Wednesday One-liners Excreta

Guy: Baby, I gotta piss, shit…barf, burp, sneeze, all that crap.

–Astroland

Punk girl: Oh my God. If I see Jorge I’m going to poop my pants.

–Randall’s Island

Overheard by: Holly Kaye

Woman: Do you know how nasty maxi pads are? It’s like a baby sitting in its own shit. It’s like me sloshing around in my own blood!

–22nd & Park

Overheard by: Sion Harrington

Crazy lady: Can I get some privacy? I saw you peeking through the crack. All I wanna do is pee. Can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee. If you wanna see pussy, I can show you where to go but can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee!

–Penn Station ladies’ room

Overheard by: bebe

Woman: Excuse me! If you’re going to pee on the seat do you think you could at least wipe it off when you’re done so the next person doesn’t have to sit in it?

–Grand Central ladies’ room

Dude on cell: …so I picked it up and there was, like, some brown stuff on it that I thought was, like, dirt. So I went to brush it off with my hand…but dude, it, like, wasn’t dirt…no…

–Penn Station

Overheard by: P. Mills

Girl: Yo, this motherfucking butterscotch tastes like jizz!

–Loews, 32nd & 2nd

Overheard by: annie lin

Woman on cell: I don’t even know how to wash his balls when they’re that dirty!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: cat verde

Punk chick: Guys are so lucky they don’t have to bleed and when they do, it’s like, all manly.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Miss Amelia

Posted on April 4, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Blood & bleeding, Cum, Excretions, Pee, Poop, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

More Like Extra–Whipped–Cream

Woman: We’ll have the perfectly peanut butter sundae.
Store girl: Okay, sure.
Man: Come on, you know I fucking hate the taste of peanut butter!
Woman: Are you kidding me? I ate your jizz just a couple of hours ago, I think you eating the ice cream I want would be a decent fucking compromise!
Store girl: …Um…Yeah, so…I’m taking that as extra peanut butter.

–Dylan’s Candy Bar, 3rd Avenue

Posted on April 2, 2015
Anger Management, BJs, Food, People, Poop, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Upper East Side

Wednesday One-liners Hit the Premiere

Guy: The thing about Cronenberg is that you have to appreciate him in
context to what he does…which is often unappreciable.

–Belmont Lounge, East 15th Street

Posted on April 2, 2015
About Celebrities, Arts & Letters, Celebrities Overheard, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Fordham, Friendship, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, More museums, Movies, Music, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Pop Culture, Preppies, Queers, Stupidity, The Bronx, Thugs, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Violence

This Book’s Really Shitty

Mom: You couldn’t even wait ’til we got to the bathroom.
Little boy: I told you.
Mom: You know you coulda held it.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Ben Couch

Posted on March 17, 2015
Parents, Poop, Union Square and East Village

Hey! I’m Working My Ass Off in Here!

Saleslady #1: She says she’s shitting again. She’s been in there for like 20 minutes.
Saleslady #2: I swear, that girl don’t know how to work.

–Daffy’s

Overheard by: amused tourist

Posted on March 14, 2015
Jobs & Careers, Poop, Store, Vendors & Street Performers, Women

The long version of “I was drunk”

Spunky gay boy: It’s not like I go into the bathroom to nap… But when you’re pooping it’s just, you know, relaxing, and when I start to read on the pot I’m like Pavlov’s dog and I get sleepy!
Skeptical fag hag: That’s no excuse for falling asleep naked on my toilet bowl.
Spunky gay boy: Right.

–C train, Hoyt-Schermerhorn St

Headline by: Gold StaR

Runners-Up:
· “But Thanks For The Highest Rated Youtube Hidden Cam Video.” – Veronica
· “I’m Surprised You Can Do It Away from the Home…I Thought Your People Were Like Cats.” – ImmaculatePizza
· “Pavlov’s Log” – Brian G
· “Ring, Ring. Plop, Plop” – Chris
· “The Roofies I Gave You, Now THAT’s an Excuse.” – Duncan Pflaster
· “Then Whats Your Excuse for Doing It on Mine?” – Lezbotron

Click here to see the new Headline Contest