Guys

Dear Diary, Reynolds Admitted He Loves Me Today! Well, Almost.

Girl: Why don’t you ever invite me to the dorms?
Guy: ‘Cause if you wanna come, you should ask.
Girl: Well, do you want me to come over?
Guy: If I don’t have to study, yeah.
Girl: Well then you should invite me!
Guy: Why?
Girl: ‘Cause it would make me happy!
Guy: What the hell do I care?
Girl: Well, you wouldn’t go down on me if you didn’t want me to be at least pleased.
Guy: That…is probably the best argument you could have made.
Girl: I’m so glad no one speaks English on this train.

–1 train

Overheard by: Vicksburg

And That’s One to Grow On

Guy on cell: Seriously [Bryan] the shit won’t go away! The fucking rash is still there….yes, I put that cream on my dick but shit, it’s still there!…Oh, I have to put the cream on more than once? You never mentioned that.
Woman: Sweetie, everyone knows you have to put cream on more than once, no matter where you put it.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ali

…About a Hooker.

Guy to friends: Guys. I need an attractive blonde, about this tall, from about 11:30 to 12:30 tonight. Know where I can find one?
(silence)
Guy: It's for a film!

–NYU Dining Hall

Overheard by: queenofscots

It’s Hard to Make Love When You’re Simply an A-hole

Guy #1: Yeah, but you have a girlfriend.
Guy #2: Yeah, but she needs to lose weight.
Guy #1: Hmm, well how much weight do you think she needs to lose?
Guy #2: About 40 pounds. She says to me, “Why don’t we make love anymore?” and I’m like, “Why the hell do you think?”.

–2 train

Just Go On Oprah and Have a Meltdown

Guy #1: Hey, how was your weekend?
Guy #2: Pretty good. I met her mother on Sunday.
Guy #1: Wow, great. Did you tell her that you two got married?
Guy #2: No, not yet. We’ll tell her we’re engaged next week and go from there.

–Esperanto Cafe, MacDougal Street

And the Time She Said I Had a Miscarriage?

Guy #1: No, man, she’s been lying for a while now.
Guy #2: I dunno, man…
Guy #1: It’s true. Remember that time I was like, “Hey, where’s your baby?” And she was like, “Oh yeah…I had a miscarriage.”
Guy #2: True. True.

–Pick a Bagel, 3rd Ave between 22nd & 23rd

Overheard by: Shannon

I'm Starting to Care That the Girl Has an Orgasm

Girl #1: So wait… You have trouble orgasming?
Girl #2: Yes! It's like impossible for me to come through sex alone.
Girl #1: But fingering and oral works?
Girl #2: Well, yeah.
Girl #1 to guy friend: How ya hanging in there, Matt?
Matt: I need to start hanging out with more guys.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

And Nobody's Shooting at You

Girl: I need a job with benefits.
Guy: McDonald's has benefits–free lunch, and you get to learn how to make French fries.

–Prospect Park

Wednesday One-Liners Live Beyond Their Means

Black woman #1, to black woman #2: That’s a real cute phone for a nigger without a job.

–Sprint Store

Overheard by: wigger with a job

Guy: I dunno, if I had that much money, I’d spend it on something else. Like pants made of diamonds…Or hookers made of gold.

–Lafayette & Bond

Overheard by: jayloo

Hobo, to baby in stroller: You’re a fucking moron, kid, wasting all your money on that shit!

–Central Park

Overheard by: PeggyG.

Does TV Count?

Dude #1: Everyone has or will take drugs at least once in their lifetime…
Dude #2: I don't know about that.
Dude #3: What about the Pope?
Dude #1: Trust me, he has or will.

–W 72nd St.

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