Dating

The Real World: Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: That's why I moved to Brooklyn: I hate people!

–Carrol Gardens

Overheard by: Smegma

Man on cell: No, no, no! You go to Brooklyn and suck that sweet white dick for free!

–35th & 8th

Brooklyn guy to date: I would walk all over Brooklyn for you! I would even walk all over Queens for you, you're so sweet!

–Tonio's Restaurant, 7th & 8th, Park Slope

Overheard by: D-Law

Train conductor: Because of a sick passenger at Clark Street, some of us may not be making it to Brooklyn…I'll let you know.

–Downtown 3 Train

Overheard by: D-Law

Conductor: This is York Street, the first stop in beautiful Brooklyn…yay!

–F Train

Why Not Just Be a Gay Politician in the South?

Snarky girl, about friend's prospective date: So, let's approach this like from a business perspective: Which option would give you the greatest return for the least amount of effort?
Hipster guy with Texan accent: Going into the bathroom, masturbating, and coming out to join a game of charades.

–Fort Washington & 180th

Sex With Me Is Like Jumping in During Double Dutch

Asian dude, adoringly: Honestly, if you were a guy, you would date you.
Asian chick: No.
Asian dude: Why?
Asian chick: I'm so good in bed. I intimidate me.

–E Train

Overheard by: Injun Mofo

Bob and CNNdy Are Such a Cute Couple

Guy: So, Plaxico Burress shoots himself with an illegal gun, and now he's going to be the next Senator from Illinois?
Girl: Sometimes I have no idea why I dated you.

–R Train

Overheard by: Yeah, it took me a second, too.

I Mean, That Would Be Unseemly

Jersey chick: I mean, what do I do? He is like all over me but wont have sex with me. What do I do?
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: I think you should just say, “fuck me or you're gay!” I mean, that's what I would do.
Jersey chick: I just don't get it, you know. And seriously, he is the hottest guy I've ever made out with, like hotter than anyone I've ever made out with.
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: I mean seriously, just say, “fuck me or you're gay. If you don't fuck me, you are gay.” that's what I would do.
Jersey girl: But he can't be gay, he's too hot.
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: But there are a lot of hot guys who are gay. It's probably because he's so hot.
Jersey girl: I just don't know what to do. He like comes up to me and is dancing with me and telling me to come home with him. But like, I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm from Jersey! I live in Jersey, I can't just stay with him, can I?
Girl comes out from peeing in bathroom stall: I don't know dude.

–Bar, Park Ave & 27th St

Overheard by: Shawn

So I Told Her I Hadn't Seen Him in There, But I'd Check Again

Large man, in t-shirt and shorts, on cell: So I gave my ex-new-girlfriend…
Small man: Ex-new-girlfriend?!
Large man: Let me finish…I gave her a tour of my apartment, and when she asked why my closet door looked like it was about to come off its hinges I told her I had dead babies in there, as a joke. Apparently, her brother died when he was three months old.

–5th & E 78th

That's What He Calls Guitar Hero

Guy: So yeah, now she says she's dating Steve.
Chick: Steve the crackhead or pyromaniac Steve?
Guy: The one who isn't in prison.
Chick: I thought you were dating him.
Guy: He found religion. Or something.

–West Village

Wednesdays Carry on Behind Their One-Liners' Backs

Guy on cell: You start dating married women, you end up meeting their husbands.

–49th & 6th

Man on cell (guiltless and disinterested): She said I cheated, duh-duh-duh-duh.

–Church St & Barclay

Overheard by: Robert J. Anderson

Female suit on cell: He cheated on me on my 30th birthday in Nantucket and I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Are you ready to give up that lifestyle? He's wealthy and he's gorgeous. I don't want to hear it." But I want someone to be über-attracted to me.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Dude on cell: Hello? (pause) I told you never to call me on this number. (pause) Because I don't want my wife to find out that we're dating.

–6th Ave & 17th St

Psuedo-gansta to friend: Yo, I would cheat on my wife except then you gotta buy them flowers and chocolate and shit. I'd rather spend money on my wife and be happy at home.

–N Train

Girl on cell, doing laundry: Yeah…and then he says that he has a girlfriend and he doesn't cheat on her…so I said, "Really? Then what was your penis just doing in my mouth?"

–Laundromat, 9th Ave & 53rd St

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Wednesday One-Liners Do It Via Text

Girl on cell: My ex-boyfriend used to call the subway "The MTA," and I was like, "Yeah…this isn't working out."

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I would've dumped him too

Teenager on cell: If, hypothetically, what we had been doing was dating, then technically, hypothetically, he just broke up with me. Fucking douche.

–Finacial District

Cute girl: Don't you know the rules of break-ups? You have to clean out the drawer. You can't bring old lube to a new relationship.

–Essex & Grand

Overheard by: yaletownkid

Guy to friend: So you're telling me that I broke up with her because of lube?

–Park Slope

Guy on cell: Look, I know I said "forever." It's not your fault! To be honest, I just never really liked you that much!

–West 4th St. Subway Entrance

Preppy boy: That was the worst part about breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. She got a 50% discount at Polo!

–Bloomingdale's

Like Totally Lucky or Just, Like, Lucky?

Blonde #1: Oh my god, how was your date last night?
Blonde #2: Like oh my god, we hooked up!
Blonde #1: Really?
Blonde #2: Like we totally hooked up…well, we didn't like hook up, hook up, but we definitely like hooked up!
Blonde #1 (in awe): Like oh my god, you're so lucky.

–Q17 Bus

Overheard by: My IQ lowered listening to this…

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