Wednesday One-Liners for the Thirteen-Year-Old in Everyone

Girl to friend: Whenever I get a really big booger, I feed it to the dog.

–Apartment Building, Midtown

Girl: And the doctor asked if she'd gone down on anyone lately, and she said "yeah, and when I was doing it, all these little bumps kept falling off in my mouth," and the doctor said "you have genital warts in your throat."

–L Train

Overheard by: atrain

Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all into his friend's mouth. We were dry heaving. But everyone just looked at us weird.

–1st & 15th

Overheard by: Angela

Preteen boy on cell: (belches) Huh? (belches again, loudly) What did you say? I can't hear you, I'm burping.

–77th & 2nd

Girl to friend: My dad would say, "don't send her chocolate, it makes mucus."

–W 24th St & 10th Ave

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Posted on September 16, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Excretions, Farting & Burping, Food, Friends, Girls, Height, Man's Best Friend, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Sex, STDs, Stupidity, Tweens, Upper East Side, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Transitional Phase

Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do.

–N Train

Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.

–1 Train

Overheard by: motivated

Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince!

–R Train

Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We're six minutes early, so now you can't say anything bad about us.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Angela

Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won't run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don't serve dinner or breakfast, and I'm all out of sleeping bags.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Steve

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train's emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there's a…body, or something, under the train. After that, we'll be able to move!

–C Train

Overheard by: Patient Passenger

Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff!

–Metro North

Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!

Posted on September 9, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Conductors, Death, Directions, Food, Music, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Time, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners

From the Trailer for Dude, Where’s My Brother?

Suit #1: Dude, that is disgusting! Did he like it?
Suit #2: He said it tasted like chicken…
Suit #1: Dude!

–33rd & Madison

Overheard by: SUSAN

Posted on September 7, 2020
Food, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Suits, Words

Above the Average Would Be Luckier

Mom: Eat this first and then you can have your Lucky Charms.
Little boy: No! I hate banana!
Mom: You do not; you were begging me for banana on Sunday. Fine. Turkey bacon, then.
Little boy: No.
Mom: Fine. Nothing for you. Say, “OK, Mommy.”
Little boy: You’re mean.
Mom: You’re lucky to have a mean mommy.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Kate Lane

Posted on September 2, 2020
Food, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Moms

NYC: The Best Restaurants Beget the Best Eating Disorders

Well-dressed girl #1: You know what?
Well-dressed girl #2: What?
Well-dressed girl #1: Throwing up at work really isn’t as bad as it seems.

–Prince Street between Lafayette & Mulberry

Waif #1: Ugh. I feel so fat…I feel so gross. I’m not going to fit into any of my summer clothes…I’ve been trying to be so good, going to the gym everyday and everything.
Waif #2: You’re not fat.
Waif #1: Yes I am. You can only say that because you’re thin…I ate a salad today for lunch. But then I just ate all of these sweet thingamajiggies.

–W train

Overheard by: Nora S.

Columbia chick on cell: …I mean, like, yesterday I totally pigged out on salad.

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: djlindee

Posted on August 12, 2020
Diet/Weight, Food, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Little Italy, On the Subway, Skinny People, Vomit

“What What (In the Wednesday One-Liner)”

Girl to teenage posse: Either the pen was really weak or his butt was really strong.

–Jackson Heights, Queens

Overheard by: Newsbunny doesn't want to know

Crazy guy to self, after average woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I'd eat a sandwich out that ass!

–36th & Broadway

Overheard by: Dingleberry

Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt magazines…

–34th & 8th

Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It's like your ass is gift wrapped!

–33rd & 7th

Older woman to younger woman: If your booty deserves the credit, give it the credit!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Credit!

Posted on August 8, 2020
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Crazies, Fat People, Food, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Pop Culture, Queens, Street, Teens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

I Prefer to Think That He Jumped Out Of a Cake and Yelled “Surprise!”

Foreign TA: I don't understand why they use the egg for Easter.
American TA: Oh, it doesn't really have anything to do with Easter, we just appropriated pagan rituals.
Foreign TA: I thought Easter is when Jesus was reborn.
American TA: It is.
Foreign TA: I thought maybe he was reborn out of an egg.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: MCLD

Posted on August 4, 2020
Celebrations/Parties, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Food, Foreigners, Jesus, Questions, Religion, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors

Wednesday One-Liners Up the Wazoo

Guy on cell: Wow! That's a lot of cookies. If I had that many cookies, I'd put a couple of them in my ass. (pause). It doesn't matter, I've got the space. I can't eat that many cookies.

–23rd & Lexington

Teen girl to teen boy: Unless you want a 9 millimeter stuck up your asshole.

–Grand Central Terminal

Girl on cell: Well, it's still rectal.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

20-something girl to 20-something guy, quite loudly: Yeah, but putting a metal spike up his ass wasn't exactly what I had in mind!

–28th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Jar Aaron

20-something woman: Baby, I think we're going to keep the Thanksgiving dinner out of my asshole.

–Herkimer St., Brooklyn

Overheard by: M. Fresh

Posted on August 2, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Asshole, Boys, Brooklyn, Celebrations/Parties, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Food, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Street, Teens, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Food