New York's Finest Wednesday One-Liners

Black kid after seeing white girl in gym clothes run by: Man, for a second I thought that white girl was running from the cops too!

–Fordham Road, The Bronx

Overheard by: run, white girl, run

Middle-aged black lady yelling on crowded train: Young black men stand the fuck up! Kill the NYPD!

–A Train

Little kid to bus driver, after a police car siren is heard: Whenever I hear a police car siren, I always think that they are getting donuts, 'cause, ya know, cops love donuts, right?

–B41 Bus

Dude: I was playing the new GTA. I drove around looking for my apartment but couldn't find it, so I just shot a bunch of cops.

–Columbus Circle

Cop with M-4 assault rifle (serious voice, on a sunny day): It's raining men out here.

–86th & Lexington

Posted on November 6, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Central Park, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Guys, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Murder, Offers and requests, On the Bus, On the Subway, Pop Culture, Race, Sensory Experiences, The Bronx, Upper East Side, Video Games, Women

Becky Went on to a Brilliant Career As a Right-Wing Talk Radio Host

Teenage blonde girl to another: You know what pisses me off? You can't look American.
Friend: Umm, yeah you can.
Teenage blonde girl: No, because you would have to look Indian, but all the Indians are dead. Christopher Columbus killed them all. I'm still really mad about that.

–G Train

Posted on October 27, 2014
Anger Management, Death, Friends, History & Geography, Murder, On the Subway, Stupidity, Teens

Robin Hood and Maid Marian Clicked from Day One

Guy: I mean, you don't really need a shotgun to kill deer. I think a bow and arrow is much cooler.
Girl: Totally.

–Otto's, 14th & B

Overheard by: HaleyBailey

Posted on October 27, 2014
Alphabet City, Bars & Clubs, Girls, Guys, Murder, Weapons, Weirdness

Wednesday Bites the Big One-Liner

Teen scene girl: And that's a whole fucking different story! You always said you wanted to die having a heart attack in a car!

–57th & 3rd

Overheard by: Duluthian

Guy in line: I haven't had a corn dog since Jim Belushi died.

–Nathan's, Coney Island

Creepy guy on cell: Hey. Did you hear about the Craigslist killer? Yeah, isn't that a great idea?

–Penn Station

20-something irritated man on cell: Dude, stop freaking out! They're probably not going to do the autopsy for another three days.

–8th Ave & 15th St

Conductor: Please, no one cross cars, if the train makes a turn you will fall through, get crushed and die, thank you and have a lovely evening. Oh, and it's lovely to be alive.

–Amtrak Train to Penn Station

Overheard by: Paige

Posted on October 17, 2014
About Celebrities, Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Cars and Driving, Conductors, Coney Island, Creepsters, Death, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Internet, Junk Food & Fast Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, On Cell, One-liners, Passengers, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Teens, The Village, Time, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Salman Rushdie: Sigh

Van driver to taxi driver who just cut him off: Are you a Muslim, sir?
Taxi driver: Yes sir, I am a Muslim.
Van driver: Allah will kill you!
Taxi driver: No, he will kill you!

–Financial District

Overheard by: Erica

Posted on September 28, 2014
Cabbies, Conductors, Murder, Questions, Religion, Stupidity, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Please Silence Your Phone During the Wednesday One-Liners

Preppy girl: I really loved that movie. I thought it was titillating… And not just because there was cock and balls. I don’t care about that.

–Third Avenue

Guy to self: Brokeback mountain… Starring Hillary Clinton!

–Herald Square Subway Station

Overheard by: Worst Movie Ever

Doofette: I mean like I know it got the Oscar and all, but I thought "No Country for Old Men" was pretty boring. I have to admit though the choreography was amazing.

–SoHo

Thug, peddling pile of DVDs: Ghetto Blockbuster! I am your ghetto Blockbuster! I got movies, CDs, porno. [Another group of customers walks in.] I got that action, comedy, romance and I got that pussy! I am your friendly neighborhood ghetto Blockbuster.

–24 Hour McDonalds, Water & Moore

Overheard by: BigKahuna&BigRed

Creepy hipster: You’d think you can’t have sex to "Silence of the Lambs"…

–Huron St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Dude on cell: If you like murder, you’re gonna love this movie!

–48 Bus

Posted on September 21, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Creepsters, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Penis, Politics, Preppies, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Thugs, Vendors & Street Performers

…Now C'mon and Do the Truffle Shuffle with Me.

Drunk girl #1: She is a cunt that needs to get fucked up!
Drunk girl #2: She needs to be killed. Oh my god, that was so mean, I'm sorry.
Drunk girl #1: Goonies never say sorry.

–Ave A

Posted on September 10, 2014
Alphabet City, Apologies, Drunks, Insults, Murder

Everything Seems to Happen to Him

Counter lady: ‘Cause they look and talk like a woman, sometimes more than a woman! They be taking pills, shots…gives ’em a voice like a woman. I don’t want you getting in something. You might kill somebody finding out it’s not a woman.
Floor guy: Yeah, right.
Counter lady: Don’t be saying that can’t happen. It happened to a friend of my girlfriend’s boyfriend.

–Duane Reade, 57th & 6th

Posted on September 9, 2014
Blue-collar workers, Duane Reade, Kink, Medicine, Murder, Sexuality, Vendors & Street Performers

There's Always a High Fence Between Generations

20-something guy: That new Arizona law is messed-up, man. They are gonna have to…
60-something guy, interrupting: The law is right, they gotta get those Mexicans before they kill us.
20-something guy: What!?
60-something guy: I don't know what Obama is waiting for. They need to make Mexico a state.
20-something guy: Do you even know what your saying?
60-something guy: You're still young. I speak the truth.

–73rd St & Broadway

Posted on September 3, 2014
Foreigners, Global Geography, Guys, Murder, Politics, President, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Why Should Men Hog All the Violence?

NYU girl #1: I totally want to push that kid in the water.
NYU girl #2: What? Why?
NYU girl #1: Just to watch him drown.
Little boy: What?
NYU girls #1 and #2 (in unison): Nothing.

–Turtle Pond, Central Park

Overheard by: Oh boy

Posted on August 25, 2014
Boys, Central Park, Default, Girls, Kids, Murder, Students, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Murder

…Now C'mon and Do the Truffle Shuffle with Me.