Girl: We need to find you a rebound for your rebound.
Guy: Isn’t a rebound rebound just a girlfriend?
Girl: Whoa.
Guy: Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out with my existentialism. You are high, after all. [Girl is silent.] Bright colors! Wavy things!
–7th & 3rd
Logic-major girl #1: You’re totally into rich men. Like, I can see you dating a multi-million-dollar dork like Bill Gates.
Logic-major girl #2: I’m not attracted to money. I just like middle-aged men in suits, and you have to be rich to wear a suit. Also, I want someone who can pay for my abortion, because Lord knows I can’t afford it.
–Greenwich Village
Overheard by: I’m not pregnant
Chick: Last night’s blind date was so boring.
Guy: Oh, yeah?
Chick: I was so bored I got drunk, but my hair caught on fire from the candle on the table.
Guy: Oh my god!
Chick: I didn’t know my hair was ablaze when he threw water on me, and I was like, ‘What the fuck are you doing?!’
–D train
Girl: Damn, when my grandmother see me in this, she gone have a strizzoke!
–Filene’s Basement, Union Square
Old Lady: And then she said she didn’t like him because he was too fat. She wanted to date someone skinnier. You know, like you?
Old Man: I’m skinny?
Old Lady: Of course.
Old Man: Then what’s this hanging off of me?
–Brighton Beach
Suit on cell: I said to him, "If I had my dick out on the bar, you think she wouldn't look at it?" and he kept telling me I owed her an apology, so I said, "Sweetheart, sorry I looked at your pussy." Listen, I gotta get off the train now. I'll call you back.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Pasty
Guy standing at lowered urinal to guy standing at regular height urinal: The low urinal is for the guys with big dicks, so they don't bottom out.
–Roc Restaurant
Guy to group of friends (boisterously): I only date chicks with small hands…makes my dick look huge!
–St. Andrews Bar
Overheard by: allimax
Woman (screaming into phone): Suck my dick, bitch!
–Near Manhattan Mall
Guy shouting into cell: We got a cab. And you can eat a dick.
–Hanover & Water
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because some dick is holding the door. We will be moving when the dick takes his arm out the door.
–4 Train
Overheard by: jessie
Female coworker to another: You look so cute! I didn’t recognize you!
–Hudson & Vandam
Buff man carrying small, pink, frilly umbrella: I better not hear anyone call me cute.
–Canal & Mulberry
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Chick on cell: Mom, cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 25-year-old guy fluent in sarcasm. Stop trying to set me up with him.
–Hudson St
Woman looking at Salvador Dali painting: That is so cute!
–Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Does she kill puppies for fun?
Male 9 to 5-er: And, you know, they’re all dwarves… But I wouldn’t be embarrassed to go out with them.
–Federal Plaza
Cigarette-voiced JAP: Yeah, he was lame. But I only fake-dated him in, like, eighth grade.
–54th & 11th
Hipster on cell: If you sleep together afterwards, it’s a date.
–Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint
Overheard by: Miss Heather
Thug: Yo, the rule is, if you take her out to dinner and a movie she has to suck your cock. That’s the rule.
–23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Liza
Girl on cell: Look, Peter, I’m not saying that I hate you. It’s just that you fucking annoy me so much that I’d rather eat my own spleen than go out with you again.
–Starbucks, 45th & 6th
Overheard by: always turning up my IPOD
Girl on cell: No, she didn’t dump him on you. She dumped him and then he got on you.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Steve O
Guy to date: Well, when it’s like when I’m on a roadtrip, even if I need to pee, I don’t, I force myself to keep it in, it’s like a control thing. Totally about power. [Date gets up to go to the bathroom.] Hurry back! I want to tell you more!
Date: Yeah, it’s really… Powerful.
–Soup’N’Burger, Broadway & Astor
Overheard by: rpk
Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!
–53rd & Lexington Subway Station
Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!
–14th & 3rd
Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway
Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.
–Queens Center Food Court
Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.
–Penn Station
Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.
–15th St & 9th St
Overheard by: Spicoli
Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?
–R Train
