Wednesday One-Liners Toot Their Own Horns

Guy on cell: Guitars… guitarists, guitarists… drummers, yeah, any musicians… Girls, yeah! Girls!

–Prospect Heights

Suave European guy: I am playing the piano and the flute. At the same time. It’s a metaphor.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Librarianish-looking woman: He asked me if I wanted to blow his tuba, and I said, "sure!". It was amazingly harder than I thought it would be. And, he’s bringing his organ tomorrow so I can play with it.

–Battery Park Starbucks

30-something woman: My consultant was telling me I should try not to sound elitist. But that’s really hard for me. I mean, I have two master’s degrees and I play the violin.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Bodybuilder on cell: I’m thinking a harpsichord, a wig, and a whole lotta talcum powder.

–Chinatown Bus

Blonde high school girl: Grinding is as practical as playing the harpsichord was for Jane Austen.

–Upper East Side

Posted on January 11, 2018
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Battery Park, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Chinatown, Compare/Contrast, Education, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Innuendo, Instruments, Music, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Questions, Starbucks, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Women, Words

Yeah, He’s Still Allergic to Me

Guy: How were things with your ex last night?
Girl: You know… He threw up and started crying, so I gave him a hug. He got an erection, threw up two more times and passed out.
Guy: So, same old same old.

–E 51st, b/w 1st & 2nd

Posted on January 6, 2018
Crying, Default, Erections, Girls, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Relationships, Vomit, Weirdness

Janie Got a Wednesday One-Liner

Voice over employee's walkie-talkie: Okay, I really need those guns. Anyone who has one, I need it down in bridal.

–Bed Bath & Beyond

Obnoxious woman: So I said, "motherfucker, I'm not your sister–I'm your cousin. So I will shoot you."

–Uptown 2 Train

Large black man: If you ain't got no bullets, you gotsta melee!

–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Zach

Wannabe hip-hopper, trying to sell CD: It's clean music, and I ain't never shot no one!

–Union Square

20-something guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it's over ten years old!

–19th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Emily Davidson

Dude, after chatting to policewoman: I just have a thing for women in uniform! My mind says, "no, no, settle down," and my penis says, "but she's got a gun!"

–Hudson & Laight

Posted on December 29, 2017
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Cops, Family Ties, Fat People, Guys, Insults, Marriage, Men, Musicians, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Shoot, Singing, Store, Street, Threats, Time, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Good Thing There's Sawdust on the Floor

Soccer fan #1, disturbed by screaming children while watching World Cup: Where the hell did all these kids come from?
Soccer fan #2, still watching screen: My guess is various wombs.

–Sports Bar, Red Hook

Overheard by: KP Whitey

Posted on December 29, 2017
Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Guys, Insults, Kids, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Sports

…So Go Ahead and Make Your “Hardwood” Jokes

Slick guy: So, do the curtains match the carpet?
Hot bleached blonde: There is no carpet.
Slick guy: Oh.

–Starbucks, Times Square

Posted on December 22, 2017
Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Questions, Starbucks, Times Square

Gummi Bolts

Guy, sniffing at a box of bolts: Wow, these smell like Twizzlers!
Box owner: Well, they are from Germany.

–Metric Building, Hawthorne

Overheard by: not surprised at all

Posted on December 20, 2017
Buildings, Compare/Contrast, Default, Food, Global Geography, Guys, Not New York, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences

She Duels Like Yoda

Guy to woman with baby strapped to her chest: Your baby looks like a little Yoda.
Woman: That's what my husband said.
Husband: No, I said she looks like Obi-Wan.

–Path b/w Christopher & 9th

Overheard by: Brwnman

Posted on December 19, 2017
Babies, Compare/Contrast, Families, Guys, Movies, The Village

Some Headlines Write Themselves.

Guy: Snowboarding is better than skiing.
Girl: Yeah, I don’t think I would like skiing. I’m just not good at the whole keeping-my-legs-together thing.

–42st Station

Overheard by: BJ

Posted on December 17, 2017
Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Guys, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Sports, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Words

Dear Diary, Reynolds Admitted He Loves Me Today! Well, Almost.

Girl: Why don’t you ever invite me to the dorms?
Guy: ‘Cause if you wanna come, you should ask.
Girl: Well, do you want me to come over?
Guy: If I don’t have to study, yeah.
Girl: Well then you should invite me!
Guy: Why?
Girl: ‘Cause it would make me happy!
Guy: What the hell do I care?
Girl: Well, you wouldn’t go down on me if you didn’t want me to be at least pleased.
Guy: That…is probably the best argument you could have made.
Girl: I’m so glad no one speaks English on this train.

–1 train

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Posted on November 30, 2017
Bimbettes, Eating Out, Guys, Language Barrier, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Students, Talking/Convos

And That’s One to Grow On

Guy on cell: Seriously [Bryan] the shit won’t go away! The fucking rash is still there….yes, I put that cream on my dick but shit, it’s still there!…Oh, I have to put the cream on more than once? You never mentioned that.
Woman: Sweetie, everyone knows you have to put cream on more than once, no matter where you put it.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ali

Posted on November 27, 2017
Advice, Guys, Medicine, On Cell, Penis, Penn Station, STDs, Women

Guys