Woman: We’ll have the perfectly peanut butter sundae.
Store girl: Okay, sure.
Man: Come on, you know I fucking hate the taste of peanut butter!
Woman: Are you kidding me? I ate your jizz just a couple of hours ago, I think you eating the ice cream I want would be a decent fucking compromise!
Store girl: …Um…Yeah, so…I’m taking that as extra peanut butter.
–Dylan’s Candy Bar, 3rd Avenue
Guy: The thing about Cronenberg is that you have to appreciate him in
context to what he does…which is often unappreciable.
–Belmont Lounge, East 15th Street
Mom: You couldn’t even wait ’til we got to the bathroom.
Little boy: I told you.
Mom: You know you coulda held it.
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Ben Couch
Saleslady #1: She says she’s shitting again. She’s been in there for like 20 minutes.
Saleslady #2: I swear, that girl don’t know how to work.
–Daffy’s
Overheard by: amused tourist
Spunky gay boy: It’s not like I go into the bathroom to nap… But when you’re pooping it’s just, you know, relaxing, and when I start to read on the pot I’m like Pavlov’s dog and I get sleepy!
Skeptical fag hag: That’s no excuse for falling asleep naked on my toilet bowl.
Spunky gay boy: Right.
–C train, Hoyt-Schermerhorn St
Headline by: Gold StaR
Runners-Up:
· “But Thanks For The Highest Rated Youtube Hidden Cam Video.” – Veronica
· “I’m Surprised You Can Do It Away from the Home…I Thought Your People Were Like Cats.” – ImmaculatePizza
· “Pavlov’s Log” – Brian G
· “Ring, Ring. Plop, Plop” – Chris
· “The Roofies I Gave You, Now THAT’s an Excuse.” – Duncan Pflaster
· “Then Whats Your Excuse for Doing It on Mine?” – Lezbotron
Manager: Gary, you serious, you need to go to the bathroom?
Cashier: I need to take, like, a number 4 right now.
Manager: Ew!
Cashier: I don't even know what that means.
–Duane Reade
Mother: Fee fie fo fum!
Very young daughter: I have me a smelly bum!
Mother: Oh dear.
–McCarren Park
Overheard by: Todd Dillard
Man #1: This subway smells like citrus fruit.
Man #2: Yeah, Mr. Lemonhead got killed here.
Woman: I peed on his face once.
–2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: Tourist in Town
Boy teen geek: You know when you push out too much shit you get hemorrhoids?
Girl teen geek: Yeah.
Boy teen geek: Well, that's what he did, pushed out too much shit and got nothing but hemorrhoids!
–Q Train
Overheard by: Blue
Guy #1: So I had my colonoscopy Tuesday. It was like I lost an hour out of my life.
Guy #2: What do you mean?
Guy #1: Oh that stuff they give you to make you sleepy. It gives you
amnesia or something.
Guy #2: That’s messed up.
Guy #1: So my girlfriend tells me afterwords like five times that they removed a polyp and that they think it could be pre-cancerous. I won’t know until next week or something.
Guy #2: So where do you want to get lunch?
–Wall between Pearl & Hanover
Overheard by: Barb Ordell
