NYU girl #1, on cell: What? You got me something at Planned Parenthood?
NYU girl #2: I thought you hadn’t done it yet!
NYU girl #1, on cell: Oh, oh, a button with a wire hanger. With a cross through it.
NYU girl #2: Maybe he’s trying to tell you something.
–10th & 5th
Overheard by: notpoetry
Reverse-Necrophiliac: I hate dead people. They have such attitude.
–Time Warner Center
Elderly bathroom attendant, finding a used tampon on the floor: Whoever did this, I hope she die! That shit is nasty! I hope her pooty fall out and she die!
–Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Leah Beirne
Hefty guy: No, I will not take pictures of a dead body… Not if it only died for a few hours.
–Target, Queens Blvd
Overheard by: barbat
Co-Worker on phone: If you do die 25 years ago, you don’t die now!–52nd & 5th
Proselytizer: Listen! Listen to me! You must abstain! Abstinence is the only way! I tell you the truth–if you have sex, you will get pregnant, you will get an STD, and you will die!–125th StOverheard by: slightly intrigued
Woman: You’re born, yadda yadda yadda…You learn how to type. You get clarity. And then, ya die.
–24th & 7th
Overheard by: Dennis
Compassionate man on cell: The kid died from an overdose…[laughs] But the kid died from a drug overdose. So it’s not my fault.
–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Girl: I don’t think “Keep your legs closed” is part of Catholic mass.
–Elevator, Brooklyn Law School dorm
Guy on cell: That’s because I’m not a sinner…Well, I don’t consider that a sin.
–50th & 7th
Overheard by: Proud Sinner
Man: If hell had a bathroom, this would be it.
–LIRR bathroom, Penn Station
Passenger: This is the train to hell–and we’re in the first car!
–L train, passing 1st Ave without stopping
Overheard by: Ciara&Andrea
Girl on cell: It’s not selling your soul to the devil if it pays the rent.
–Starbucks, 110th & Broadway
Overheard by: M. Nofier
Heathen: I’m worried because we’re going to Burning Man, which, you know, is not church camp.
–Rope, Myrtle between Clinton & Vanderbilt, Brooklyn
Overheard by: our lady mess
Young queer: The Jesus man touched me funny!
–36th & 6th
Overheard by: He touched me too
Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!
–Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: PoisonIvy
Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!
–1 train
Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…
–1 train
Overheard by: sara n.
Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!
–18th & Park
Overheard by: edward
Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!
–Wooster & Broome
Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.
–Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.
–23rd & 6th
Girl on cell: Oh my God, my love handles are out of control. When I was getting ready tonight, my fat got caught in my zipper.
–49th & 2nd
Overweight girl: Guys don’t know what they’re missing. There’s some fine pussy under this gut!
–Queens College
Overheard by: Jimbob Watson
Old Italian woman: If I die fat, whatever. Just as long as I make everyone else fat before I go, that’s fine. They can diet after I’m gone. Just keep my recipes is all I’m sayin’, ya know?
–14th & 7th
Overheard by: Dennis
Guy: There should be more laws about people on planes. I once had to sit next to this really fat guy. He was so unapologetic about it! The rogue fat was spilling onto me.
–G train
Shrewd observer, commenting on NYU freshmen: They’re so ugly, and a lot of them haven’t started smoking yet so they’re really fat.
–St. Mark’s & 3rd
Little girl to large woman at paper towel dispenser: I didn’t get any, stupid fat lady!
–Women’s restroom, Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Robyn Z
Art student: You ever seen a fat guy fall on a car? Like, the car just happened to be there?
–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: TeN22
Girl #1: Yeah, I need to buy a new cell phone; mine is broken.
Girl #2: How come.
Girl #1: I dropped it in the sand during my vacation.
Girl #2: That’s how it broke?
Girl #1: No, it was fine but the sand was all over it, so I decided to rinse it clean with pouring water from the bathroom sink.
–Central Park
Woman on cell: They just did an autopsy on my mother…What?…Yeah…Autopsy…No, she didn’t fuckin’ die, you asshole. An autopsy! Yeah! On my mother! It’s benign…Okay, listen, man, next time I’m watching CSI, you need to shut the fuck up and watch with me. You can learn shit on there!
–Elevator, Columbia Medical Center
Suit: I’d leave my wife for her if her clit didn’t taste like a spicy tuna roll.
–Chambers & Broadway
Girl on cell: I don’t care how many fingers you put in her. Bottom line is, she didn’t blow you. So I win.
–Times Square
Overheard by: shap
Utilitarian guy: A blow job is better than no job.
–Sex Work Conference, The New School
Overheard by: wendy
Girl: $50 for a 2-minute bj? I’d do it. It takes me 8 hours to make $50. Shit.
–Queens bound F train
Overheard by: Marisa
Dude: So, did she orgasm in your mouth?
–219 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Trey Givens
Hipster: I’m thinking of getting that little string thing attached to my tongue cut off so I can eat pussy better.
–Chinatown bus
Queer #1 to queer #2: Well if I’m not giving you head and you’re not giving me head then we’ve got a problem.
–Wachovia, 17th & 7th
Overheard by: Joanna
Dude: It’s all right to be self-conscious about your feces.
–L train
Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed
Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.
–Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave
Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an’ shit already. I got places to be!
–112th & Amsterdam
Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: I went at home
Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I’m going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon
Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!
–Duane Reade, 70th & Broadway
Overheard by: Yesenia
8-year-old girl: Let’s play poo-poo!
–Green St, Greenpoint
Overheard by: twelvis
Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too…You’ve met Carla…You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.
–77th & 2nd
Overheard by: Joseph
Considerate guy: Hey, man, don’t burst his bubble. If it ain’t a man, it ain’t a man.
–Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St
Voice on intercom: Sir, that’s the women’s restroom. Sir…Sir…Stop!
–Times Square
Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.
–F train
Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you’re the prettiest man I’ve ever seen.
–Women’s bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Aaron
Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who’s he supposed to be?
–Circle Line
Overheard by: emily
Young guy: …so, technically, I’m lactating. Technically.
–Central Park
