Health and Hygiene

Queer #1: So where’s Jeff been?
Queer #2: Oh, he isn’t going here anymore. He said he can’t deal with the gay drama and being cruised all the time. He wants to work out around people who are more serious about working out and getting bigger. You know, people who are just more focused on bodybuilding and not chatting and gossiping. So he switched to Equinox.
Queer #1: What is he talking about? There’s no drama here; it’s not even that gay. It’s not 8th avenue!
Queer #2: I think he’s just really commited to his bodybuilding and wants to completely focus on it with no distractions.
Queer #1: I think he needs to lay off the creatine.

–14th Street NYSC

Woman: Do you like the perfume I’m wearing?
Man: It smells like a sanitary napkin…Before it’s used, of course.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Christina Rusnak

Thirtysomething mom on cell: That boy of your is too fat. [Pause] Well, you keep feeding him hamburgers. That’s why he has titties. He’s an A-cup.

–M15 bus

Drunk NYU dude: You guys know that loose skin around your shaft or whatever? Push it over the tip of your dick. It feels like you have three balls. Three balls! Fucking sweet!

–NYU

Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual

Dude: I swear to god dude, I can feel my balls moving from side to side today!

–5th Ave

Hipster girl: Balls have no place in my mouth. Gum, chicken, or any other kind.

–F Train

Overheard by: Teabag

Loud fat black chick : I wanna kiss the balls of the person who made these cookies.

–Broadway

Overheard by: sounds yummy

Meathead on cell: I got some good shit for you for the gym. Shoot this shit in your ass three times a week and you'll look like The Incredible Hulk in no time… I can't believe you're doing all this stuff to impress your wife. We'll see how impressed she is when you don't have any balls anymore because you're on steroids. Who knows, maybe she'll start fucking me instead.

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: vicky

Guy on phone: I know classical music well enough to know that Vivaldi had no balls.

–42nd St & 10th Ave

Girl #1: I don’t normally carry a bag of vomit with me as a weapon.
Girl #2: We should market that.

–54th & 7th

Guy: I'll give you what I normally give you.
Girl #1: A toothbrush?
Girl #2: A penis in your face.

–113th & Amsterdam

Scruffy guy: Maybe you’re allergic to kangaroo milk.

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Elaina

Hipster dude on cell: Dude, what the fuck? Everywhere I go in your city there’s, like, no eggnog.

–Mercer St

Overheard by: omar

Street sock vendor to another: This country’s immigration problems could all be solved if they just stopped selling Corona.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Cameron Rose

Crazy guy: Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some fuckin’ water! Dumb bitch forgot the fuckin’ water. Go back up that hill, bitch, and get me my fuckin’ water!

–C train

Overheard by: Chrissy

Thug to wife: Yo, this nigga don’t trust nothin’ ‘less it has an umbrella stickin’ out of it. That’s gangsta!

–Atlantic Station Pathmark

Overheard by: Kosi

Metro male #1: I was gonna stop smoking…again… But when I take Adderall I smoke a lot more.
Metro male #2: What's it like?
Metro male #1: Adderall?
Metro male #2: Yeah.
Metro male #1: It's like being at a bar, drunk, hitting on girls.
Metro male #2: What?

–Spring & Broadway

Overheard by: David Last

Woman on cell: Hey! Hey can you hear me? Listen, I have the extra pair of underwear from the colonoscopy and I forgot to take them out of my bag…

–12th Street & 7th Avenue

Overheard by: Caroline

Guy #1: Do you have a light?
Guy #2: I don’t think you should smoke, this is a cancer walk.
Guy #1: Yes, but it’s not for lung cancer.

–South Street Seaport