Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Flaming Bag on Your Porch

Dude: It’s all right to be self-conscious about your feces.

–L train

Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed

Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.

–Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave

Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an’ shit already. I got places to be!

–112th & Amsterdam

Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: I went at home

Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I’m going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!

–Duane Reade, 70th & Broadway

Overheard by: Yesenia

8-year-old girl: Let’s play poo-poo!

–Green St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: twelvis

Posted on August 30, 2006
Animals & Nature, Central Park, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, People, Places, Poop, Should've Used a Condom, The Village, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble

Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too…You’ve met Carla…You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.

–77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Joseph

Considerate guy: Hey, man, don’t burst his bubble. If it ain’t a man, it ain’t a man.

–Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St

Voice on intercom: Sir, that’s the women’s restroom. Sir…Sir…Stop!

–Times Square

Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.

–F train

Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you’re the prettiest man I’ve ever seen.

–Women’s bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York

Overheard by: Aaron

Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who’s he supposed to be?

–Circle Line

Overheard by: emily

Young guy: …so, technically, I’m lactating. Technically.

–Central Park

Posted on August 30, 2006
Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinking & Drunk People, Jews, Kids, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Penis, People, Places, Poop, Private Parts, Rack, Stall Spies, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Upper East Side, Venues

Forgive Her; She Went to High School in Kansas

Woman, looking at fossil: So is this like, a thing, or did someone make this up?

–Museum of Natural History

Posted on August 28, 2006
Bimbettes, Idiots, Museums, One-liners, Stupidity

He Invited Them Over For a Couple of Belts

Guy to friends: Did anyone leave a belt at my house? I found one in my tree.

–LIRR

Overheard by: hbs

Posted on August 24, 2006
Fashion, Nice People, One-liners, Trains Not Subway, Trees and plants

Just like You and Daddy in the Living Room Last Night!

Little girl, watching one dog hump another: Mommy, you missed it! One of the dogs was giving the other one a piggyback ride!

–Dog run, Madison Square Park

Posted on August 19, 2006
Animals & Nature, Girls, One-liners, Parks, Sex

No, He Just Makes His Naughty/Nice List Based on Ethnic Stereotypes

Disillusioned guy: Yeah, man, he kicked the shit out of Santa Claus just last week, and I was shocked ’cause I thought Santa was psychic.

–K-Mart, 34th St

Overheard by: ginpalace

Posted on August 7, 2006
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Fighting and ass kicking, Holidays, Idiots, One-liners, Psychic, Store

He Is Almost Certainly Going to Wait

Girl in lacy red tank top, black bra and low-cut pants, with a lower-back tattoo, on cell: So I had an 8:45 meeting with a congressman today that I totally forgot about. It’s like 8:50!

–77th & 3rd

Posted on August 5, 2006
Hootchies, One-liners, Politics, Time, Upper East Side

Pamela Anderson Recovers Repressed Memories

Entendre Queen, to 4-year-old daughter: Now you’ll have alone playtime for 40 minutes. Then Mommy will play with herself after that for another 40 minutes. Then Daddy will join Mommy for some playtime. You can either watch Mommy and Daddy play or go play on your own again.

–207th & Broadway

Overheard by: Elizabeth R.