Tourist: Excuse me, where’s the nearest exit?
Janitor: Uh, which exit?
Tourist: Any exit to get out of here.
Janitor: Anywhere.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Jordan
Tourist: Excuse me, where’s the nearest exit?
Janitor: Uh, which exit?
Tourist: Any exit to get out of here.
Janitor: Anywhere.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Jordan
Girl #1: It got on my vagina! Now, that’s fucking nasty! I have to go home now and wash off my vagina!
Girl #2: Well, of course if you go in there at the same time and try to pee it’s going to get on your vagina. Calm down.
Girl #1: I can’t calm down! I can’t believe it’s all over my fucking vagina!
–Bathroom, LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: Sara Swank
Guy with long dreadlocks: Why you keep bothering me, man? Why can’t you just go away?
Guy with short dreadlocks: Why don’t you tell your mama to go away?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Awww, man, why you gotta bring my mama into this?! [To woman in ticket booth] Hey, lady! Woman! Call the law, man!
Woman in ticket booth: Excuse me?
Guy with long dreadlocks: The law, man! Call the law!
–In front of ticket machines, Union Station
Overheard by: didn’t want to get involved
Yuppie girl #1: Last night I actually had to tie Dave’s tie for him.
Yuppie girl #2: Dave, please be more inept.
Yuppie girl #1: I know. It’s sad. Where the fuck would guys be without us girls?
Middle-aged man: Still in the Garden of Eden, you gullible bitch.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Alex
Manager to resigned employee: It’s okay. If I worked here I’d be looking for another job as well.
–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope
Guy pleading into cell: Give me a break! So I have sex with one fuckin’ coworker…
–Lafayette & Spring
Overheard by: Jeff in Soho
Late-40s guy: When you get to be my age it’s hard to make the big money, to become rich. Sure, I could get a job, but that’s not me.
–Bus, Port Authority
Overheard by: How long is this bus ride?
Suit: I mean, if I’m gonna fuck a fatty it’s going to be one I don’t have to see at work on Monday.
–6 train, Astor Place
Bike messenger: I could die at any time. That’s why my job is so great. I clock in for doom.
–37th & Broadway
Dude #1: This one girl I hooked up with once made me choke her and shit when we fucked. She wanted to struggle, and I had to pry her legs open and hold her down. And she cried afterward.
Dude #2, laughing: Dude… Are you sure you weren’t raping this girl?
Dude #1, laughing: Man, fuck you. [Abruptly stops laughing, pales] … Fuck, man…
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Jane
Drunk Yankee fan: Oh, god. I need to get to Tarrytown, and there isn’t even a fucking steering wheel on the goddamn train!
–Train from Penn Station
Overheard by: tourist…
Automated female voice finishes announcing the stop.
Toddler: This is 23rd Street — Union Square! Transfers available to the S, L, N… The S! S, L, and N trains! Stand clear of the closing doors!
–6 train at 23rd St
Overheard by: vic
Woman to daughter: The Subway Lord might come through and kick you off.
–R train
Toddler quivering with fright: Oh, no, Mommy. Oh, no. Oh, dear… Oh, dear… Oh, dear. The train’s coming, Mommy. It’s coming. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no no! Mommy! It’s coming, Mommy! Oh, no, Mommy! Mommy! It’s coming. It’s coming! It’s coming, it’s coming! Ahhh!
–6 train station, 77th St
Overheard by: BJ
Black guy opening engineer’s door after 15 minutes of standstill: Yo, move this shit, or I’ll drive it myself!
–Canarsie-bound L train
Woman wedged into middle of packed car: Just another day in paradise.
–1 train, rush hour
Midlife crisis #1: So, she met this really nice guy at a UFO convention.
Midlife crisis #2: Oh, really?
Midlife crisis #1: Yeah. He claimed he was abducted by Artylians.
Midlife crisis #2: Oh! That helps.
–Waiting area, NY Penn
Skater kid: What’s the point of being gay if you like girls who dress like boys?
–42nd St, between 7th & 8th Ave
Lady on phone: Yeah, she was working at a factory, but she was passing as a man… Well, she didn’t last a week at the factory.
–Bus in Lincoln Tunnel
TA: We live in a two-gender system of society. There’s no green ‘It’s a hermaphrodite!’ balloon to put out on your front lawn.
–NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Limey
Chick: I mean, I feel frumpy here. For real. I’m sick of being like, ‘That guy is skinnier than me, has on nicer jeans, and has better makeup.’
–26th St
Overheard by: agrees with that girl
College student on cell: Great, I’ll see you soon. Can I be dressed as a woman?
–114th & Broadway
Mom to very young son: Some things are for boys, and some things are for girls. It was cute when you were little, but now it’s time to differentiate.
–Target, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Girl: It was great — so smooth and quiet and roomy — there was tons of leg room!
Guy: Mhmmm…
Girl: Like, like, say these are my knees…
Guy: Those are your knees.
–Outside Penn Station
