Wednesday One-Liners Are Potty Mouths

Man in stall, struggling: Damn you, Taco Bell!

–Bathroom, John Jay College

Girl on cell in stall: I liked him better when he was homeless.

–Bathroom, Lerner Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Sydney

Drunk hipster in stall: Don’t get the kielbasa sandwich.

–Club Warsaw, Williamsburg

Overheard by: nickporjr

Man on cell in stall: Hold on a second, honey. [Biological sounds] Okay, I’m back. Look, there’s no way to say this other than right out. This week together made me think things over. Will you marry me?

–Office bathroom, 44th & Lex

Overheard by: Tony

Drunk girl in stall, to herself: Okay, this time let’s try not to pee all over my jeans.

–Cabana, Maritime Hotel

Girl in stall: Uggghhh! Fuck… [Panting] Fuck!

–Bathroom, Fordham Law School

Overheard by: Seriously concerned

Guy at urinal: Oh yeah, son! Yeah, I am dominating this shit!

–Library Bathroom, Fordham University

Posted on May 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Pee, Poop, Stall Spies, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Still More Natural Than God’s Body and Blood

Catholic girl #1: It’s a little more natural to have jizz in your mouth instead of pee.
Catholic girl #2: But the jizz has shit in it!

–Bryant Park

Posted on May 17, 2015
Bryant Park, Catholics, Compare/Contrast, Cum, Girls, Pee

Translation: “That Bathroom Better Have a Window Big Enough to Fit Me”

Guy to date: Well, when it’s like when I’m on a roadtrip, even if I need to pee, I don’t, I force myself to keep it in, it’s like a control thing. Totally about power. [Date gets up to go to the bathroom.] Hurry back! I want to tell you more!
Date: Yeah, it’s really… Powerful.

–Soup’N’Burger, Broadway & Astor

Overheard by: rpk

Posted on May 15, 2015
Compliments, Dating, Default, Girls, Guys, Offers and requests, Pee, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Linerbation

Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!

–53rd & Lexington Subway Station

Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway

Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.

–Queens Center Food Court

Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.

–Penn Station

Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.

–15th St & 9th St

Overheard by: Spicoli

Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?

–R Train

Posted on May 4, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Food, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Masturbation, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Nerds, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Penn Station, Queens, Rape, Sex, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Your Editors Must Excuse Ourselves for a Moment

Mother: Just a few more blocks, honey.
Six-year-old girl: Oh… Okay.
(a few seconds later)
Six-year-old girl: Mommy, I really need to go now.
Mother: Just a few more blocks, Angie. A few more blocks.
Six-year-old girl: But mom, I can't wait.
Mother: You're doing good, Angie. Just a few more blocks. Calm down.
(long pause)
Six-year-old girl: Mommy!
Mother, annoyed: What?
Girl: It's… coming out of my vagina!

–E 86th St

Overheard by: Dylan Sparrow

Posted on May 4, 2015
Kids, Moms, Parents, Pee, Upper East Side, Vagina

We Will Only Get Arrested If We Pee on the Boys

Girl #1: Do you think we will get arrested if we go into the boys’ bathroom?
Girl #2: No. I don’t think so. I think the boys will actually like it.
Girl #1: Wait. But the boys pee on the floor. Let’s not go in.

–South St Seaport

Overheard by: Kevo

Posted on May 1, 2015
Girls, Pee, Staten Island

Wednesday One-Liners Prove That Nowhere Is Safe from Our Spies

Exasperated mother to child in toilet stall: Hurry up and poop!

–Ladies’ Restroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Betsy

[Girl is taking a piss in bathroom, friend shuts off lights.]Girl: Biiitch! You know my pussy don’t glow in the dark!

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Lady in bathroom stall: [Grunts, groans grunts again.] [Pause.] Oh my god, I peed on the floor!

–Sheraton Hotel

Overheard by: Morgan

Hungover senior, chanting loudly over sound of own urination in bathroom: Allllllllll riiighty thennnnnnn! Ahhhhhhhh!

–SVA Animation Department

Overheard by: Laughing

Man farting at urinal, to friend at urinal next to him: Hey, man, what do you think about piss farts?

–Kimmel Center, NYU

Overheard by: JO in Bobst

Girl: I’m not looking. I don’t want to see your vagina. Even if we are family.

–AMC Theater Restroom, Times Square

Overheard by: wondering what’s going on in the next stall

[Horrific sounds heard in adjacent stall for 3 minutes.]Co-worker, yelling: "I’m sorry, I had milk!"

–Office bathroom, 31st Street

Posted on May 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Cleanliness, Coworkers, Family Ties, Farting & Burping, Girls, Hotels, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, NYU, Offers and requests, Parents, Pee, Penn Station, Poop, Questions, Stall Spies, Students, Theater, Times Square, Vagina, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

That’s Nature’s Way of Making a Gold Donation

White guy #1: You know they fine you for smoking on a train platform even when it’s outdoors?
White guy #2: That’s crazy man.
White guy #1: They even fine you for peeing and jumping the turnstile.
White guy #2: Well, I understand jumping the turnstile…but peeing?

–A train

Posted on April 28, 2015
Guys, Idiots, On the Subway, Pee

“Because if you did, you got me all wet.”

Woman: Oh my God?! Did you just pee on me?
Man: I dunno what you’re talking about, you crazy.

–NY Public Library, 5th Ave & 40th St.

Overheard by: Sabrina Braswell

Posted on April 25, 2015
Crazies, Library, Men, Pee, Questions, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not the Freshmaker

Bimbette: I don't think I've ever been that grossed out during the day. It all started when that woman smelled like pee…

–6 Train

Overheard by: j

Female suit: We were above an Indian restaurant and he was banging me from behind. I could smell the curry, and while he was banging me I was gagging.

–NJ Transit

Chick: You smell like vag and pizza.

–Borders

Girl to friend, after bending head down into her: Damn my puss stank.

–E Train

Overheard by: Nicole

College guy (screaming at friend): Dude! How are you even in college?! You smell like Oust! You smell like Tropical Glade!

–1 Train

Concerned hipster: I know you just orgasmed, but what's that smell?

–E 9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Peanut