Wednesdays Are Profoundly One-Linered

Yankees fan to Mets friends: When we go to the Yankees stadium I'll be like a retard at a Chuck E. Cheese.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Danial

Police officer in van, on loudspeaker: Move to the right! (people in cars ignore the order) Retards! You heard me! Move to the right!

–27th St & 10th Ave

Crazy guy, ranting: You can't have sex with people who aren't retarded because they charge too damn much!

–V Train

Overheard by: Ryan P.

Guy to girl: I never said that I wasn't retarded. Technically, I'm not a hypocrite.

–L Train

Overheard by: Julia

Heavily made-up girl: Do you think retarded people are, like, conceptually aware that they're retarded?

–6 Train

Overheard by: You tell me

Girl: The idea of a retarded Jack Russell Terrier is completely foreign to me, because as I recall, Wishbone was exceptionally well-read.

–Columbia University

Posted on February 22, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Crazies, Friends, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Insults, Man's Best Friend, Money & Class, On the Subway, One-liners, Pop Culture, Psychology, Questions, Sex, Shea Stadium, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Who Knew Ruxpin Would Become a Basehead?

Drunk chick #1: Look, I have, like, fucking trackmarks. It’s like a hole!
Drunk chick #2: Oh my God! It looks like a teddy bear!

–W. 4th between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Posted on February 20, 2021
Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, The Village

We Heart New York, Now More Than Ever

Black dude, yelling: I suck dick! I suck dick! I suck dick!
Brassy white chick walking past: Whatta you want, a medal? I suck dick too.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Posted on February 17, 2021
BJs, Black People, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Penis, Questions, The Village, Weirdness, White People

Must… Resist… Venn Diagram… Headline

Hipster guy: I don’t like him. He’s a douchebag.
Hipster girl: I said he was a nice guy. I didn’t say he wasn’t a douchebag.

–M1 bus

Overheard by: Kinda Nice Guy

Posted on January 28, 2021
Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hipsters, On the Bus

If Dr. Phil Did 2000 Sit-Ups a Day

LL Cool J walks by gaggle of middle-aged black ladies, smiling as he passes.

Ladies: Oh my god, oh my god, that’s LL!
Black woman to white woman: You people don’t understand — that was like you white folks seeing Dr. Phil!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Swanny

Posted on January 9, 2021
A-List, About Celebrities, At the Airport, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Music, Women

I’d Rather Date Her

Boyfriend holding up slutty top: What about this one?
Girlfriend: If you were a girl you’d be the biggest skank in New York.

–Charlotte Russe, Manhattan Mall, 33rd & 6th

Headline by: Scott

Runners-Up:

· “And knock the Statue of Liberty right off that pedestal.” – LORI

· “But at least it flatters my man-boobs” – Andrew

· “I learned from the best” – Breanne S.

· “Putting the “Ho” back in “Homeboy”” – cinekat

· “What She Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Her” – Alison R.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on December 24, 2020
Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Dildos and Vibrators, Headline Contest Winners, Questions, Store

Be a Good Sport, Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor, on loudspeaker: Please note, you heard it here first: I’m watching the Super Bowl only for the commercials. The Giants are going to be so far ahead of… the other team… it’ll be a boring game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the commercials are going to be great!

–A train

Overheard by: love this conductor!

Blind hobo to no one: You know why black basketball players are better than white ones? Because Jesus was black, so they’re like Jesus!

–1 train

Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Super Bowl! Super bowl?! What the hell does that mean, ‘a Super Bowl’? Didn’t you ever think about how stupid that is?!

–F train, 4th Ave

Overheard by: Theresa

Eight-year-old boy: You can’t have a Cowboys game without the cheerleaders. There go half the male ticket holders.

–Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Guy who is clearly not Eli Manning: What do I do? My name is Eli Manning, and I play for the New York Giants.

–Upper West Side

Guy randomly wipes out on the sidewalk, flat on his stomach with arms stretched out in front of him. Everyone stares.

Nearby cop: Safe!

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: Bananaphone

Posted on December 8, 2020
Black People, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Cops, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Girls, Glad the Condom Broke, Gripes, Hobos, Kids, On the Subway, Penn Station, Race, Sports, Teens, TV, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

Explain the Scales, Then.

Grimey punk guy: I don't get what your problem is.
Grimey punk girl: Well, the reason my pussy smells like fish is probably because you gave me a yeast infection.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: Tommy

Posted on December 7, 2020
Animals & Nature, Compare/Contrast, Lower East Side, Punks, Sensory Experiences, STDs, Vagina

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Be a Part Of It

Suit: That's why I can't help but love New York. New York is like the sick uncle that touches you when no ones around.

–Grand Central Terminal

Girl, after passing a tourist bumping into her: In New York we say "excuse me!"

–Macy's, Herald Square

Overheard by: The City Planner

Guy to friend: Are we in the inner city or just the city?

–1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walking out of Penn station: You know what's great about going out in New York City? You can get completely bombed and it's no big deal, because you'll probably never see those people again, you know?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like "shitter."

–96th & Columbus Ave

Posted on November 21, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Celebrations/Parties, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Foreigners, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, One-liners, Only in New York, Penn Station, Questions, Robbing the Cradle, Store, Suits, Tourism, Tourists, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Now, Less Than Ever

Salesguy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find anything?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The perfume's too much for us.
Salesguy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we'd pass out eventually.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don't want that. Ambulances are bad for business.
Salesguy: I've always wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance!
Chick #2: Um…
Chick #1: Actually, it's a bit of a role reversal. We're waiting for my husband to finish shopping.
Salesguy: Oh, which one is your husband?
Chick #1: He's right there.
Salesguy: The one with the ponytail? Looks like a vampire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that's him.
Salesguy: Boy, you're one lucky lady.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Salesguy: Hey, does he have a brother?
Chick #1: Yes.
Salesguy: Just kidding. Does he have a sister?
Chick #1: No.
Salesguy: Oh. Well, I was still kidding. You sure you don't want to come in?

–Outside The Body Shop, 76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on November 20, 2020
9 to 5-ers, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Girls, Offers and requests, Physical appearance, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Shopping, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Compare/Contrast