbox, Prospect Park

Overheard by: braincurve