Every Night, I Pray for More Wednesday One-Liners

Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.

–6 Train

30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!

–W 83rd & Columbus Ave

Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!

–Union Square Subway Stop

Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!

–9th St & University Place

20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!

–Union Square

Overheard by: talker's remorse

30-something: I mean…he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.

–39th St

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Bag ladies, Beauty, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Death, Friends, Gadgets, God, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Physical appearance, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wiggers

Wednesday One-Liners Have the Reich Stuff

Fat guy in telephone booth: Yeah, well, Hitler invented the Volkswagen bus.

–7th Ave & Waverly

Overheard by: Mark Martin

Woman in alpine hat to another: I was not about to drag your half-conscious ass around a concentration camp!

–Zum Schneider German Restaurant/Bar

Overheard by: Nella

Guy: Jury duty is like the Holocaust. They put you in line and march you into a strange room.

–Off The Wagon Restaurant

Overheard by: thankfully not jewish

Teen boy: Yeah, after I watched that movie I couldn't talk to German people at all. For like a month afterwards, every time I saw a person who looked German I was like, "you evil, evil Nazi!"

–Bull Statue, Bowling Green

Little boy to friends: And next year, we're going to assassinate Hitler!

–66th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Liz

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Fat People, Foreigners, Friends, Glad the Condom Broke, Guys, Hitler/Nazis, Kids, Movies, Murder, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Teens, The Village, Time, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

…While I Wipe Off the Tears on My Sleeve

Promoter, stopping friends: Hey! You guys look like pretty awesome people!
Friend #1: Nah, we're really not.
Friend #2: Yeah, we're actually pretty lame.
Promoter: Well, you at least like kids, right?
Friend #1: No. I fucking hate kids. They're terrible. I punch them all the time.
Promoter: Haha. Well, what about animals?
Friend #1: Nope. I hate them too…especially kittens and puppies. I punch them too. I do the double punch. Kids and puppies at the same time. (starts punching the air violently with both of her fists)
Promoter: Okay then. You guys have a nice day…

–Union Square

Overheard by: hj

Posted on June 20, 2009
Animals & Nature, Compliments, Friends, Gay Man's Best Friend, Gripes, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Physical appearance, Punch, Questions, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers

That's Exactly What My Plastic Surgeon Said!

Girl to friend: Oh my god, your boobs have gotten so big!
Friend: Thanks!
Girl: Yeah, it's like now no one has to even look at your face.

–6 Train

Posted on June 19, 2009
Body Parts, Comebacks, Friends, Girls, Height, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Rack

We're Not Looking for Any Serious Wednesday One-Liners Right Now

20-something girl to two girlfriends: We've been dating for two months. Normally in my relationships, it's "he loves me, and I love me," but now I feel like he knows I like him, and that threatens me.

–Penn Station

8th grade boy to another: Aren't I the woman in this relationship?

–Bell Academy

Woman to friend: He said he wanted to dress me up, take me out, and show me off to the world. Instead we'd go out, he'd make me pay, and tell me how great everyone else looked.

–3rd Ave & 37th th

Cute guy in Yankees hat: I need a wild, destructive relationship for awhile.

–Brother Jimmy's, 81st & Amsterdam

Guy: Yeah, I just got over a long-term relationship. You know, two to three months.

–Starbucks, 67 & Columbus

Guy on cell: I don't know if I already told you this, but I don't have a job or a show. So we could go a date until the end of time.

–MacDougal & 7th St

Steve Guttenberg to way-too-young date: I like you and I would like to see you, just not every day.

–Upper West Side

Posted on June 17, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, B-List, Beauty, Dating, Friends, Gender issues, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Love, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Sexuality, Starbucks, Street, Students, The Village, Threats, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

You Can't Walk Like an Egyptian Without Lots Of Lubrication

Woman to man: He's got this charm about him–he's slimy, like he's Egyptian or something.
(man, uneasy, looks around to check there are no Egyptians in there)
Woman, quickly: I don't mean “slimy” in a bad way.
Man: Sure.

–A Train

Posted on June 16, 2009
Beauty, Foreigners, Men, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Weirdness, Women

My Therapist Says That's Why I Don't Get Any

40-something man: Hey! I know you! You're Victor's daughter, right?
Teenage girl: Yeah.
40-something man: Wow, look how tall you've gotten. You probably don't remember me, but I'm a friend of your dad's from way back.
Teenage girl: Oh, awesome. (smiles)
40-something man: So…how are you? Still in school?
Teenage girl: No, no, graduated and taking a year off and then studying to be a lawyer.
40-something man, shaking head: Well, be prepared for a life of celibacy.

–34th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Sessi Li

Posted on June 16, 2009
Age/Aging, Family Ties, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Physical appearance, Questions, School and studying, Teens, Time

Eyeore Is Misunderstood in Exactly the Same Way

Falafel vendor: What're you, in a bad mood?
Customer: No, I'm in a good mood. I'm always in a good mood. I'm just ugly.

–168th & Ft. Washington

Posted on June 14, 2009
Beauty, Customers, Physical appearance, Questions, Vendors & Street Performers, Washington Heights and Inwood, Weirdness

You're Right on the Edge, Though

Man on bus to woman next to him: You have a very nice smile.
Woman: Thank you.
Man: And don't you let anyone ever tell you you're fat. You're not. You're pleasantly plump. There's a difference.

–M15A Bus

Overheard by: Matt

Posted on June 11, 2009
Beauty, Bus, Compliments, Diet/Weight, Men, On the Bus, Physical appearance, Weirdness, Women

Translation: You'd Better Not Gain Weight, Bitch.

Four-year-old girl #1, looking at exhibit of NorthWest Coast Indians: I like her because she's pretty.
Four-year-old girl #2: I like you because you're pretty.

–Natural History Museum

Overheard by: E. M. Rees

Posted on June 11, 2009
Beauty, Kids, Museum of Natural History, Physical appearance

Physical appearance