Man in hard hat: My dog Sparky is still in the hospital. The doctor wants to neuter him.
Polite, uncomfortable woman: Really, that is too bad… Has he fathered puppies before?
Man in hard hat: No. But I am going to ship his testicles via FedEx to Iowa. It will cost $200 to freeze his sperm.
Polite, uncomfortable woman: Wow! Um… interesting. (then to friend, as man in hard hat walks away) It was so hard to keep a straight face!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Gigglerocks
Hot chick on cell: Important question: Which is more painful, cum in your eye, or Caesar salad dressing in your eye?
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Dude on cell: … Because I’m a pastry chef, and my semen tastes like ice cream.
–Soho
Ghetto girl on cell: So he said to me, ‘Suck my cum for five dollars,’ and I was like…
–St. Mark’s & Broadway
Overheard by: Stilettofem
Chick: I have no agreements for future procurement of sperm.
–Harlem
Overheard by: Meister
Hipster chick on cell: Why were you and Voldemort sharing sperm?
–140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl on cell: You're like the male version of me! Of course I want to have sex with you!
–Washington Square Park
Girl: I don't give a shit about your personal life, will anyone in this bar have goddamn sex with me?!
–Naked Lunch, Tribeca
Guy on cell: So anyway, I told her I'd come and fuck her brains out. Wait a minute, I've got another call coming in… (answers) Hi, mom!
–E Train
Gay queen, while female friends take photo of werewolf: It's worth having sex with just because of the foot…
–The Slaughtered Lamb Pub, West Village
Overheard by: Lost on Christmas Day
Girl on phone: I ain't denying you shit, motherfucker! You want to pound my ass? Come over and pound me! You want to fill my mouth with juice? Then fill me with juicy goodness! (pause) Okay, I'll see you later tonight, then.
–W 123rd & 8th Ave
Ferry queer on phone: Everyone looks like the sex they had last night.
–Staten Island
Young man: I think I hurt my throat when impersonating Mark having an orgasm.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Harmony Davis
Older queer to boyfriend: Uh! Uh! I'm gonna cum! I'm gonna cum! I have to have this record! It's so good! It makes me orgasm!
–W 72nd S, Record Store
Overheard by: Never achieved an orgasm that way…
Punk kid to two friends: I want to pierce my shaft and put different things in it so I can give girls better orgasms.
–West Village
Overheard by: Andy & Nick
Man on pay phone: I want to come all over your cock.
–Astor Place
Overheard by: sofia
Drunk chick, loudly as the bar goes silent: I could make you come with one finger!
–Bar, Fulton St
Overheard by: Izzy
Old lady to husband: I heard Britney wants to adopt some pets instead taking care of her children.
Husband: They should just leave her alone.
Old lady to husband: Now you are defending her?
Husband: Not only defending her, I would wipe-lick her butt and ass-rape her until she farts cum.
–1 Train
Overheard by: gio
Blonde girl, looking up at bridge: The Brooklyn Bridge can blow me.
Brown haired girl: Ugh! Word!
–South Street
Overheard by: how does that work?
Preppy girl: He was nice — really successful, owns his own apartment… I just wasn’t into him. He kept trying to hook up and I just wanted to be left alone. He proceeded to jerk off into his pajama pants. Oh, and by the way, it took about 40 seconds. I didn’t even have enough time to react. He then rolled over and went to sleep in it! The worst part is that he’s still calling me. Hello, buddy — you jerked off into your own pants and slept in your own cum. Yeah, we’re not gonna work.
Guy friend: That’s awesome! Who can I tell next?
–47th & Lex
Girl on cell: Five hours later, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!
–13th St
Overheard by: questioning the physics
Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5'8", I mean…it's like not tall…but like not short. (four minutes later, screaming) Yeah…like…too much thought is like…bad for you! (later) They should've jerked you off in your sock!
–84th & Amsterdam Ave
One of four middle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to never swallow the cum, spit the cum out.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Dan
High voiced hobo to teenager: I want you to cum on my face.
–72nd St & Broadway
20-something girl on cell: Oh, you can't carry the microscope with you? Well, if you come here we'll have to forgo the sperm. If I come to visit you, then we can work it into the schedule.
–Ess-A-Bagel
Overheard by: Emma
NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you're jizzing?!
–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: IWasWonderingThatToo
Student, slamming reproductive biology book shut: Sperm! It's everywhere!
–Bobst Library
Overheard by: ttny
Guy on cell: I eat ass like a champion.
–Havemeyer & S 1st St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: EA
Scary old guy to pretty woman: Oooh, girl, you look so fine. Tell your husband I want to bite your kneecaps off.
–West Village
Lady on cell: Yeah, I’m really hungry, too. I could really eat some nice wallpaper right about now.
–83rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Debbie
Woman: I’d rather eat homeless person’s cum than ever eat plain yogurt again.
–Clinton & Stanton
Creepy guy: Let me put it this way: I might not be compelled to eat a puppy, but I just might eat a baby. There’s just something unattractive about them.
–Bus to Penn Station
Mother to screaming child: If you don’t stop crying I am going to eat you!
–100th & Broadway
Overheard by: briana
Bouncer to girl showing ID: You’re so beautiful. I wanna put you on a pedestal… and eat your ass.
–West Village
Overheard by: RBNY
Man on cell, inaudible at first: … Whale sperm.
Business chick: Did you just say ‘whale sperm’?
Man, to chick: Yeah.
Business chick: Perfect!
Man, into cell: Great. I’ll be there in two minutes.
–55 Water St
Overheard by: Billy Splatts!
