Presenting the Wednesday One-Liners Lollipop

Girl: He’s like, "Why so cold?" and I’m like, "You licked my ear! You licked my ear! You licked my ear! I cannot emphasize enough that you licked my ear."

–43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: So if he licked my pussy, would it ruin our friendship?

–W 4th Street

Eight-year old boy: Can I please lick your eyeball, mom?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: thankfully, not the mom

20-something woman talking to friends: So, having some guy really close to your ear with his tongue out is the most horrifying thing ever… Some guy just licked me on the subway. He emptied, like, an entire tube of toothpaste on my hair and back and then proceeded to lick it off me…I got to work and went to the bathroom. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my back raw, but I didn’t feel clean until I got home and took a shower.

–Gift Shop, The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Lauren Weiss

Girl to friend: And then she bent over and he licked her ass.

–Astor Place Subway Station

Overheard by: Shane and Sammy

Pretentious redhead: So I said, "Please don’t lick me. I’m just trying to do my job."

–Uptown E Train

Overheard by: wondering where she works

Posted on May 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Friendship, Harassment, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Licking, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Museum of Natural History, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Relationships, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Met, The Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Unless It’s an Apparition Doing the Molesting, Like That Hot Scene in Ghostbusters

Girl #1: I am so wasted. I got molested by some Mexican at this sleepover party thing.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Yeah, I woke up and everyone was fighting cause he touched my boobs. I think there’s some law saying that you can’t molest someone while they’re sleeping.
Girl #2: Actually, I think there’s a law saying you can’t molest someone, period.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: if walls had ears

Posted on April 10, 2015
Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Foreplay, Girls, Harassment, Idiots, Rack, Students, Stuyvesant, Stuyvesant Town, Teens

I’m Never Reading Huck Finn Now

Punk teen #1: So, was he molested?
Punk teen #2: No.
Punk teen #1: Oh, thats boring.

–LIRR

Posted on April 5, 2015
Default, Harassment, Punks, Questions, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness

And Giggle About Him Over Baby Carrots at Lunch

Suit #1: Man, I hope management doesn't hose up the bonuses with all this AIG shuck-and-jive goin on.
Suit #2: Well, I tell you. The CFO ain't too worried.
Suit #1: And you know this…how?
Suit #2: Well, the CFO was evidently at Tribeca the other night, promising our admin secretary that he'd show her a real stimulus package.
Suit #1: That dude ain't got squat; all the office females who have it goin on know that. They call him “Get Shorty.”

–Pelham

Posted on December 26, 2014
Harassment, Height, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Penis, Street, Suits

Wednesday One-Liners Rob the Cradle

Teen: I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin…how sick is that??

–Simon Baruch Middle School

Overheard by: the art major

Random old guy: The only thing I like more than children is more children.

–Barnes & Noble, 83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Maianess

20-something guy to friend, casually: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl doesn't want a relationship.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: rachelandkaceyfuckup

Hipster girl to a group of friends: I can't date him. It would be like dating a kid, and not like in a really good way. (awkward silence) Uhm, not that there is a really good way to date a kid.

–Grand Central Station

Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can't do that to a guy! That's child molestation!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: inching away

Professor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a carnival operating the kiddie rides. (laughs) And no! I never became a pedophile!

–Wagner College

Overheard by: good to know

Posted on November 9, 2014
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Dating, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Harassment, Hipsters, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Old People, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Relationships, Robbing the Cradle, School, Store, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Virginity, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Dammit, I Got Pictures, I Got Candy, I'm a Loveable Man

Random guy in car to four people trying to hail a cab: Hey, where are you going? I'll give you a lift.
Woman: Uh, no thanks.
Random guy: Really, anywhere you want to go, no problem.
Woman: We're fine. Thanks.
Random guy: Go fuck yourself! (zooms off)

–40th & Lexington

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on October 7, 2014
Guys, Harassment, Insults, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Women

Oh, Sorry, Were You Having a Private Moment?

Girl #1: I can’t believe you just felt me up!
Girl #2: I can’t believe you just pulled my shirt off!

Two guys nearby whip their heads around to look.

Girls: What are you looking at?!

–2nd St & Ave A

Overheard by: We all did

Posted on September 8, 2014
Clothing, Girls, Harassment, Questions, Union Square and East Village

Show Me the Wednesday One-Liners!

Angry teen on cell: I'm not gonna pay 18 dollars for a wedgie!

–Lingerie Department, Macy's

Overheard by: me neither

Girl on cell: I don't have a problem with camping, but why do they have to give me a sleeping bag? Can't they give me linens? It's not like I'm not giving them an insignificant amount of money.

–W Broadway & Grand

Suit on cell: At first I was only making $30,000 a year, but last year I got shot in the foot, and then I got a $1,000 bonus, so now I'm making $32,000 a year. Shit!

–F Train

Overheard by: Brittany Smith

Loud woman on cell: I like and don't mind fucking you, but I need to get paid. I'm unemployed right now.

–108th & Broadway

Elevator operator for observatory, upon leaving: Please come again! We want your money.

–Empire State Building

Old guy in dark suit to young guy in dark suit: You're not embezzling money!

–48th & 8th

Posted on August 13, 2014
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Customers, Girls, Guys, Harassment, Holidays, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Prostitution, Questions, Sex, Shoot, Soho, Store, Street, Suits, Teens, Thievery, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Harassment